Goodness gracious, great Ed Balls of fire. He’s still in. It’s almost as if the producers of this programme are selecting song choices with headlines in mind. Can anything stop him now? Once again the good people of Great Britain saw fit to send Balls through to the next round, relegating likely finalist Claudia to a humiliating dance-off.
Up and down the country viewers were seemingly charmed by the sight of a politician in a keyboard tie, quiff quivering, eyes popping out of his head, five women straining to hold him up in the finale. Was it a good enough jive for this stage of the competition? Not really. Was it as entertaining as Gangnam Style? Not nearly. Is there anything that will stop people voting for him as part of the “in denial about the state of the world” feel-good movement? No way.
At this rate he won’t just get to the final, he will win. This week proved the dancing really doesn’t matter: he just has to turn up and get through the routine. Whatever your allegiances, Balls’ ongoing survival did cause an unfair dance-off. Claudia’s jive was close to pro level, hampered only by the fact that she is so ridiculously acrobatic and athletic in a way that is designed for another sport entirely.
The Olympic long-jumper didn’t deserve to be there either. Greg Rutherford has been a wonderful contestant, giving his all and creating a very sweet partnership with Natalie Lowe, herself a cross between Venus and a velociraptor. (I mean this in the nicest way. She plays to win; that’s what I love about her.) I had a bit of a blub about her closing words: “Sorry I couldn’t get you any further.”
Meanwhile Danny Mac continues to be jaw-droppingly good. Double one-handed cartwheel while holding hands with your partner? No sweat. Yes, there is an automaton quality to his greatness: the man is a dancing machine. It looks effortless but it isn’t. He’s putting in 11-hour training days. As for Judge Rinder? His tricks are impressive but is the technique really there? Jake Wood did the bum wiggle a million times better. I loved Kevin’s choreography for the paso, but I felt Louise was over-marked and didn’t quite rise above looking like she was auditioning for a role as a witchy princess in Merlin. Ore benefited from the pomp and circumstance of the occasion which matched his dance, but I agreed with Craig’s reservations.
What will clinch it now? Whoever can marry perfect technique and bags of personality to outsmart the unstoppable Balls fanbase. Crucially, though, what kind of mood were the judges in this week? Let’s revisit their best bits ...
Darcey: woman of a thousand hairstyles
It was a priceless moment as Darcey physically attacked Craig for awarding Ore an eight when everyone else gave him a 10. And her chin hitting the floor when Craig awarded top marks to Danny. Ore put her in Viennese heaven: “That was the longest-lasting fleckerl I’ve ever seen on Strictly.” (I can’t imagine she sees loads of fleckerls anywhere else, but never mind.)
Bruno: the jack-in-the-box
Bruno led the (overblown?) rhapsodies for Louise’s paso: “Beauty, artistry, power ...” It’s bothering me that the judges are not giving Louise enough constructive criticism. She’s got the moves, but she could push harder. Bruno also got very excited about having to say the word “ambidextrous” to Greg. But the best Bruno-ism? “I’ve booked a shrink, a chiropractor and a retreat to the Himalayas to recover from Ed Balls Syndrome.”
Len: the diamond geezer on a farewell tour
It felt as if Len was holding back this week. I was surprised they didn’t refer to the fact that this would be his last time judging in Blackpool. In fact, they haven’t wanted to mention his imminent exit much at all. A few of his comments were intriguing. “Choreography overload ...” he said to Danny, as if building up to a criticism. But then: “Fantastic.” And to Greg: “You’re a long jumper and the only thing you mucked up was the leap.” Equally cryptic to Ore: “You went on and on with that fleckerl, which I didn’t mind.” I’m looking forward to an increasingly grumpy Len as we coast into the final weeks.
Craig: the great choreographer trapped inside a pantomime dame
Everyone is goaded into enforced jolliness at Blackpool to keep up the “isn’t-this-the-most-spectacular-thing-ever” grinning narrative. Craig is no exception. He allowed himself an ominously prophetic mention of Greg’s wayward thumb. But apart from that, he was all sweet and light. How significant is the busting out of the cobwebbed 10 paddle? Very. As far as I can work out (using multiple Googlings), the only time he has ever awarded a 10 at this stage was to Darren and Jill for the legendary I’m Still Standing jive. (Strictly stats nerds, please correct me if I’m wrong.) Does this count as an anointing of Danny Mac? I think it might. On the other hand, it might just be part of an all-out anti-Balls strategy.
