Step into your alter ego with this season’s trends...…

Step into your alter ego with this season’s trends... THE OFFICE ECCENTRIC

THE YUMMY MONIED MUMMY

Darling! Back from school already? Mummy’s had a shocker, she went to that gruesome GP. It’s harder to get a slot there than my Hermès one-to-ones. Then the bastard laughed at my kaftan! I’m worried about my body temp, see. Teaches me to fly Mustique to Meribel! Don’t get me started on the packing. Cheer me up. Come to Julien MacDonald’s show on Sunday. Everyone’s taking their kids. Engulfing shades, outrageous clutch — you can borrow my Fendi. Pickle, please? He is your bloody godfather.

1. PATEK PHILIPPE

(KOIBIRD TALLER MARMO MRS. ROSS MINI MOIREE KAFTAN CHOCOLATE.jpg)

2. TALLER MARMO

3. FENDI

(KURT GEIGER PIERRA PLATFORM ORANGE FLORAL, £169, KURT GEIGER LONDON.jpg)

4. KURT GEIGER LONDON

5. CARTIER

6. CELINE BY HEDI SLIMANE

7. GIORGIO ARMANI

(Browns Amina Muaddi Brown Rosie 95 Leopard Print Mules £840.jpg)

8. AMINA MUADDI

(Browns Vanina Gold-Tone Sable Mouvant Clutch £283.jpg)

9. VANINA

(1506359 Johanna Ortiz at MATCHESFASHION £415)

10. JOHANNA ORTIZ

11. BRUNELLO CUCCINELLI

THE NOT SO PERFECT ANGEL

Gweate choobes! Pardon, babe? Oh, you’ve got new filler. Let me do the talking. Like my wedges? Danke, chica — aren’t they very slutty! Café time? The cutest independent’s just round the corner. It’s actually called Fuckoffee. Y2Koconut lattes! And straws, please. You know, teeth whitening time of the month. Haven’t washed my denim in weeks though, I really love it grungy. Battered biker, mum’s old bag — but I did splash on the Swarovski. Honestly, wouldn’t you die for it?

1. TOMMY JEANS

2. SWAROVSKI

3. ACNE STUDIOS

(Prada Moon bag SS23_1BA381-2DYI-F0458-V-OOM_SLF_UC2317292.png)

4. PRADA

5. JEAN PAUL GAULTIER

6. RUSSELL & BROMLEY

7. UNDERGROUND

(2.1 Demi Bag CE736_B4V2U_SIGNATURE JACQUARD DEMI BAG-RGB-HR300.jpg)

8. COACH

9. EYTYS

10. BLUMARINE

THE FRAZZLED ENGLISH WOMAN

Come on Smudgy, walk time. Christ, it’s flipping freezing. If you just stopped wriggling I could get your little coat on. Where’s my stupid scarf gone? I’d better put on two. Stripy, itchy. Time to squeeze another cardi. Okay! Wait, where are my poo bags? Stuffed in an ancient leather satchel. Trapped in beaten Barbours. No, in these jeans. Jesus, woman, breathe — lead on, door locked. Fabulous! The birds have mucked all over the Peugeot. I had that washed on Wednesday.

1. BODE

2. TUDOR

3. PER UNA

4. GEOX

(SELFRIDGES ISABEL MARANT Dahope suede cowboy boots £650.jpg)

5. ISABEL MARANT

6. IKKS

(MAX MARA 1366092306010-w-colonia_thumbnail.jpg)

7. MAX MARA

8. BEYOND RETRO

9. CHURCH’S

(dior M0540ODPSM49E_E03.High_Resolution.jpg)

10. DIOR

13. LOEWE

THE EAST 17 SPRINGSTEEN

Great jam, mate. I’ve actually got to dip, though. Got a date. Ha, alright yeah, lay off. I got the jeans for Christmas. No they’re not my Boy Scout patches. Bro, they’re Ralph Lauren. And these aren’t mules, they’re loafers — by a cool designer. She’s called, like, Martine Rose, I think. Not sure though, from my sister. Tartan shirt, grubby T — oh it’s dark already. I’ll Uber to Shoreditch House. Ha, I know. You just know it’s going to be nice, though. D’you know what I mean, mate?