'Stress and three young kids means sex life is in ruins - I worry for our marriage'

Dear Coleen,

I’m an exhausted mum of three young children and worried that my marriage – and especially my sex life – is suffering as a result.

I still really fancy my husband, who’s a very attractive guy, but we hardly ever have sex these days.

I’m always tired or grouchy from looking after the kids all day and he’s often stressed and intolerant from being at work.

We haven’t talked about it, but it’s the elephant in the room and I’m worried that if it goes on much longer, there won’t be a marriage at all.

The problem is I don’t ever feel like having sex and I don’t feel sexy – how can I turn this around?

The woman says she is desperate to get out of the rut (file image) (Getty Images/Westend61)

All I want to do is fall into bed at night as soon as possible, put on my sleep mask, put in some headphones to listen to music to help me drift off and get as many hours of rest as possible before the kids get up at 6am.

I know it’s not good for our marriage in the long term, but I don’t know what it’ll take to get us out of this rut.

Please help!

Coleen says,

It’s so easy to fall into this trap, ­especially if you have young kids.

It appears you’ve stopped thinking of yourself as a couple.

Here’s the thing, if you split up and eventually met someone else you really liked and it was all exciting, you’d make time for that person, sort out babysitters and make plans because you want to see them alone.

We take our relationships for granted, so we stop making the effort for each other and things become routine and mundane.

But you have to talk about it – talk about why you love each other and how much you fancied each other when you met. Sometimes when you reminisce it can bring all those positive feelings to the surface.

Coleen advises that both parties must make the effort (Getty Images/Tetra images RF)

I can think about my first boyfriend now and still recall those feelings I had all those years ago.

If you’re doing that with your husband, it does reignite desire and help you remember why you’re together.

Start making plans, even if it’s one night a week or one night a fortnight – it won’t kill your kids to have a sleepover or a babysitter.

But you have to make it happen – desire won’t just drop out of the sky and land in your lap.

Also, it has to be an ongoing effort – you can’t try hard one week then forget about it for a couple of months.

But if you keep going, it will bring you closer and have an effect in terms of feeling sexy and wanting sex.