And now the Championship: Birmingham 0-0 Newcastle; Blackburn 2-2 Preston; Burton 3-5 Brentford; Cardiff 3-1 Ipswich; Fulham 1-3 Wolves; Norwich 2-0 Barnsley; Nottm Forest 2-2 Derby; QPR 5-1 Rotherham; Wigan 0-2 Aston Villa.
The Scottish Premiership: Aberdeen 2-0 Hearts; ICT 1-1 Ross County; Kilmarnock 1-1 Partick Thistle; Motherwell 1-2 St Johnstone; Rangers 4-0 Hamilton.
And assorted aforementioned others: Bolton 2-1 Northampton; Hibernian 2-2 Dumbarton; Raith Rovers 2-1 Dundee United; Athletic Bilbao 1-2 Real Madrid.
The final word, then, to our resident Dundee United fan Oor Simon: “Jings! Crivvens! Help ma boab! Another defeat. Ach well, at least it’s mince and tatties for tea.”
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The Premier League full times are in! Crystal Palace 1-0 Watford; Everton 4-0 Hull; Stoke 1-2 Chelsea; Sunderland 0-0 Burnley; WBA 3-1 Arsenal; West Ham 2-3 Leicester City.
So runaway leaders Chelsea take another step towards the title; Leicester finally win away from home this season; Palace pull away from danger at the bottom; and Everton move into sixth spot ahead of Manchester United. “If United win tomorrow at Boro they’ll do more than reclaim their spot from Everton: they’ll go above Arsenal into fifth place,” notes Julian Le Saux. “It’s Arsene Wenger whose jaiket is on the shoogliest of pegs at the moment if I’m not wrong.”
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RED CARD! Bardsley (Stoke City, 90+3)
A desperate late challenge on Fabregas, and he’s off.
GOAL! Everton 4-0 Hull City (Lukaku 90 +3)
To answer my own question: yes.
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A huge goal at the bottom of the Scottish Premiership! Alex Schalk has scored an 86th-minute equaliser for Ross County in the Highland derby at ICT. A sickener for the bottom-placed Caley Jags. Meanwhile Conor Sammon has levelled things up for Kille against Partick in the 87th minute.
GOAL! Everton 3-0 Hull City (Lukaku 90+1)
They’re going to miss him if he goes, aren’t they.
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GOAL! Stoke City 1-2 Chelsea (Cahill 86)
Stoke come back at Chelsea. Ramadan Sobhi shanks a great chance from ten yards, out for a throw. And then the league leaders go up the other end, Cahill making up for giving away a penalty by scoring what is surely the winner!
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What a game at Burton! Brentford took an early lead, Burton went 3-1 up, the visitors levelled, and now Brentford are 5-3 up, Lasse Vibe and Jota scoring a quick-fire late double to surely win a classic!
Another chance for West Ham against Leicester! A big comic-book scramble in City’s area, but nobody in claret-and-blue can poke it home. Meanwhile a second goal for Villa at Wigan; Scott Hogan with that. And in League One, promotion-chasing Bolton were losing at home to Northampton, but Adam Le Fondre and Filipe Morais have turned that one around late on.
And now Ayew has missed a one-on-one against Schmeichel! Leicester are hanging on a bit. Meanwhile up in Scotland, there might be hope for Oor Simon yet: Simon Murray has pulled one back for his Dundee United at Raith. It’s 2-1. And Martin Boyle has equalised for leaders Hibs against Dumbarton. That’s 2-2.
Andy Carroll has just seen a downward header clawed away from the goal, Gordon Banks style, by Kasper Schmeichel. Carroll = Pele. Just writing that when I can.
GOAL! Everton 2-0 Hull City (Valencia 78)
That red-card decision better have been correct, because it’s done for relegation-haunted Hull. More space in the midfield, and Enner Valencia one-twos with Lukaku to secure the three points. The Toffees will move up to sixth place, ahead of Manchester United, who’ll need to win at Middlesbrough tomorrow to reclaim their spot.
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Wolves have re-established their two-goal lead at Fulham: Dave Edwards tapping in to make it 3-1. James Chester has given Aston Villa the lead at Wigan. And up in the Scottish Premiership, Chris Erskine has given Partick Thistle the lead at Kilmarnock, while Rangers have made it 4-0 against the Accies, Lee Wallace with that one. A fine debut in the Ibrox dugout for Pedro Caixinha!
