The dancing deadwood is finally being hacked down. Joe Calzaghe and Jo Wood have gone, and one can only hope that Craig Kelly, hardworking and enthusiastic though he may be, is the next one out of Strictly. True, he'll not get to fulfil his ambition of dancing in his hometown of Blackpool when the show's broadcast from there in a few weeks (did he mention that at all?) but we can't always get what we want, as Ronnie Wood's band once informed us.
Ricky Whittle remains the frontrunner, despite his rather irritating whining that he won't get the popular vote because he's too good, and the viewers only like the inept performers with personality. Listen, lovie, with your tight trousers and your shirts slashed to the waist revealing rippling abs, it's extremely doubtful that everyone enjoying your dancing and voting you through each week is enamoured with your footwork, and you know it. If you keep getting high scores you'll be through to the final weeks and that's when you can wheel out whatever sob stories you have lurking. That'll secure you some wavering voters – if you want to whore out your personal tragedy for a dancing contest, that is. Failing that, you could always be less good – forgetting two-thirds of a routine worked well for Matt Di Angelo, a perfectly capable dancer, whose sad puppydog eyes entranced the viewers and got him a spot in the final at the expense of Gethin Jones. But then again, Di Angelo didn't actually win the competition – Alesha Dixon did, having been the best dancer throughout. So really, Ricky, you need to take a tip from Bruce and just keeeeeep dancing.
Jade Johnson finished joint third on the leaderboard last week but still ended up dancing off (though she must have known she was safe when she was competing against Wood). For all the conspiracy theories rattling around the darker, madder reaches of the internet, I suspect her low score was more to do with dancing first on the two-hour-long show than any sinister motivation. She and Ian are rapidly becoming my joint favourites (alongside Chris Hollins and the increasingly gorgeous Ola Jordan) so when I'm back here liveblogging on Saturday night, don't let me forget to vote for them. Join me then!
6.45pm: Good evening, everyone. Sequins all in place? Ready for some Hallowe'en gags from Bruce? Excellent. The magic is about to begin!
6.50pm: Last weekend there was jubilation, and Jo Wood got the chop. Did they mention, by the way - they're off to Blackpool in a few weeks? Anyway, this! Is! Strictly Come Dancing - live! Cue the titles!
6.55pm: We must welcome Bruce and Tess as they do their skit at the start. Tess is wearing a tight black dress with what appears to be an origami canary on the left shoulder. She lies that it was a shame that Jo Wood got knocked out last week. Bruce pretends that Jo was worse than Fiona Phillips. Time to meet our couples - Zoe and James; Ricky G and Erin; Chris and Ola; Natalie and Vincent; Jade and Ian; Craig and Flavia; Ricky W and Natalie; Phil and Katya; Ali and Brian; Anton and Laila.
6.57pm: Bruce does a Generation Game gag, which is laughed at by about a third of the audience; everyone else is too young to remember it. First to dance tonight are Natalie and Vincent. Bruce warned Natalie that doing the jive wears you down; apparently Vincent was six foot four before he started jiving. BUT! BRUCE! It is EASIER for SHORT PEOPLE to jive! Last week, Natalie cried because she thought that they'd get voted out, and Vincent promised her that he has lots of friends who would ring up. In training, Vincent tries out a bit of rhyming slang - "if you're not cream-crackered, you're not doing it right." How true. Natalie cackles.
7.03pm: They're jiving to Good Golly Miss Molly, beginning with what Craig would call "a bit of armography". The arrangement of this music is a total mess. Natalie is having fun, but her keenness makes it look a bit like an over-excited little girl who's been eating too many additives dancing with an uncle at a wedding. Hmm, but Craig liked it; Len thought it was perfectly in sync at the start and liked the quieter mode. Alesha admires her energy and enthusiasm; Bruno screeches about firecrackers. Scores - Craig 7, Len 8, Alesha 7 and Bruno 8 for a total of 30. That was Natalie's target for tonight, and she is very happy.
7.06pm: Ali and Brian are doing the paso doble. Bruce calls Bruno a crazy Italian. For once, he has a bit of a point. Last week, Bruno waved his 10 paddle at Ali, who thinks her eyes popped out at the sight. Brian has been worried that someone as sweet as Ali won't be able to get the necessary aggression for the dance. However, she's got an excuse all ready and prepared - she smashed her foot in the dress rehearsal and her toes are all swollen up. All together now - awww.
