Stephen Colbert
“You know who I thought I would never be talking about again?” Stephen Colbert asked on Monday night’s Late Show. That would be Justice Brett Kavanaugh, who joined the supreme court nearly a year ago after a contentious confirmation process in which Dr Christine Blasey Ford told her story of sexual assault by Kavanaugh in high school.
Kavanaugh denied her account, and was narrowly confirmed. “Specifically, I didn’t think I’d ever be talking about his penis again,” said Colbert. But a new book published this week by the New York Times reporters Robin Pogrebin and Kate Kelly unearthed new allegations of sexual misconduct by Kavanaugh: one of his former Yale classmates, Max Stier, told the FBI he recalled seeing Kavanaugh forcing his penis, with the help of his friends, into another female student’s hand during a dorm party in college.
“With the help of his friends?” Colbert said incredulously. “I can’t even get mine to help me move. I offer penis –” Colbert cut off, doubling over in laughter.
Several seconds, a musical interlude and one glasses removal later, Colbert attempted to finish the joke: “I offer pizza with no penis, I promise you.”
The woman involved in this latest revelation has remained private, saying she has no recollection of the incident and does not want to be interviewed.
Meanwhile, Donald Trump has predictably defended Kavanaugh online, tweeting over the weekend that Kavanaugh should sue for libel and the justice department “should come to his rescue”.
“How does the justice department come to his rescue?” Colbert wondered. “Is William Barr supposed to write a misleading four-page summary of his junk?”
Trevor Noah
On The Daily Show, Trevor Noah also reacted to new details of alleged misconduct by Kavanaugh.
“Every high school story, or every college story we hear about Brett Kavanaugh, just makes him seem worse and worse,” Noah said. “And it’s always something about him exposing himself.”
Brett Kavanaugh, the only Supreme Court justice sponsored by Bud Light, faces another wave of sexual misconduct allegations. pic.twitter.com/4KzupBGYig
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) September 17, 2019
For example, last year, Kavanaugh’s former Yale classmate Deborah Ramirez publicly recalled how, she said, Kavanaugh once thrust his penis in her face at a party. According to Pogrebin and Kelly’s book, Ramirez’s legal team gave the FBI a list of at least 25 people who may have had corroborating evidence, but the FBI did not interview any of them.
“The FBI ignored 25 former Yale students who could’ve given evidence? That’s insane, because I didn’t know the police also ignored white people,” Noah panned. “That’s some crazy shit.”
Which brought Noah to an important question: “Why the hell was Kavanaugh constantly whipping his dick out at parties?”
“I’m starting to wonder if Kavanaugh even understands what parties are,” Noah joked.
As is custom now, the news triggered typically partisan responses: some Democratic candidates called for his impeachment, while the president tweeted in defense of Kavanaugh.
Trump’s justice department line amused Noah. “I feel like Trump doesn’t really understand how the government works,” he said. “He acts like the justice department is his own personal emergency line.”
Seth Meyers
On Late Night, Seth Meyers recapped the latest entries into what he called the administration’s “war on truth”, starting with a seemingly innocuous story about the vice-president, Mike Pence, getting bitten by a horse.
At a recent speaking event, Pence said that American Pharoah, the Triple Crown-winning thoroughbred, once nipped his arm during a campaign stop.
“This story got laughs – that should’ve been the end of it,” Meyers said. However, this administration has taught us that “nothing – not even the smallest, most inconsequential equine details can be trusted, because now even the story about being bitten by the horse is being questioned by the horse’s manager”.
American Pharoah’s manager disputed the story – he had never heard of the incident, he said, calling the bite out of character for such a “sweet” horse.
“So, who are you going to believe? The vice-president or a horse manager?” Meyers asked. “Seriously, I am asking.”
Meanwhile, in global news, Trump confused world leaders over the weekend by disputing previous, on-the-record statements that he would meet leaders of Iran with “no preconditions”.
The reversal in openness to Iran, probably has something to do with Saudi Arabia, Iran’s rival. The country’s leader, Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman, is a Trump ally, “so last night, Trump threatened an illegal and unconstitutional war with Iran on – where else? – Twitter,” Meyers said.
The whole episode was insane, a chagrined Meyers said. “The president of the United States – the guy who spent the entire campaign falsely claiming he wanted to stay out of the United States and would put ‘America first’ – just threatened a war with Iran on Twitter and said he was waiting for Saudi Arabia to tell him what to do.”
“I never thought I’d say this,” he concluded, “but somebody needs to let American Pharoah loose in the Oval Office.”