RED CARD! Huddlestone (Hull City, 73)
A straight red card at Everton for a studs-up slide tackle on Lukaku. On the touchline, Marco Silva engages in trenchant philosophical debate with the fourth official, arguing that it’s a soft red.
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Chelsea are beginning to cause Stoke City some bother in the Potteries. Luiz hits a free kick from a stupid distance, not far inside the Stoke half. His brazen cheek is enough to shock Grant in the Stoke goal, who nearly parries the bouncing, swerving ball straight to Costa. Soon after, Alonso has a dig and rattles the bar. Stoke hanging on a little.
GOAL! Crystal Palace 1-0 Watford (Deeney 68 og)
Could it be three wins on the bounce for revitalised Palace? Troy Deeney has headed past his own keeper, and this could be a huge goal at the bottom of the Premier League table! Hull, Sunderland and Middlesbrough will be feeling the funk.
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GOAL! West Ham United 2-3 Leicester City (Ayew 63)
Nope, that elusive away victory for Leicester City isn’t in the bag quite yet! Some head tennis after a corner, and Carroll sets up Ayew to reduce West Ham’s arrears!
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More news from Scotland, where Simon McMahon has slipped into Sunday Post vernacular. “United in a richt fankle noo, 2-0 Raith Rovers!! McKinnon’s jaiket will soon be on a shoogly peg at this rate. Hibs losing 2-1 at hame tae Dumbarton, tho. Seems naebody wants tae win this league.”
Hull have been asking questions of Everton, but they were nearly made to pay for their new boldness by Romelu Lukaku on the break. It’s still 1-0 to the home heroes at Goodison. Dumbarton have quickly regained the lead at Hibs through Robert Thomson. And Brentford have hauled themselves level at Burton, Sergi Canos scoring his second of the afternoon from a prohibitive angle.
Completing our Wolves triptych, Fulham have pulled a goal back at Craven Cottage through Denis Odoi. Martyn Waghorn has put Rangers 3-0 up against the Accies, converting a penalty kick. And in the Scottish Championship, leaders Hibs had been trailing Dumbarton at Easter Road, but a Daniel Harvie own goal has put them on terms.
More good news for struggling Wolves: Brentford are back in it at relegation threatened Burton, Lasse Vibe reducing his side’s deficit to 2-3.
This could be a big goal in Scotland: Greg Tansey gives Caley Thistle the lead in the Highland derby against Ross County. If they hold onto that, they’ll be leapfrogging Hamilton at the bottom, with the Accies currently losing at Ibrox. Meanwhile Andreas Weimann has given Wolves a 2-0 lead at Fulham. This would be some result for the old gold, who couldn’t have expected much against in-form play-off hopefuls.
A lot of empty seats at Sunderland today. The folk who have turned up for the visit of Burnley nearly had something to celebrate early in the second half, but Fabio Borini couldn’t convert a one-on-one. Mild seething from the stands, though weary resignation remains the top note.
The second halves are under way all across the country. More exciting breaking news as we have it!
Some more news on Arsene Wenger, with Arsenal all over the shop right now. He says he will announce his decision about his future “very soon”. Ah, God bless the modern 24-hour breaking-news cycle. “I know what I will do in my future, so you will soon know. Very soon!”
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Some Premier League half-times, then! Crystal Palace 0-0 Watford; Everton 1-0 Hull; Stoke 1-1 Chelsea; Sunderland 0-0 Burnley; WBA 3-1 Arsenal (F); West Ham 1-3 Leicester.
The Championship: Birmingham 0-0 Newcastle; Blackburn 2-2 Preston (F); Burton 3-1 Brentford; Cardiff 1-1 Ipswich; Fulham 0-1 Wolves; Norwich 1-0 Barnsley; Forest 2-2 Derby (F); QPR 2-1 Rotherham; Wigan 0-0 Aston Villa.
And in the Scottish Premiership: Aberdeen 2-0 Hearts (F); ICT 0-0 Ross County; Kilmarnock 0-0 Partick; Motherwell 1-1 St Johnstone; Rangers 2-0 Hamilton.
The latest news from our Cultural Cringe of the Day: Real Madrid are a goal up at Atheltic Bilbao, Cristiano Ronaldo setting up Karim Benzema just before the half hour.
Clint Hill, the Rangers hero against Celtic last weekend, has scored again! A tap-in to put the Teddy Bears 2-0 up at home against the Accies. Meanwhile an equaliser for Motherwell against St Johnstone: Scott McDonald with that one. And our Clockwatch pal Simon McMahon will be beelin’: Craig Barr has given Raith the lead over downwardly mobile Dundee United.