7.10pm: Ali keeps smiling. Not very paso, but quite sweet. There's not much in terms of appels; it's beautiful and lovely, though. Bruno thinks it was beautiful "like a bejewelled cape in the Spanish sun". Craig is wincing at the sight of the bruises on Ali's foot, but he loved it though he would like more "earth, wind and fire". A paso to September? Len liked it and thought the choreography was great. Alesha's hair looks really nice and she liked the routine too. Scores - Craig 8, Len 9, Alesha 8 and Bruno 8 for a total of 33.
7.14pm: Craig and Flavia next, and he wants to DANCE IN BLACKPOOL, don't you know. Craig looks terrified, like an exhibit in a chamber of horrors. This week, he is sure that the waltz must be his best dance. And so Matt di bloody Angelo comes in to rehearsal, compares Flavia to an old pair of shoes, and then Lennox Lewis turns up. Seriously. This is what is happening. Matt looks a bit upset and whispers that he thinks his thunder has been stolen. True that.
7.18pm: The band perform a funereal version of Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me as Flavia waves a pashmina around and leads Craig around the floor. The major problem Craig has, I think, is that he is very, very bad at acting any of these dances - his tongue sticks out, he bites his lip, he looks frightened, he seems constipated. Some good fleckerling in there, and some nice movement. Not a terrible display. Alesha says finally she has seen something she likes from Craig. Bruno thinks it was laboured (correct) and does not think Craig can dance. Ouch. Judge Craig thinks it was better than last week, but still needs work. Len talks about BLACKPOOL and Craig wanting to GET THERE. Tess wishes Contestant Craig a happy birthday. Scores - Craig 5, Len 7 (oh SERIOUSLY), Alesha 7 (oh SERIOUSLY), Bruno 5 for 24.
7.23pm: Yay, Chris and Ola! Bruce calls Chris "Craig" then totally loses his thread. Last week, Chris rushed off stage, fell to his knees in front of Ola, who patted him on the head for being a good boy. In rehearsal, Ola calls in Chris's dad who is JOHN HOLLINS to shout at him and coach him through the day. One of the run-throughs goes a bit wrong, Chris stops much to Ola's anger, and John tells Chris to play to the whistle. Ha!
7.27pm: They're cha-chaing to Shake Your Groove Thang, and it's all disco and fun. Chris's arms could do with a bit of work in places, but he's brave to dance side-by-side with Ola rather than taking hold. Len thought it was a bit skippy in places and then draws a tedious golf metaphor. Alesha says rhythm is not always enough, and she would like more content. Bruno says Chris looked like he wanted to eat Ola. Which is fair enough. Craig thought it was a bit chunky but had great dynamic and timing. Scores - Craig 7, Len 8, Alesha 7 and Bruno 7 for a total of 29.
7.30pm: First almost-joke of the evening from Bruce about Hallowe'en. Jade and Ian next, hooray! This week Jade is worried that Ian is going to make her do "fairy stuff". They go for high tea and then to a tea-dance in order that Jade can learn to be more ladylike. Lots of nicely-spoken older people offer her advice and say they hope she will do well.
7.34pm: They're foxtrotting and Ian has his foxtrot face on. Jade looks serene. It's graceful and gentle. Craig bemoans Jade's heel being caught in her dress, which made her squeal. Bruce says he told Jade in rehearsal that her skirt was too long. Shut UP. Len thought the dress being caught was a trick, and the dance was a treat. Shut UP. Alesha thought it was lovely. Bruno bounces up and down with glee. Ian promises us an outrageous outfit for Blackpool. I know some people who'll be very pleased to hear that. Scores - nines all round except for an eight from Craig, for a total of 35.
7.37pm: Zoe and James are sambaing. Bruce tells us that this is a party dance and that the BBC are cheapskates at their staff parties, or something. Zoe VTs what we were all thinking last week, when Len vowed to do the lambada with Craig should she and James finish in the bottom two - "I'd quite LIKE to see that!" James shouts and laughs at Zoe in rehearsal, because that is what James does.
