PROPER MAHRDY
To a list that already contains Unicef, doctors who act professionally by entering the field of play to treat a knacked player, the dog who ate the list that contained all his transfer targets, the media, parked buses, refereeing campaigns, rising house prices and processed meat, we must now add those dastardly Leicester City ballboys. The patented José Mourinho Excuse-o-meter™ has been spinning and whirring and spluttering again, though it’s beginning to show signs of wear and tear after years of overuse. “The ballboys were amazing,” Mourinho wibbled after Chelsea’s lame title defence unravelled even further against Leicester, before sticking a couple of pencils up his nostrils and putting a Donald Trump wig on his head. “But the ballboys point, I just say because I feel it is a disgrace for the Premier League, but please make it very clear that I don’t want the ballboys story to be in front of a result that Leicester deserve.” It was just a shame that he didn’t start banging on about “dark forces” who were out to “get” him for unspecified reasons.
He wasn’t far off, mind you, as he reacted to Chelsea’s defeat against Claudio Ranieri’s table-topping Leicester by suggesting that his players betrayed him. “I feel my work is betrayed,” Mourinho drawled. “I worked four days in training for this match. I identified four movements where Leicester score a lot of their goals and in two of the four situations I identified they scored their goals. I went through it all with the players, you can ask them.” He went on to suggest that his players can no longer call themselves superstars and must rank themselves alongside Sunderland and Watford now – Watford are seventh, 10 points above Chelsea, who are hovering just above the relegation zone after 16 matches – which is sure to go down well with a squad that’s famous for accepting criticism in good spirits.
If Mourinho is spoiling for a fight, his players might give him one judging by the way Eden Hazard dismissively gestured at his manager as the bruised Belgian, who has demonstrated his commitment to the cause by scoring precisely zero goals this season, trudged down the tunnel. “I don’t know what is wrong,” Mourinho said, inadvertently answering so many questions in one concise sentence. “The only thing I know is that within 10 seconds he made the decision himself.” Then there was the wheezing imposter who has been masquerading as Diego Costa all year, who had some serious front telling his defenders to wake up. It’s looking grim for Mourinho – and fans of a good narrative are already looking forward to Chelsea’s trip to Louis van Gaal’s freewheeling Manchester United on 28 December, a game that resembles a joust featuring two sad, limping, tired horses whose attempts to recapture past glories may well see them regain some pride by buckarooing their clownish knights off into a nearby dumpster.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“When we learned there was a new road that needed a name, it didn’t take long to decide on the perfect name” – Blackburn council regeneration boss Phil Riley disappoints as he unveils Alan Shearer Way and not, as The Fiver had hoped, Steve Agnew Avenue.
WIN! WIN! WIN!
We’ve a bumper (of sorts) crop of (home) Premier League tickets up for grabs, including Southampton v Arsenal, Tottenham v Norwich and Sunderland v Aston Villa.
FIVER LETTERS
“David Luiz giving tips on baldness (yesterday’s Quote of the Day)? That’s the equivalent of Jack Wilshere giving advice to professional footballers on how to stay knack-free, or The Fiver giving tips to budding comedians” – Ben Graham.
“I take from David Luiz that he knows Jack about baldness. The best indicator of whether you will be bald is whether your maternal grandfather is bald – not whether your dad is bald. Want some sources? Have some sources … one and two. In your face, David Luiz” – Pete Coles.
“I suspect the main obstacle to Neu! and the Wurzels collaborating would not be their differing musical outlooks, so much as the fact that Neu! co-founder Klaus Dinger died in 2008. After all, German experimental artists have a rich history of working with end-of-the-pier British hitmakers. Who, for example, can forget the memorable night in 1987 when Berlin-based pneumatic drill-wielders Einstürzende Neubauten were supported at the Kilburn National Ballroom by Leicester’s finest cod rockabilly enthusiasts, Showaddywaddy? This was a gig at which, NME’s Jack Barron reported, Showaddywaddy singer Dave Bartram made his bid for international relations by asking of the crowd: ‘We want four exhibitionists up here who know how to rock and roll. Not Krautrock though. It doesn’t matter if you’re a little weird or gay.’ On second thoughts, maybe the Wurzels and Neu! isn’t such a good idea” – Michael Hann, Big Paper/Website Music Ed.
“If we’re fondly remembering 2004 (yesterday’s Fiver) can we take a moment to remember this highlight of Ruud van Nistelrooy at his, ahem, best” – Adoni Patrikios.
“In reply to Matt Dony and his failure to receive a prize from Fiver Towers (yesterday’s Fiver letters), I’ve had mixed fortunes. Two years ago I won letter o’the day just as you’d run out of Football Manager copies to give away, but was sent Sid Lowe’s excellent Fear and Loathing in La Liga instead, signed by Sid, which I’ve since lent out and not seen. I’ve also been promised a copy of Six Stickers: a journey to complete an old sticker album, which never arrived for me to lend out and never see again. Never a risk of that with Football Manager: you never leave the house to meet people you might lend something to. A feeling I’m sure Fiver Towers is familiar with” – Ferg Slade.
“Given that you are giving away copies of Football Manager 2016, can you pretend I wrote something so intelligent and funny that it was worth of prize and send me a copy of FM2016? It’s the best chance Arsenal have to knock Barcelona out of Big Cup. Thank you!” – Admir Pajic.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Ferg Slade, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2016, courtesy of the very kind people at Football Manager Towers. We’ve got plenty more copies to give away, so if you haven’t been lucky thus far, keep trying.
RECOMMENDED, ER, LOOKING
It’s our bumper Gallery of 2015, in which readers with far too much time on their hands review the football year, including Kloppwerk, Big Mama’s House and D1ck Avocado.
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BITS AND BOBS
Swansea City could be about to get 186% more interesting if Huw Jenkins’s chinwag with Marcelo Bielsa results in the Argentinian getting the Liberty Stadium gig.
Gary Neville has bust out the iPads in a bid to turn Valencia’s form around. “He has given an iPad to each player to help them follow training and different actions during games,” parped assistant coach Miguel Angel Angulo. “It won’t take long before we can demonstrate the style of football that we want.”
Norwich are investigating video footage that appears to show goalkeeper John Ruddy involved in an alleged bit of biff outside a trendy Norfolk nightspot.
Sunderland’s Big Cup push will begin in earnest in the new year if Sam Allardyce’s therapeutic package holiday does the trick. “More and more figures prove that winter breaks work,” said Big Sam, looking for his Ambre Solaire. “My previous teams have had breaks in Dubai for five or six days in February. The stats tell you that, over 14 years, Bolton, [Blackeye Rovers] and West Ham have improved their physical output.”
Liverpool are set to extend Simon Mignolet’s contract despite him having done a good impression of a seal trying to catch the rain in recent weeks.
And Lazio may be without goalkeeper Federico Marchetti for a few weeks after he celebrated Alessandro Matri’s goal so hard he suffered thigh-knack that led to him being replaced by Etrit Berisha, whose blunder denied the team a valuable win against Sampdoria.
STILL WANT MORE?
Wes Morgan’s remarkable transformation embodies the miracle of Leicester City, writes Jonathan Wilson.
Meanwhile, Stuart James reckons the Foxes’ c0ckle-warming win was made all the more special because of what it will have meant to Cuddly Claudio to get one over José.
Meet Punjabi Wolves, the fans’ group bringing culture and noise to Molineux.
Today’s Rumour Mill is pining for the good old days when Blackeye Rovers’ Nathan Blake was being chased by Coventry and Crystal Palace.
How Quique Sánchez Flores guided Watford up the Premier League table.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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