On Saturday’s Strictly Come Dancing, Craig Revel-Horwood critiqued a dance Anton du Beke had performed while dressed as Austin Powers.
“I was slightly distracted by the wig and fake teeth you have in,” Craig began.
Anton was quick to cut in.
“They’re not fake, by the way. They’re all my own, dear.”
The nation – not to mention Craig – cringed. I, however, rejoiced. Finally, proof that these kind of moments do happen to other people, not just me.
Unfortunately, my pleasure was short-lived, because Teethgate then made me remember the very worst times I’d put my foot in it.
In no particular order...
ARRGGHH 1
One of my neighbours asked if they did work experience at a place I worked.
I needed to ask who for, but was desperate not to offend her, so decided to err on the side of caution.
Unfortunately I accidentally erred on the wrong side, and said: “Is it for your granddaughter?”
It was for her daughter. She was incredibly offended, and quite cross. I was mortified, especially as I’d been trying my best to do exactly the opposite of what had transpired.
So I tried to dig myself out by saying nowadays kids sometimes did work experience in infant school, a lie she didn’t believe for a second, but which I had to keep going for the next eight years until she moved away.
Can’t think why.
ARRGGHH 2
I was early to pick my son up from nursery one day, so stood with another mum chatting, watching all the other parents arrive and walk towards us.
A man I’d never seen before, dressed in a pair of shorts, long socks and sandals, came through the gate and I laughed.
“That’s a bold look!” I sniggered to the other mum.
“That’s my husband,” she replied. This time though, I thought quickly.
“No, not him,” I said, much too fast, “The, er, old bloke behind him.”
She almost – but not quite – looked sorry for me as she said: “And that’s my dad.”
ARRGGHH 3
Visiting a friend’s new house, she proudly showed me her daughter’s bedroom. “Oh that’s so sweet that you let her paint it herself,” I exclaimed, so enthusiastically it was impossible to pretend I’d been joking a moment later, when I very much wanted to.
ARRGGHH 4
When kids blurt out rude things they are instantly forgiven, because they don’t know any better, and the results are often quite funny.
I’d been at someone else’s house when their son had gleefully informed one of the women in the room: “You’ve got massive feet!”
I was telling a friend about it, and explained: “In his defence, they were enormous, like a size 9 or something.”
“I’m a size 9,” said my friend.
I brilliantly countered this by saying: “No you’re not” – thereby accusing her of not knowing her own shoe size, ie literally adding insult to injury.
ARRGGHH 5
One of my friends is an actress and she was in a play, so I went along to support her. Please note the good intention, I beg of you.
She was playing a character who was five months pregnant, so had to wear padding and a fake bump while on stage.
Afterwards we all met for a drink in the pub next door to the theatre, and I greeted her far too loudly by asking if she’d gone all method actor now, because why was she still wearing the padding?
Do I really need to tell you her reply?
Thought not.
