Keeeep dancing!
So that was the first instalment. There might not have been any big stars, but there was charm, glitter and great moves by the bucketful. Thanks very much for joining me. Here’s a final thought from sojomo.
So judging by the group dance to Kenny Loggins’s Footloose, Chizzy is a useful mover, Debbie McGee can dance, Charlotte Hawkins has all the animation of a fossil and the hip-thrusting Rev is this year’s Ed Balls.
So that’s it, everyone’s paired off and Strictly 2017 can commence. Bruno is asked for his verdict and says it will either be “ecstasy or shock horror”. Channeling RuPaul’s Drag Race, with a BBC-friendly spin, Craig advises the couples in the group dance, “Don’t mess it up”.
Joe McFadden is paired with Russian raver Katya Jones. Jonnie gets South African sizzler Oti Mabuse. And Brian Conley gets Welsh waltzer Amy Dowden. Brian’s Mr Saturday Night routine could do with turning down a notch or two IMO ...
We’re meeting the final three contestants: Joe McFadden first, whose modest aim is “moves I can bust out at parties”. Then is Paralympian Jonnie Peacock, who lost a leg aged five, but is unlikely to let even that deter him from expert hoofing. And then there’s Bradley Walsh, who says that whatever happens, “it is gonna be entertaining”.
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Now we’re at the Strictly Boot Camp and Simon Rimmer looks like he couldn’t cut a rug if you gave him a pair of shears and directed him to Carpet World.
I didn’t enjoy Rita’s song as much as the pictures of her emerging from the GQ Awards this week in a tired and emotional state.
Craig’s pick for success is Mollie, thanks to the “twerking she did on the red carpet.” Now we’ve got Rita Ora covering a song by Avicii - what a time to be alive as the youth would say.
Susan has a poster of Kevin on her fridge, claims Claudia, “laminated”. She then suggests that he moves in with Susan, her wife and their five cats. Sounds like a plan.
Which leaves a hyperventilating Alexandra Burke paired up with the superbly named Gorka Marquez.
Susan Calman is is glamorous in purple and dramatic eyeshadow. She’s paired with Grimsby groover Kevin Clifton – and it sends her dissolving into tears - aww ...
In a partner, Mollie is looking for “anyone who’ll have me.” She gets AJ Pritchard, who looks about 10 but is apparently 21, and from Stoke-on-Trent.
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They’re getting partnered up. Charlotte has been up since 3am thanks to her job on Good Morning Britain. She’s paired off with Brendan Cole, which has to be an upgrade from the man she usually shares a sofa with – Piers Morgan.
Back to the contestants. Charlotte Hawkins “can’t wait to be Strictlyfied.” Mollie King from the Saturdays sounds posher than the Queen. And Susan Calman says “there is nothing in this world I have wanted more than to be on Strictly. She adds that she hasn’t worn a dress since she was 17 or danced with a man for over a decade. If she goes all the way it will be magnificent.
Alexandra Burke, meanwhile, has been hoofing in Sister Act but says her dance experience is “very little” – hmm ...
“It’s incredibly hard to think that he’s not around ... but I bet he’s watching,” concludes Darcey. Then there’s a rather beautiful ballroom routine to Fly Me to the Moon. “What a routine, he would have loved that,” says Tess, who is visibly choked up. “Didn’t he do well?”
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It's the Bruce tribute!
Tess remembers that Bruce Forsyth allayed her early nerves by saying “Just walk towards me, darling, and I’ll give you a little twirl.” You can just imagine it, can’t you? We also get a good airing of one of his many catchphrases, “You’re my favourite”.
Reigning champion Ore Oduba and Joanne Clifton return to reprise their jive to Bruno Mars’s Runaway Baby. It’s crisp, sharp and sensational – something to aim at for this year’s crop. Tess says it’s Joanne’s last appearance – she’s off (he says, googling) to be a West End star.
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After all that action, we’ve got Shania Twain taking to the podium to perform her new number Life’s About to Get Good. It’s 15 - 15! - years since she last put out an album.
Diane’s “truly blessed” to be partnered with the Rev. Given that their union prompted a blast of the Hallelujah chorus from the Beeb, expect the religious gags to wear mighty thin between now and Christmas.
