Steve Bell's Labour party conference diary: part II

Monday morning and the chancellor of the exchequer, Alistair Darling, holds the conference in thrall with a soothingly dull speech. He is a rabble drowser of some considerable talent, like a refreshing draught of Mogadon Photograph: Copyright © Steve Bell 2008

At lunchtime the Guardian fringe is unusually devoted to a debate over who is the greatest Labour party hero from a shortlist of four: Keir Hardie, Clement Attlee, Nye Bevan and Barbara Castle. It is a good-natured affair and the audience are as appreciative as they are visually arresting Photograph: Copyright © Steve Bell 2008

The proposers are Professor Kenneth O Morgan (not pictured) for Keir Hardie, David Blunkett for Clement Attlee, Fiona Mactaggart for Barbara Castle and Ed Balls for Nye Bevan. Blunkett is looking in the pink, Mactaggart is bullish and Balls is ballsy. Morgan and Hardie win by a mile Photograph: Copyright © Steve Bell 2008

In the afternoon session, the foreign secretary, David Miliband, makes a not very good speech. He has massive hands with which he continually makes ill-coordinated gestures to incorrectly punctuate his oration. His facial expressions are edging towards madness Photograph: Copyright © Steve Bell 2008

I realise something important about David Miliband that I have so far failed to grasp. It is simply that that it is impossible to exaggerate his features. So when I make his cheekbones wide apart, I have to make them even wider. Similarly with his huge ears, whirling eyeballs and rigid hair Photograph: Copyright © Steve Bell 2008

His hair is worth a paragraph on its own. It is stiff, furry, slightly spiky, apparently stuck on with glue and probably velvety to the touch. He seems blissfully unconcerned by these image questions, and is even quite happy to pose for a photographer clutching a banana (“It’s my lunch!” quips Mickey the Monkey) Photograph: Copyright © Steve Bell 2008

Tuesday dawns, the day of Gordon’s make-or-break speech. The cabinet minister for the communities and local government, Hazel Blears, reputed to be at the heart of the plots against Gordon, is particularly bouncy. She is dwarfed by the ice cream cone-like podium, which is hydraulically lowered to its minimum setting to accommodate her Photograph: Copyright © Steve Bell 2008

A number of ordinary folk representing community groups that have benefited from various government schemes and initiatives come on stage to be patronised in person by this diminutive beacon of self-satisfaction. A particularly large lady says - not entirely without irony - that it is an honour to be sitting next to Hazel, despite her being “so petite”. Everyone is greatly amused Photograph: Copyright © Steve Bell 2008

Early afternoon and in the build-up to the speech I am standing among a huge crowd of photographers as we are shepherded behind the so-called white line of death on the floor, which we cross at our peril. Everyone, including the stewards, is completely taken aback as Sarah Brown wanders onstage unannounced to introduce a video extolling her husband’s achievements. It is disturbing to see her apparently applauding her spouse’s image on the screen Photograph: Copyright © Steve Bell 2008

On comes Gordon Brown looking thoroughly unremarkable in his usual dark suit and purple tie. He launches into his annual hour-long dirge of Brownisms such as “A fair Britain for the new age” and “I am serious about doing a serious job” Photograph: Copyright © Steve Bell 2008

This year he has been taking tips from David Miliband’s hairstylist and his hair looks like it has been rubberised and nailed on Photograph: Copyright © Steve Bell 2008

His suit jacket and shirt seem particularly stiff, moving independently of his arms and legs, which somehow seem shorter than usual. His hand movements are as choppy and emphatic as ever, and the speech miraculously improves as it goes on. He even manages to find the conference's G-spot as he lays into those young upstarts - Tory and otherwise - who would oppose him and risk exacerbating the global catastrophe Photograph: Copyright © Steve Bell 2008

I worry about Gordon. He has been inept and useless for a whole year now, but there is no politician in the country who can out-substance him. Substance is what Gordon Brown does, just as sincerity is what Tony Blair did. Gordon will never fall over in a hurricane. Yet his face betrays him. It looks terrible and the bags under his eyes have developed bags of their own, which only serve to contradict the rictus of his grin. Perhaps he can weather this, but I’m starting to have my doubts Photograph: Copyright © Steve Bell 2008