It’s less than 100 days to the Eurovision song contest in Tel Aviv in May, and the beady-eyed among you may have noticed that the UK doesn’t have a Song for Europe yet. Or you may have been distracted by other things we don’t have, like a functioning government or a vision for the future that doesn’t feature critical pesto shortages.
The UK’s live selection is on BBC2 tonight, with a new twist: this year there are three songs in the shortlist, each performed by two artists so the public and panel of judges can choose the best version of the best song.
It sounds good on paper, and in fairness we really can’t do any worse than recent years – the UK hasn’t troubled the top half of the Grand Final score board since Blue sang I Can in 2011. Clearly we can’t, probably because we keep sending three-minute yawns to a contest that ditched naff novelty tunes in favour of uber-polished performances years ago. Sadly the BBC’s selection criterion seems to be “probably won’t come last”, a bar so low you’d need limbo training to navigate it.
So who are this year’s runners and riders, and are any of the songs likely to tickle Europe’s fancy? SPOILER ALERT: NO. But let’s go with it anyway; it’s more fun than stockpiling chickpeas.
Song one: Bigger Than Us
Artist one: Michael Rice
This soaring piano ballad has a key change so vast and cheesy you could pour it into a pot and call it fondue. Songs with a key change rarely do well at Eurovision unless they’re amazing in all other respects. Unless Rice has some showstopping staging up his sleeve, this absolutely isn’t.
Artist two: Holly Tandy
Holly has given Bigger Than Us a foot-tappy country feel, switching the piano for a guitar and ditching the monster key change for a drum-based breakdown. I much prefer this: with some live drums and Holly crooning into a massive wind machine, I could imagine the crowd quite enjoying themselves.
Song two: Freaks
Artist one: Jordan Clarke
This song lost me at the unforgivable use of the word “soccer” in line two, and was dangling over the bin by the time Jordan kicked into the chorus, which sounds like a CBeebies version of Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance. The only hope for this is if Jordan’s performance is equally bonkers, in which case I might get on board.
Artist two: MAID
The second version of Freaks is sung by all-girl trio MAID, who all look suspiciously un-freakish – their version is accompanied by plinky plonky sound effects and the background moan of a dying bear. I can only conclude that this song was included to make the other two seem more appealing; it’s the musical equivalent of the cheapest bottle of wine on the menu. We should never speak of it again.
Song three: Sweet Lies
Artist one: Kerrie-Anne
Oh thank goodness, it’s a throw-your-hands-in-the-air banger. Every Eurovision needs a massive dancefloor anthem, and I’m not fussed that this one sounds like it’s been shipped in from 1994 with no apologies for being 25 years late to the party. It’s crying out for shirtless dancers and Kerrie-Anne belting this out in a haze of sequins. Count me in.
Artist two: Anisa
There are many things you could have done with a song this uplifting, from a soaring drum‘n’bass remix to massive rock anthem. What we definitely did not need was a John Lewis maudlin deconstruction. NOPE.
So who will represent the UK at Eurovision this year? The comment box is open for your considered thoughts and constructive input, and Eurovision: You Decide is on BBC2 tonight at 7.30pm. Enjoy.