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Simon’s with Karen Clifton, the Venezuelan hoofer, and says he’s looking forward to being slagged off by Craig.
Gavood has got Nadia Bychkova, who is already exciting the tabloids as she once posed for Playboy. Gavood is frequently naked in EastEnders, so they’ve got a propensity to disrobe in common. Early candidates for the Strictly curse?
“God moves in mysterious ways, will you?” asks Tess of Richard Coles, who says “it’s more of a spasm”. He’s partnered with flame-haired Diane.
“Craig’s giving me the evilest look right now,” says Aston. “That’s just Craig’s resting face” zings Tess. Aston is partnered with Janette Manrara. She’s height-appropriate, so Aston’s happy.
Davood Ghadami from Eastenders is ripped af isn’t he? This doesn’t necessarily translate on the dancefloor, though he’ll certainly manage to carry off the glittery shirt. Simon Rimmer, meanwhile, calls himself a “lumbering 54-year-old bloke who might come out with a new skill”. Good attitude.
Here come the blokes. Aston Merrygold wants a partner who’s short, a “towering Amazon might be quite good for me but not so much for the judges”. He acknowledges that he danced professionally in JLS, but that it was mainly backflips. Richard Coles, meanwhile, offers to unleash the “lord of the dance within”.
Controversy breaking out BTL over Claudia’s frock:
Oh Alex - being generous Claud's dress looks like one of those covers for a loo roll stand your granny might favour. It is a nice colour though..
Wow, the pros are doing a routine that involves the women being spun around like catherine wheels in mid air, before they descend on green drapes to the strains of Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It).
Susan Calman’s now talking about the dancer she wants to partner, who she “loves slightly more than my wife”. There has been some minor controversy about the fact that she’s dancing with a male partner. I guess this passes for controversy if you don’t get out that much.
Shirley sounds a bit like Sharon Osborne doesn’t she? She’s taking us through her illustrious dancing career. “You really have spent a lifetime on the dancefloor,” says Tess. We’ve all had nights out that felt like that. She’s after top-notch technique and claims to be stricter than acid-tongued Aussie Craig Revel Horwood which could make for a rather spicy Saturday evening.
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tinyismynewt has a question:
My far from expert view is that they both look spiffing.
Ruth Langsford doesn’t fear the curse of Strictly – she hopes her husband and co-presenter Eamonn Holmes gets “horribly jealous” by her dancing partner. This turns out to be Anton Du Beke ... so maybe not so much.
Chizzy has landed Strictly stalwart Pasha Kovalev, the Siberian, er, slider.
Debbie McGee, meanwhile, has landed Giovanni Pernice, the Sicilian stomper.
Which dancer would she like to partner? “I’ll take any,” says Gemma with admirable lack of fussiness. She’s ended up with Aljaž Skorjanec.
Debbie McGee reckons she’ll be best at the Latin numbers – no doubt seen-it-all Shirley will have something to say about that. Chizzy can do the electric slide, aka the dance you do at weddings when three sheets to the wind. Ruth Langsford says she’s a blank canvas, ready to be transformed. And the first dancer is Gemma Atkinson, drawing the short straw.
Shirley speaks! To make a winner, she says, takes tenacity and “creativity outside the box”. She’s seen it all when it comes to dancing, she reckons – although we all thought that before we saw Katya Jones riding Ed Balls like a crazed bull (or was it the other way round)?
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Aaand here come the contenders, descending the staircase onto the dancefloor. Who will be the one who really can’t dance at all ie the Ed Balls? Maybe Richard Coles, who has pimped up his shirt front/cassock, if that’s not an inappropriate expression for a man of the cloth, with some glitter.
Tess and Claudia are looking glamorous – of course – in midnight blue. They kick off by paying tribute to the late Bruce Forsyth. We’ve also got Shania Twain and Rita Ora coming up, along with a jive from last year’s winners. If that’s not a recipe for a great Saturday night, what is?
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Here come the professionals on an enormous red-carpeted dancefloor doing an old-school Hollywood number with enormous white fans, sparkly gowns and elbow-length gloves. Then we cut to that famous shiny-floored studio and the BBC’s band parping out Daft Punk’s Get Lucky as the pros perform further expert gyrations. And here come the judges throwing a few shapes, with Shirley shimmying onto the set in a flaming red dress.
