What went right
Back in the 90s, when you were the most versatile – and probably the hottest – actor in the business. After bit parts in A Nightmare on Elm Street and Platoon, you cut a path to fame as Edward Scissorhands, Tim Burton’s shear-fingered innocent. You’ve had a long (and patchy) history of collaborations with him since, but this was a highlight. You were a vulnerable recluse whose freakish appendages first appall, then attract the picket-fencers of Smalltown, USA. It was hard not to see it as a reflection of your own appeal: all of us suburban housewives swooning over your elfish sexiness. Then came What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, where you played the hunky, sensitive older bro to a disabled sibling (coaxing Leonardo DiCaprio to a performance that’s close to his best) and Ed Wood (Burton again, in a biopic of the hapless director). The 90s had room for two more of your great performances – as an undercover FBI agent in Donnie Brasco and in Terry Gilliam’s whacked-out Hunter S Thompson adaptation Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Then came the millennium and, frankly, your resume got blotted.
What went wrong
Pirates of the Caribbean. You were marvellous in the original as Captain Jack Sparrow, the boozy libertine at the heart of the swashbuckling franchise, but the film made bucketloads of cash and became emblematic of your decline. Sparrow is a quirk, not a character. And you’ve beaten the schtick to death through four more, very lucrative, films (and an upcoming fifth). Your collaborations with Burton have suffered in the same way. The bleak nastiness of Sleepy Hollow (an early cowardly role for you – you wear fear well) gave way to cameos as cartoonish ringmasters (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Alice in Wonderland, Dark Shadows) with less depth than a Halloween costume.
Occasionally you’ll bump into something great: Rango (an animated western in which you were a scaredy-cat chameleon forced to be sheriff) was fun and your meaty role in Black Mass (playing James “Whitey” Bulger) was tipped as a return to form. But here, looming over the horizon, come Pirates of the Caribbean 5 and Alice in Wonderland 2. Massive reminders that your talent is matched only by your reluctance to say ”no”.
What you should do next
Break up with Burton and swim against the Pirates tide. Resist all sequels, except Rango 2. Take a chance on a fresh director (Damien Chazelle? JC Chandor?) or established names that are better at giving kook a bit of heft (Alejandro González Iñárritu? Spike Jonze?). Lend Gilliam a hand getting his Don Quixote film made, finally. He’s been titling long enough. Help us to help you by adding a clause to all your future contracts banning the use of funny accents and/or noses. Pop that distinctive voice into an adult animation (something like Through A Scanner Darkly or Charlie Kaufman’s forthcoming Anomalisa). In a proper supporting role, mind. No more zany cameos. You did telly once – appearing in 21 Jump Street in the 80s – when it was stupid. Give it a go now it’s smart. Stop saying you don’t care about winning an Oscar, if only because it’ll make you look like you’re trying again.You’re a brilliant actor. Take yourself and your work seriously. After all, what else are you going to do for a living? Wait for another Fast Show reunion? Play slide guitar …?
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You need discipline, Nicolas Cage. Call Michael Haneke!