Sam Clucas has missed a glorious opportunity to level things for Hull at Everton. Ashley Barnes has similarly spurned one for Burnley at Sunderland. Matt Ritchie has bundled the ball into the net for Championship leaders Newcastle at Birmingham, but it’s been disallowed for offside. And Burton have made it 3-1 against Brentford; Cauley Woodrow with their latest.
GOAL! West Ham United 1-3 Leicester City (Vardy 38)
Carroll misses a simple clearing header from a Mahrez corner. Vardy is on hand to tap home. The champions, once again, are looking good for their first away win of the season. Leeds United 1992-93, eat your heart out!
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GOAL! Stoke City 1-1 Chelsea (Walters 38 pen)
Cahill shoves Walters in the back. A soft penalty, but a penalty. Walters scoops himself up and slots the spot kick away. The league leaders are pegged back!
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Stoke have had the ball in the net against Chelsea, but they’re not level. Martins Indi heads home from a corner, but Berahino has been a-pushin’ and a-shovin’, and the flag goes up for saucy play. Meanwhile more bad news for the Blackburns and Forests of this world: Ivan Cavaleiro has put fellow Championship strugglers Wolves 1-0 up at promotion-chasing Fulham.
Emerson Hyndman has given Rangers the lead over relegation-threatened Hamilton Accies at Ibrox. The other goal in the Scottish Premiership from the 3pm kick-offs so far: Liam Craig has put St Johnstone 1-0 up at Motherwell.
Arsenal, who went down 3-1 at West Brom in the lunchtime kick-off, have now lost four of their last five Premier League games. Here’s under-fire Arsene Wenger, stating his case before the fan channels go into predictable (but predictably entertaining) meltdown. “It was a typical Premier League game nowadays where there is a team with a lot of the ball and a team who defends very well and plays on the counter-attack and set-pieces. We take all responsibility, it’s always a disappointment when you lose a game like that. We have all to take responsibility and to prepare for our next game. It’s very worrying because we are not used to that. Overall, I think we have a hell of a task to fight back but we need to regroup and focus on the games coming up because we have many big games.”
So much for that Blackburn succour. At the foot of the Championship, Marvin Sordell levels things up for Burton against Brentford ... then adds a second to give Nigel Clough’s side the lead! Two goals in two minutes.
GOAL! West Ham United 1-2 Leicester City (Lanzini 20)
Kasper Schmeichel was the hero at the King Power against Sevilla on Tuesday, but he shows Manuel Lanzini too much of the goal at a free kick, and the West Ham man whips it in. The Hammers are back in it! And Leicester’s first away win of the season isn’t secure quite yet!
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Some succour for Blackburn Rovers, who just threw away two points against Preston. It’s an early goal for Brentford at fellow strugglers Burton Albion. The former Liverpool winger Sergi Canos with that one.
GOAL! Stoke City 0-1 Chelsea (Willian 13)
A mistake by Stoke City keeper Lee Grant, who flaps a ball straight into the road of Willian. The champions elect (yes) are on their way.
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GOAL! Everton 1-0 Hull City (Calvert-Lewin 9)
The young man gives the Toffees an early lead! Barkley sets the 20-year-old up for his first Premier League goal on his first Premier League start for the club!
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GOAL! West Ham United 0-2 Leicester City (Huth 7)
... and this! First Mahrez floats a cross over Vardy and Okazaki and straight into the net. And within a few seconds of the restart, Huth heads an Albrighton cross home!
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GOAL! West Ham United 0-1 Leicester City (Mahrez 5)
No away win for Leicester this season yet. But look at this...
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Twitter, I take it all back. Seems it has a use after all. This is delightful. Many, many thanks to our man Gregg Bakowski for the tip-off.
John Burridge made his Palace debut 39 years ago today! 🤸🔴🔵 pic.twitter.com/eNkrACM3HA
— Crystal Palace F.C. (@CPFC) March 18, 2017
Some afternoon of action already, huh? And there’s more to come, because the 3pm kick-offs are GO! “As in life (or sport) nothing alas in sport (or life) is ever certain,” begins Ian Copestake, who sounds as though he’s been at the poetry books again. “So three draws for Chelsea in a race in which a draw is the new loss will spring a cat among the aviary.” Two minutes gone, no goals yet. A long, long way to go!