7.41pm: They're sambaing to Boogie Nights, which doesn't really feel sambaey to me. Zoe's gyrating but her green tailfeather cannot disguise her utter horror, bless her. She claims to have enjoyed it. Len says he liked the gyrating. He says she is always good but occasionally great, and her nerves get in the way. Alesha liked the gyrating too, and she likes to see Zoe lose her inhibitions. Bruno begins to jump up and down with excitement about her "getting down and dirty on the feather duster". Craig says the bounce action was missing, the arms were messy, but Zoe has great rhythm and timing, and suggests that there should be more animal. Bruno starts shouting about elephants, and Craig tells him he needs locking up. Scores - Craig 7, Len 8, Alesha 9 (no, really), and Bruno 8 for a total of 32.
7.43pm: This week Ricky G and Erin are doing a rumba. Perhaps a comedy rumba. Oh, no - they're going to do a James Bond rumba. Ricky is a Bond geek and has a scary amount of memorabilia. Erin thinks he is more like Austin Powers. Let's see.
7.48pm: They're dancing to Licence To Kill (of course). Whoa. Erin slips Ricky's jacket off his shoulders. I grimace and wail, "I don't like it." Pro-celeb rumbas always make me feel a bit uncomfortable. I'm such a prude. Ricky does a bit of hip-grinding. His hands looks strange. This looks a bit static. Alesha says Ricky is out of his comfort zone, but acted his way through it "very superbly". Bruno says that Daniel Craig has nothing to worry about, because the routine was static. Craig agrees, and thinks the whole dance was "very conceited". Len says Craig's critiques are not constructive (lie!), and THEN TELLS US THAT THE RUMBA IS A HARD DANCE FOR A MAN BECAUSE IT IS ALL NANCY AND AIRY-FAIRY AND FEMININE. I am going to have to kick in my television. Excuse me. Back shortly.
7.49pm: Sorry about that. Have had to go next door and borrow my neighbour's television. Ricky's scores - 4, 8, 7 and 5 for a total of 24, and Len has officially flipped.
7.51pm: Laila and Anton are up next. Quick joke about how rubbish Anton has been in previous series. Anton thanks the public and promises everyone a cup of tea. Laila is happy to be back to the ballroom for the Viennese waltz. Unsurprisingly, the rehearsals are making her giddy.
7.55pm: Ooh, a beautiful, beautiful routine from Laila and Anton. Their footwork is perfectly together and the fleckerls are gorgeous. Craig says it was classic and delightful. Len liked the rotation and movement, and suggests that Laila brings that confidence to her Latin routines too. I'm sure she would if Anton could choreograph Latin (or indeed dance it). Alesha and Bruno both thought there were a few skips but was generally great. Tess reveals that Anton and Laila have been training on Sundays, and Ian heckles: "Swots!" Scores - Craig 8, Len 9, Alesha 8 and Bruno 8 for a total of 33.
7.58pm: Last week, the judges told Phil not to rely on his buttocks. Phil wonders if Rear Of The Year is imminent. He doesn't like tango rehearsal because Katya keeps shouting at him. She wants him to be more competitive. None of the terminally laidback Tuffers' cricket captains managed to get that side of him out on a regular basis, so she'll need to crack the whip a bit.
8.02pm: They're tangoing to Back To Black and frankly I'm more interested in what the hell they've done with the lyrics to this song than I am on what they're doing on the dance floor. There's a lot of diagonal walking and kicking, there's some good acting, but I think the all-black outfits for both were a mistake because you cannot see what on earth is going on in the low-level light. Bruno is pleased, but suggests Phil work a little more on the refinement. Craig thinks it's a mistake doing a tango to a lyrical piece of music because it brings too much rise and fall. Len draws a cricket metaphor, and I manage to restrain myself from kicking in my neighbour's TV. Alesha liked it. Katya lies that Phil is sexier than Antonio Banderas. Scores - Craig 7, Len 7, Alesha 8 and Bruno 8 for a total of 30.
8.03pm: By the way, my friend and colleague Anna Pickard is liveblogging The X Factor here. If you're interested in what tuneless warblings are occurring over on ITV1, she'll keep you up-to-date.
8.05pm: I love when Ricky W's dad calls him "Richard". Whittle senior was in the RAF and instilled military discipline at a young age. Apparently Ricky was never a good dancer but he enjoyed Michael Jackson's work, and indeed we see some photos of Ricky with Jackoesque hair circa Thriller era.
8.09pm: Ricky and Natalie quickstep. It is certainly very quick indeed. And it's beautiful. Len says it's the best dance of the series. Alesha says, "You was in a league of your own." My kicking foot is twitching. Bruno gets up and roars. Craig points out that Ricky is bandy-legged and pigeon-toed, but that never stopped Brendan from being a pro dancer. HA! Still, he thought it was A-MA-ZING. Scores - Craig 9, Len 10, Alesha 10, Bruno 10 for a total of 39.
