I don’t remember asking Stanley to live with us, but Bozzie says I did so it must be super! I’m in the bath when he bursts in to say David Attenborough is quoting me on waste! Where? “In the Guardian, but only online, Carrie, I swear – ”
Me: “Get out – leave your glasses.”
Smash them to pieces with my hair straighteners. That will teach him.
Outside, Stanley’s still talking: “Cheer up, old thing, you know the Johnson maxim, any port in a storm, no not in that way, no I haven’t heard from my son the PM – those palace audiences do run on and it won’t have escaped my son the PM that HM is still an extremely attractive woman.”
Me: “Ugh! She must be practically twice his age!”
Stanley: “Word to the wise, dear girl, when my son the PM’s previous wives became emotional, Antiques Roadshow was a tremendous boon. Now if it’s no trouble I usually have a biscuit around this – ”
Me: “Did the Guardian mention my sustainable headband?”
Typical. The shits. So typical of lefties to ignore a fantastic conservation win. When will people realise that every headband leaves three quarters of a hat still in the ground?
Smash another cup.
Uh-oh. Dom’s door opens, Laura Kuenssberg (quite old) runs out.
Dom: “Did I say you could fucking leave?”
To me: “Can’t you fucking read?”
He’s done a new sign. “SILENCE – unattributable No 10 briefing in fucking progress.”
Dom: How fucking old are you?
Me: Actually I’m 31 and a half and when I tell Bozzie –
Dom: Let me help you out there, he’ll find someone who’s 29. Now fuck off, Stanley needs his carer.
As told to Catherine Bennett