A couple of huge late goals in the early Championship kick-offs. Aiden McGeady has salvaged a draw for Preston North End at Blackburn Rovers, while Daniel Pinillos did likewise for Nottingham Forest against Derby County in the East Midlands derby. Both matches ended 2-2. That’ll hurt Rovers; had those matches both ended 60 seconds earlier, they were leapfrogging Forest at the bottom in the tight relegation scrap. As things stand, the 1995 Premier League champions are still third from bottom, still looking up at the 1979 and 1980 European Cup winners. Here, suddenly I feel very old.
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And there’s already one top-flight result in Scotland, too. Aberdeen have seen off Hearts 2-0 at Pittodrie, a result which means Celtic can’t win the title at Dundee tomorrow. (Their knees won’t be knocking too much, mind you; just two wins from their last ten matches will do it.) Shay Logan and Jonny Hayes got the goals for the second-placed Dons; Jayden Stockley was sent off for some petulance towards the end. The highlight of the game, though, was the manner in which Graeme Shinnie took down a ball from the heavens, then sent a pearler goalwards from 25 yards. Lionel Messi couldn’t have done any better. OK, couldn’t have done much better. Anyway, Jack Hamilton spilled Shinnie’s shot, Adam Rooney tucked away the rebound, the flag went up for offside, and I sense I’ve lost your attention already.
Anyway, all that happened. And with matters Caledonian in mind, here’s Simon McMahon with the usual: “Hot league action in Scotland today, not least in the Championship where Dundee United will be looking to arrest an alarming slump in form that has seen them drop to fourth against Raith Rovers. Leaders Hibs host Dumbarton and Falkirk meet Morton in the teatime kick off. In the Premiership it’s a Highland derby in Inverness as Ross County visit, and elsewhere it’s Rangers v Hamilton, Kilmarnock v Partick and Motherwell v St. Johnstone. In League One it’s East Fife v Alloa and Queens Park v Brechin, and in League Two Cowdenbeath, looking to avoid a third successive relegation, and on their best run of the season (unbeaten in two), host Montrose while Edinburgh City visit Clyde.”
It’s on!
There’s already been one Premier League result. West Brom have swatted Arsenal aside, 3-1 at the Hawthorns. More highly strung comment pieces / YouTube rants regarding Arsene Wenger ahoy! Rob Smyth watched that one: here’s how his MBM unfolded. Paul Wilson had his eyes peeled too, and this is his match report.
Crystal Palace make one change from the XI sent out for the win at West Brom. Jeff Schlupp comes in for Patrick van Aanholt. Watford make two changes to the starting XI that went down 4-3 against Southampton. Craig Cathcart and Darryl Janmaat are in; Jose Holebas and Stefano Okaka are out.
Everton make two changes to the 3-0 winners against West Brom. Idrissa Gueye and Dominic Calvert-Lewin come in for Kevin Mirallas and Gareth Barry. Hull City, fresh from a 2-1 win over Swansea, swap Kamil Grosicki for Curtis Davies.
Stoke City make one switch from the team sent out to draw at Manchester City. Marko Arnautovic replaces Mame Biram Diouf. Chelsea name the same team that beat Manchester United in the cup, bar switching Eden Hazard for Pedro.
Sunderland, having lost at home to Manchester City, welcome back Jason Denayer and Jack Rodwell, Lamine Kone and Didier N’Dong making way. Burnley stick with the same XI that nearly embarrassed Liverpool at Anfield.
West Ham, off the back of a 3-2 defeat at Bournemouth, welcome back Sam Byram and Andre Ayew, Mark Noble and Sofiane Feghouli making way. And Leicester City stick with the same XI who saw off Sevilla in the European Cup, the one exception being Yohan Benalouane’s replacing of Wes Morgan.
This afternoon's Premier League teams
Crystal Palace: Hennessey, Ward, Tomkins, Sakho, Schlupp, Cabaye, Milivojevic, Zaha, Puncheon, Townsend, Christian Benteke.
Subs: Speroni, Dann, Campbell, Lee, Sako, Delaney, Kelly.
Watford: Gomes, Cathcart, Kaboul, Prodl, Britos, Janmaat, Capoue, Behrami, Cleverley, Niang, Deeney.
Subs: Amrabat, Success, Doucoure, Zuniga, Holebas, Pantilimon, Okaka.
Referee: Martin Atkinson (W Yorkshire)
Everton: Robles, Coleman, Ashley Williams, Jagielka, Baines, Schneiderlin, Barkley, Davies, Gana, Calvert-Lewin, Lukaku.
