There is no way it can disappoint, says Luke Holland
July 16, 1999. It’s finally here. A frisson of hushed anticipation hangs in the cinema. The sparkly “Lucasfilm” logo. That music. The epic, declarative opening text crawl. Holy shit, it’s Star Wars! Yes! It actually is! Hang on... taxation of trade routes? What? “Debates”? Huh. Jedi are pretty boring actually, aren’t they? Do-gooding galactic prefect dullards. Is this Jar Jar Binks jebend going to be in the whole film? Did Darth Vader just say “Woohoo!”? The Force is actually a load of tiny blobs called “midi-chloreans”? No. No, this is all wrong. This won’t do at all.
That disappointment, that betrayal, we all remember. We were there. And do you know who else was there? Who else pined to see Jar Jar’s stupid CGI face punched right out through the back of his head? JJ Abrams. He was there. He’s one of us. Only, instead of bitching about the prequels on Reddit under a misogynistic pseudonym, the renowned superfan spent all the time between then and now getting himself into a position where he could actually do something about them. That’s an alarming level of commitment.
As a toy-owning, Chewie-loving fanboy, JJ knows what made the original trilogy so magical. More so, as a film-maker, he knows what made the prequels exactly as enjoyable as soiling yourself at your own wedding. He hasn’t put a foot wrong so far, either – original cast: in. The old ships: in. A robot that’s basically a whizzy little ball: in. No Jar Jar. And, instead of eminent tree stump-impersonator Hayden Christensen, we have John Boyega, who, revolutionarily, can act. The co-writer of The Empire Strikes Back is involved. John Williams is doing the music. Make no mistake: these are all the components that will make up a great Star Wars film. The whole doesn’t even have to be greater than the sum of its parts. If The Force Awakens just is the sum of its parts, we stand to get the very thing we’ve been waiting for 32 years. Don’t worry, everyone. The Force is strong with this one. WWRROOWW! (Chewie noise).
There is still a chance it could all go horribly wrong, says Joel Golby
Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens can only disappoint, and here’s why: George Lucas, with his little beard-that-ends-at-his-neck, has taken a back seat, handing over to JJ Abrams, with his I-enjoy-podcasts designer glasses and his competent directorial CV. This can only fail. The pure element of chaos that Lucas brings to proceedings is gone.
It’s hard to narrow down the dirt-worst line of Star Wars dialogue ever, but it’s almost certainly something Anakin said, like: “I wish that I could just… wish away my feelings!” or on learning Padme died in childbirth because he was too mad about losing a fight: “Nooooooooo!” That’s what Lucas brings to the table. Lucas looks at the most irritating lizard invented and goes: ‘Yeah, good.’ Lucas, twiddling a pen in a meeting, going: “What should we call baby Jedis? Jedinis? Jedi-ettes? Oh, got it: younglings.” Lucas thinks it’s OK to start a triple trilogy on the fifth movie. His mind works along a different axis to everyone else’s on Earth. That’s what makes Star Wars so fun to watch.
Will anyone wrestle a snake in a trash compactor in Episode VII? No. Will Qui-Gonn Jinn gamble an Empress’s spaceship on the outcome of a nine-year-old’s first pod race? Also, no. One of the most threatening bad guys in the previous Star Wars canon was Jabba the Hutt, an immovable, asthmatic slug. Nothing about that makes sense! I guarantee you every single one of the bad guys in the new movie will have at least two arms, and definitely legs. I don’t want to see that.
Appalling dialogue and disordering storyline subplots are what keeps the high space opera of Star Wars rooted in our real world. If the film is good then it’s not really a Star Wars film, is it? It’s just a glossy box-office hit and those are 10 a penny. Take your well-rounded storylines and twisting character arcs, and throw them in the bin. I’ll take a montage of Luke training with Yoda on his shoulders like a wise little backpack over all that.
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Star Wars: The Force Awakens is out in cinemas on 17 December
