Stephen Colbert
As of Wednesday, the United States, with only 4% of the world’s population, had the most diagnosed cases of coronavirus in the world and the highest number of fatalities, a resigned Stephen Colbert explained on the Late Show. Nevertheless, Donald Trump “sees the sunny side of his abject failure”, telling reporters earlier this week that he saw the number of cases as “a badge of honor”.
“I believe that badge is called the ‘Purple Heartless’,” Colbert added.
Meanwhile, reports have tracked the conflict brewing between the Trump administration and the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), an agency usually known as a beacon for public health. “You know, a pandemic is not the best time to be feuding with that particular agency,” said Colbert. “You never saw FDR pick a fight with the Center for Defeating Nazis.”
CDC officials have claimed that they’ve been “muzzled” by the administration, particularly over its guidelines for how to reopen safely, which the administration ignored because they were “overly specific”. Based on those original guidelines, none of the places reopening currently qualify.
“So instead, this week, the CDC released watered-down criteria, because if you can’t meet the safety guidelines, just change them!” said Colbert. “Same way a sign that says ‘Danger! Electricity, do not enter,’ is a buzzkill, so you change it to ‘Danger! Electricity, but maybe you’ll get superpowers, get in here you wuss!’”
Colbert cited some examples of how the administration weakened the CDC’s original guidelines: “ensure social distancing” became “promote social distancing”, and the phrase “if possible” was added to several sentences. “And of course, the title is now ‘CDC guidelines for you to follow … or not. Whatevs.’”
Trevor Noah
There's two sure-fire ways to piss off Donald Trump: show him that shirtless photo of Obama, and give people access to mail-in votes. pic.twitter.com/KsVae6zZrI
— The Daily Show (@TheDailyShow) May 21, 2020
On the Daily Show, Trevor Noah investigated another Trump Twitter freakout, this time over mail-in voting applications in Nevada and Michigan. On Wednesday, Trump threatened to withhold federal funding for mail-in voting in those states, inaccurately and misleadingly citing “voter fraud”.
“Phew, there are two surefire ways to piss Donald Trump off: showing him that shirtless photo of Obama, and giving people access to mail-in votes,” said Noah. “I guess in Trump’s mind, voting should be like your wife smiling at you – once a year, in public, and never at home.”
To be clear, Michigan is not “sending out ballots”, as Trump claimed; it’s sending out mail-in ballot applications, as are several other Republican-leaning states. “So clearly, Trump is just looking for an excuse to avoid losing,” Noah said.
And as the election gets closer, “Trump is just gonna get crazier,” Noah continued. “He’s going to start sounding like one of those second-graders playing sports – ‘The results from Wisconsin don’t count – I didn’t say I was ready!’”
Jimmy Kimmel
“We are in week nine … thousand? of stay-at-home,” said Jimmy Kimmel, and “people are getting restless, people are craving other human beings.” Still, that didn’t lessen the annoyance of what Kimmel declared the “cardinal sin of quarantine”: the random, unannounced neighborly drop-by that you can’t escape, since it’s not like you’re out on the town. “Those need to stop,” said Kimmel. “And while we’re at it, family zoom calls? Let’s max those out at 12 minutes.”
In other news, Kimmel continued to follow the unspooling “hydroxy horror picture show” in which Trump claimed to be taking hydroxychloroquine, an anti-malarial drug, for coronavirus (this is an unproven treatment with potentially lethal side-effects). This has reportedly, according to Kimmel, led some Trump followers to attempt making the drug at home, which “to me, is good old-fashioned American initiative”, he said. “Boil up some homemade hydroxy, what could possibly go wrong?
“Here’s the thing, if you’re dumb enough to think it’s a good idea to make your own hydroxychloroquine at home, you’re probably not smart enough to make your own hydroxychloroquine at home,” Kimmel continued. “Most people can’t even make a lemon meringue pie.”