8.11pm: Right, that's it, and the phone lines are open. Time for a quick recap while you make up your minds. Remember Jade had to dance off last week when she was BRILLIANT, so get voting! The dancers lie that they are excited about a live performance from the Bee Gees, which will be occurring shortly.
8.15pm: Next week is BLACKPOOL, everyone, just in case you'd missed it. Len says that Blackpool is the mecca of ballroom dancing. He danced there many times, but will not reveal his scores. Ricky W is speechless and says that he hit himself in the face by accident because he was so excited. Craig will be devastated not to dance next week, in BLACKPOOL, and will be gutted to be eliminated tonight on HIS BIRTHDAY. Ricky G thought he did a good job tonight.
8.16pm: Yay, it's Darren, Lilia and Matt Cutler time!
8.19pm: Apparently that was a cha-cha with a Moulin Rouge tinge. Vincent and Flavia did a mad trick where she did a backward roll under his legs. Matt really is a fabulous dancer. Lilia and Darren are magnificent and adorable as always.
8.20pm: Ooh, an At Home with James and Ola. I like it. They are dancing round their kitchen on a Sunday morning. Oh, then it changes to just another "a week in the life of all the Strictly competitors", the likes of which we see on It Takes Two every night.
8.24pm: Ooh, another pro dance - and MORE MATT CUTLER! Oh, Strictly, tonight, you are really spoiling us.
8.26pm: Aw, Matt and Aliona kiss at the end of their routine.
8.27pm: The lines have closed, and now it is time for the two-thirds of the Bee Gees that remain, who are going to sing You Should Be Dancing. YEAH!
8.28pm: Gosh. The falsetto's gone a bit there, hasn't it?
8.33pm: Bruce thanks the Bee Gees and Brian, Kristina, James and Ola, who danced round them. We are reminded that everyone wants to dance in BLACKPOOL, which is NEXT WEEK. Ali talks about it being the home of ballroom dancing; Chris draws some sporting parallels; Zoe went to the Tower Ballroom as a little girl; Ricky W has his fingers crossed; AND hold on to your hats, Craig is ACTUALLY FROM BLACKPOOL! Jade wants the buzz and cannot wait; Natalie would feel like a proper dancer; Phil wants to get to Blackpool just like he wanted to play at Lord's; Laila wants to dance at Blackpool with the ballroom king; Ricky G thinks it would be a lifechanging achievement to get that far.
8.38pm: This is the moment of truth. Who will dance in BLACKPOOL? Why, Craig and Flavia will! He cannot believe it. Nor can I. Also dancing next week - Jade and Ian; Ricky G and Erin (Natalie pretends she appreciates Tess's pause after "Ricky...", but she does not); Natalie and Vincent; Ricky and Natalie; Laila and Anton; Phil and Katya; and Chris and Ola. BLOODY HELL. That means it's Ali and Brian v Zoe and James in the dance-off.
8.40pm: I think Ali is going to cry either from disappointment or in pain. And, as pointed out in comments, she's not got her heels on - she's in slippers. Not like fluffy slippers - ballet slippers, I mean.
8.41pm: Bruce and Tess agree they would not like to be judges. I agree that I would not like them to be judges either. Can you IMAGINE?
8.44pm: Craig says it is a heinous dilemma, but will save Ali and Brian. Alesha says she would like to keep both, and then acts like a toddler, refusing to make her mind up, but eventually opts for Zoe and James. Bruno squeals that it is ridiculous and unfair. Oh, shut up, and do your job. You know the rules, we have this every sodding year. He saves Ali and Brian. Len moans about it as well, calling it ludicrous and nonsensical. Yeah, well, so is your scoring. He says he is going to save Ali and Brian as well.
8.45pm: So Zoe and James are out. James says that winning the Strictly trophyball means everything to him, but he wouldn't swap Zoe for that. See, James, if you were nicer the rest of the time, people might like you more. Zoe's feathers are moulting all over the place.
8.46pm: Next week, apparently - and this may come as a shock to you - Strictly is LIVE from BLACKPOOL. And the show is starting earlier, at 6.25pm. So join me then, and until that time - keeeeeeeeeeeeep dancing!
