OH, $TEVIE!
On Thursday night, Aston Villa solemnly marched Steven Gerrard through a hastily-assembled door marked Do One outside Craven Cottage. It was a bittersweet moment for The Fiver – on one hand, Villa getting it done on Thursday has vastly improved our prospects of being in the pub by lunchtime. On the other, this is – believe it or not – supposed to be a light-hearted email, cracking wise at football’s foibles. But at the end of the day, a man’s lost his job. What’s funny about that?
Is it funny that $tevie Mbe gave up the sweetest of gigs at Rangers with a potential fast-track ticket back to Anfield? Or that after spending around £80m on new players and serving up some of the most unpalatable meat-and-potatoes football in recent memory, he led Villa from 16th place to 17th, with a lower win percentage than Tactics Tim? Or that 11 months after vowing not to treat former Big Cup champions as a “stepping stone” to Liverpool, he has lived up to his word in spectacular fashion? Actually, when you put it like that, it is quite funny, isn’t it?
The cherry atop this giant, wobbling comedy trifle was added when Tyrone Mings, singled out and stripped of the captaincy by Gerrard, leathered his attempted clearance into the net for Fulham’s third goal. “I’m a fighter, I will never, ever quit anything whether it’s football or in life. I’ll continue to fight unless I’m told differently,” Gerrard intoned after the final whistle, roughly 1,057 seconds before Villa’s top brass told him differently.
Villa have put first-team coach Aaron Danks in charge for Sunday’s 0-0 draw with Brentford, and despite the potential for “Danks, but no Danks” headlines, we hope Villa give him time. Fellow midlands muddlers Wolves have decided to stick with interim manager Steve Davis, while Gary O’Neil has impressed as caretaker at Bournemouth. As for Villa, Mauricio Pochettino isn’t keen, with Sporting’s Rúben Amorim the early bookies’ favourite. Who else is there? Dean Smith returning from his Trussian exile in Norfolk? POJT? Kwasi Kwarteng?
Whoever comes next, the Villa role looks more and more like a stepping stone to oblivion, only marginally more desirable than the spinning hot seat at No 10. We can only hope that the ongoing chaos in Westminster teaches us all a lesson, to look past the star names and get someone in who knows what they’re doing. What we’re saying is, give Sean Dyche six months to get things back on track – and after the general election, he can take the Villa job.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I had to move schools because of racism. Growing up, being the odd one out and you just want to blend in, I think you can underestimate how much that affects you as a person” – In the latest WSL Player in Focus interview, Victoria Williams talks to Ella Braidwood about her long road to “feeling valued” at Brighton.
FIVER LETTERS
“Adrian Armstrong presented some Damned United (Kingdom) metaphors [Thursday’s Fiver]. Liz Truss’s Clough-esque spell in charge tells us one thing: you can take the girl out of Leeds, but you can’t take Leeds out of the girl” – Allastair McGillivray.
“So Ben Mostyn won the prizeless letter o’the day without actually submitting a letter. Is The Fiver trying to outdo the incompetence of Liz Truss? Even you have a long way to go” – John Stainton (and 1,056 others).
“As a long-time reader of The Fiver, I can say that Thursday’s group of reader letters is unquestionably the weirdest I’ve ever read” – Matt Shinkman.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Ben Mostyn Allastair McGillivray. And, er, a belated congrats to Patrick O’Brien for winning Thursday’s reallocated award.
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