We're on, it's back!
Tess and Claudia kick us off with a skit in which they’re receptionists in the dear old BBC, admitting the dancers, the judges, Shirley Ballas the new judge (whose face we haven’t seen yet, but who seems to have va-va-voom in spades), and workmen carrying two vats of fake tan and a wheelbarrowful of glitter. It’s witty, tongue in cheek and very Strictly.
In the comments, davidargile is setting the mood admirably.
Howdy
It's all dancing off again. The dancing madness is here in the words of alexandra burke "hallelujah"
It's great to see all the gang back together. I also want to mention brucie. I would often mock his cracker jokes and how long he has been in show business for. With his passing I want to say he was a true great of tv and his ability to get the best out of the contestants and all he work with shows how good he really was. He will be missed and not forgot on the shows he presented. R.I.P Bruce.
On that somber note let's turn our attention to the dancing now and glitter and booze our way till Christmas.
The 15th series of Strictly starts right here!
It’s the high point of the light entertainment calendar – a whole new series of Strictly. Last year brought us the unforgettable spectacle of Ed Balls doing the salsa to Gangnam Style – and in the process, completely rehabilitating himself in the eyes of the great British public.
It’s a bit more difficult to see who will generate the watercooler moments this year since, as many people have pointed out, the contestants aren’t exactly A-list. We’ve got not one, but two cast members from Holby City (Joe McFadden and Chizzy Akudolu); a brace of former X Factor contestants (Alexandra Burke and Aston Merrygold from JLS); another pair from morning telly (Ruth Langsford and Charlotte Hawkins); and Mollie King from the Saturdays – the third person from the band to do Strictly (she was in the X Factor as well). I can imagine the cloud of dust being blown off an old showbiz Rolodex in order to book Debbie McGee and Brian Conley. The wild card is the Reverend Richard Coles, Communard turned clergyman, who has national treasure status in his sights if he plays this one properly – as does the diminutive comic Susan Calman.
So why have actual famous people fought shy of Strictly this year? Tom Harrington, a TV research analyst, puts it in blunt terms in a story from the Guardian today: “It’s hard for husbands or wives to go on the show because they always run off with the dancer.” In other words, the famous curse of Strictly, which the Sun calculates has killed off 13 relationships, the most recent being the 18-year marriage of Louise and Jamie Redknapp.
There’s more drama over on the judges’ table, with Shirley Ballas replacing Len “pickle me walnuts” Goodman as head honcho. Known as the Queen of Latin, and with a trophy cabinet groaning with gongs from her career as a professional dancer, what she doesn’t know about the cha-cha-cha probably isn’t worth knowing. Len, meanwhile, has sailed off into the sunset – or rather, is devoting himself to his somewhat more lucrative gig as judge on Strictly’s American equivalent, Dancing With the Stars. Bruno Tonioli also serves as a judge on the show, which is filmed in LA. OK, they won’t exactly be doing it on Ryanair, but even so I wouldn’t fancy doing that flight twice a week.
So who am I to be liveblogging Strictly like some kind of self-styled expert, you might ask – and you’d be right. I was living abroad between 2013 and late last year, meaning that the last time I saw a full series of Strictly, Bruce Forsyth was presenting it. Naturally, there will be a tribute to that legend of showbiz on the show tonight, conveyed through the medium of dance. In other words, the dancers will strike Brucey’s famous “Thinker” pose. If that’s the extent of the tribute, don’t make a cup of tea – or even blink – for fear of missing it.
Back to my relationship with Strictly. It was long and passionate, then we went on a break, but I’m hoping the magic will return tonight. Do join me in the comments, or on twitter @alexneedham74. You can even email me if you’re feeling that strongly – alex.needham@theguardian.com. The show starts at 7pm on BBC1. In the meantime, here’s an old Strictly clip that brings me deep and inexplicable joy – Gethin Jones casting off his inhibitions to jive to Amy Stewart’s Knock on Wood a full 10 – 10! – years ago.
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I had forgotten how long it goes on.
Legs crossed time.
Must remember for the coming weeks: really shouldn't have so much to drink.