THE GREATEST LOVE OF ALL
Tea-timely email tired of the monotony of life. Hopeless romantic. WLTM similar. Enjoys fibre-optic broadband, Homes Under The Hammer, and Tin. Available to meet most weeknights from (around) 5pm.
It’s fair to say that The Fiver’s Guardian Soulmates profile didn’t exactly set the internet alight. But having consulted the website’s ‘Help’ page, and taken the advice of its Casanova cousin Russellbrandybasedcocktailothario Fiver – “just be yourself” – this came as a bit of a shock. The Fiver is being itself! The Fiver absolutely loves Homes Under The Hammer, especially now that Dion Dublin presents the ruddy thing! But romance – oh cruel tormentor! – continues to run dry, with any potential matches disappearing over the horizon faster than Dimitar Berbatov’s hairline.
Indeed, if only The Fiver had but a smidgen of the Bulgarian’s panache and class, then perhaps it wouldn’t find itself in such a compromising position. Instead, The Fiver is forced to stockpile all its romance into inanimate objects, like a Subbuteo figurine of Glenn Hoddle, or a custard cream, or the FA Cup. In this last thing, at least, The Fiver is not alone, with Reading charmster Steve Clarke also doing his best to believe in the ROMANCE AND MAGIC AND HISTORY OF THE FA CUP before his side’s semi-final with Arsenal on Saturday. “It’s a great challenge for us, to give a little bit of excitement to the town,” he tub-thumped. “Reading have never played in an FA Cup final. These players have a chance to make history – what an incentive. [The players] won’t freeze and they won’t have any regrets, I can promise you.”
It is perhaps unfortunate that Reading – who have conceded 16 goals in their last three encounters with Arsenal and failed to win any of their five Championship matches since last month’s quarter-final win over Bradford City – face a team of superstars that have won eight on the bounce, but remember reader: form counts for nothing in these matches! That said, Clarke appears to be taking no chances and craftily identified something that his brave players must avoid against Alexis Sánchez and co.
“No mistakes,” he eureka-ed. “If you make mistakes in possession and give the ball away to Arsenal they will punish you. If you make silly mistakes in and around your own box they have got players that will capitalise on those chances. I know that if we play the perfect game, then we have a chance to go through.” When questioned as to how many times his side have attained such a level, Clarke replied: “Probably none – so it’s a big ask. But you have to ask it.” That’s the spirit Steve – the kind of optimism that gives The Fiver hope. Reading could yet reach their first ever FA Cup final. The Fiver could yet find love. If you don’t ask, you don’t get [rejected – Fiver Ed].
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I think [our] membership is sending a clear message that we continue to support president Blatter” – Concacaf head Jeffrey Webb on the plaudits showered in Sepp’s direction at this week’s congress, among them Trinidad and Tobago FA president Raymond Tim Kee labelling him the “father of football”, while Dominican Republic counterpart Osiris Guzman compared him to Moses, Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill, Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela and Jesus Christ. As you do.
FIVER LETTERS
“Maybe it’s just coincidence, but both players to have felt the sharp end of Joss Labadie’s teeth (Ronnie Henry and Ollie Banks, yesterday’s Bits and Bobs) sound like they should be characters on EastEnders. If it’s not a coincidence, AFC Wimbledon’s Alfie Potter might want to check over his shoulder every now and then” – Ben Graham.
“Does anyone know what error code -993imap.yahoo.com is? I can’t delete today’s Fiver. Somebody. Please” – Dan Johnson.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Ben Graham.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Start your weekend the AC Jimbo way. It’s Football Weekly Extraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Oh, and what’s this? They’ve given Producer Ben his own Masterclass.
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BITS AND BOBS
Top Bayern Munich knack-quack Hans-Wilhelm Müller-Wohlfahrt and three members of his medical team have booked in for a stay at the Done One spa after claiming they were blamed by Pep Guardiola for the 3-1 Big Cup defeat at Porto. “When we lose it is my fault. Not someone from the board or the medical team. It is my fault and my fault only,” responded Pep, twiddling an olive branch.
Surprise! Jürgen Klopp is not going to Chelsea.
Vincent Kompany may be out for the rest of the season after aggravating a nasty case of muscle-ouch while unsuccessfully trying to recover from his ongoing form-knack in Manchester City’s derby shoeing.
Liverpool have opted to wag a finger at Jordon Ibe and Raheem Sterling for being so unprofessional as to drink Fanta and hold a shisha pipe on a night out in that there London.
Calf-ouch, ankle-knack, groin-gah and ankle-argh have done for Michael Carrick, Daley Blind, Marcos Rojo and Phil Jones’s chances of playing in Manchester United’s 1-1 draw with Chelsea on Saturday.
Research shows knuckleheads have sent just the 134,400 discriminatory posts the way of Premier League footballers this season, with Mario Balotelli receiving a depressing 8,000 alone. “This is a huge amount of awful abuse,” said Roisin Wood, Kick It Out’s chief executive. “We are inviting the relevant bodies and authorities to work together to find ways of addressing it.”
Newport County striker Chris Zebroski has been sent to the big house for four years after admitting charges of attempted robbery and assault in an incident involving a Swindon taxi driver.
And Blackpool fans have rallied around 67-year-old Frank Knight, who agreed to pay £20,000 in damages to millionaire owners Karl and Owen Oyston over allegations he made on Facebook. “Frank has followed Blackpool over 40 years and has apologised for his passionate online rant, witnessed by all 34 of his online friends on Facebook, and fully retracted his statements,” said the fellow supporters who have started a fundraising campaign for Knight.
STILL WANT MORE?
TV’s Max Rushden describes how he was brought to a shuddering halt by a grizzly defender going all Dr Pablo Alfaro on his tail. Oh, and about how playing amateur 11-a-side is great despite this.
Nick Ames and Paul Doyle do things differently. Which is why Burton Albion, Barnet and Hansel and Gretel pop up in this week’s left-field 10 things to look forward to blog.
Glenn Hoddle’s chip for Spurs against Watford in 1983 was so good it took Simon Burnton 1,765 words to describe it in this Golden Goal.
Gareth Bale is all trapped energy and half-glimpsed possibilities at Real Madrid. Come back, bawls political sketch-writer Barney Ronay.
Robin van Persie is playing second fiddle while Wayne Rooney is thrashing around like Jimmy Page on lead guitar at Manchester United. How did that happen? Amy Lawrence explains.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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DESERVES ALL THE HEAT IT GETS