Subs: Lennon, Barry, Valencia, Stekelenburg, Funes Mori, Holgate, Lookman.
Hull City: Jakupovic, Elabdellaoui, Davies, Ranocchia, Maguire, Robertson, Markovic, Huddlestone, N’Diaye, Clucas, Hernandez.
Subs: Meyler, Maloney, Grosicki, Diomande, Marshall, Elmohamady, Tymon.
Referee: Paul Tierney (Lancashire)
Stoke City: Grant, Bardsley, Shawcross, Martins Indi, Pieters, Allen, Cameron, Walters, Sobhi, Arnautovic, Berahino.
Subs: Muniesa, Whelan, Afellay, Adam, Diouf, Given, Crouch.
Chelsea: Courtois, Azpilicueta, Luiz, Cahill, Moses, Kante, Matic, Alonso, Willian, Costa, Pedro.
Subs: Begovic, Fabregas, Zouma, Ake, Loftus-Cheek, Batshuayi, Chalobah.
Referee: Anthony Taylor (Cheshire)
Sunderland: Pickford, Jones, Denayer, O’Shea, Oviedo, Gibson, Rodwell, Larsson, Januzaj, Defoe, Borini.
Subs: Mannone, Djilobodji, Khazri, Lescott, Ndong, Manquillo, Honeyman.
Burnley: Heaton, Lowton, Keane, Mee, Ward, Boyd, Barton, Hendrick, Arfield, Barnes, Gray.
Subs: Flanagan, Vokes, Brady, Defour, Robinson, Westwood, Tarkowski.
Referee: Robert Madley (West Yorkshire)
West Ham United: Randolph, Byram, Fonte, Reid, Cresswell, Kouyate, Obiang, Antonio, Lanzini, Ayew, Carroll.
Subs: Nordtveit, Feghouli, Snodgrass, Adrian, Collins, Masuaku, Fernandes.
Leicester City: Schmeichel, Simpson, Huth, Benalouane, Fuchs, Mahrez, Ndidi, Drinkwater, Albrighton, Okazaki, Vardy.
Subs: Chilwell, Musa, King, Amartey, Slimani, Zieler, Gray.
Referee: Roger East (Wiltshire)
Good afternoon!
It’s another fascinating set of traditional Saturday 3pm kick-offs in the Premier League. Here’s the card...
Crystal Palace v Watford
Everton v Hull City
Stoke City v Chelsea
Sunderland v Burnley
West Ham United v Leicester City
Now then. Not a huge amount of action towards the top end of the table, but what is occurring could be mighty significant. Chelsea are almost certainly the champions, we’ve been saying this for months now. But if there’s to be a Devon Loch narrative, it probably needs a defeat at Stoke today to trigger it. Chelsea’s 4-2 win at Stamford Bridge on New Year’s Eve was closer than the scoreline suggests, and the Blues lost on their last visit to the Potteries. But that defeat was their only loss against Stoke in their last eight meetings. And they’ve won eight of their last 11 away fixtures in all competitions. There’s not going to be any Devon Loch narrative, is there. Not even a nod to Cue Card.
Everton could overtake Manchester United in sixth, even if it’s just for one day, with a win at home over Hull. But the result at Goodison could have more serious significance at the bottom, with Hull hovering below the drop line, Crystal Palace (who host Watford) just above it. Elsewhere, rock-bottom Sunderland have a pint and chaser lined up in the last-chance saloon; three points at the expense of travel-sick Burnley are surely a must. And champions Leicester aren’t quite out of the woods yet: defeat at West Ham would keep them fretting. West Ham haven’t won at “home” since January, mind, and Leicester have their number, winning four of their last five meetings. Another triumph today for the Foxes would allow them to concentrate on the Champions League quarter-finals in a much calmer frame of mind.
In the Championship, leaders Newcastle United will be hopeful of bolstering their position at hapless Gianfranco Zola’s Birmingham; a Burton win at Brentford could heap pressure on a couple of historical giants down the bottom; and in the Scottish Premier, the Highland derby could throw a lifeline to relegation-haunted Inverness Caley Thistle, or send Ross County safely into mid-table. Finally, the Cultural Cringe of the Day is Athletic Bilbao versus Real Madrid; I’ll be paying lip service to that, as well, unless I forget. Team news from the Premier League to come, with kick-offs a-plenty at 3pm. Here we go, then!
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