SARRI STATE OF AFFAIRS
The Fiver didn’t get where it is today without toeing the company line. If The Man says “jump”, we ask how high. If The Man says “thump”, we ask how hard. And if The Man says “scrump”, we’ll make for the nearest orchard and steal every apple in sight. If attempting to ingratiate yourself with the boss through general obsequiousness, kow-towing and forelock-tugging were Olympic sports, The Fiver would be a fixture on the top step of the podium dedicating our victory to the gaffer. It seems that Kepa Arrizabalaga isn’t cut from quite the same cloth and when the Chelsea goalkeeper was substituted by Maurizio Sarri shortly before the end of Sunday’s Worthington Cup final, he brazenly refused to leave the field. As his manager Maurizio Sarri ranted, raved, kicked water bottles, gesticulated wildly and briefly threatened to storm out of the arena in a volcanic funk, Kepa stood his ground in a scarcely credible act of insubordination that would earn most workplace drones the sack for gross misconduct.
Sadly for Sarri, however, Kepa isn’t just any old workplace drone, but one who happens to be the most expensive in his particular position, despite his passable impersonation of a hologram of himself as Sergio Agüero took one of the penalties that would eventually win Manchester City the cup. Eager to play down their player’s appalling behaviour and convey the impression their manager hadn’t just suffered a very public humiliation, the Stamford Bridge branch of the politburo went into overdrive and the version of events spun to hacks in the immediate aftermath of the game bore little relationship to the events they had just seen unfold.
“It was misunderstood,” said Kepa. “In no moment was it my intention to disobey or anything like that with the boss. He thought I couldn’t continue, and – fundamentally – I was trying to say that physically I was fine.” Fundamentally as anything, by shouting “No!” repeatedly, waving dismissively and leaving his fellow goalkeeper Willy Cabellero hanging conspicuously by the sideline like a giant fluorescent lime. “It was a big misunderstanding because I understood the keeper had cramp and was unable to go to penalties but it was not cramp and he could go to the penalties,” said Sarri, whose story didn’t stand up to the mildest scrutiny of anyone present and in possession of eyes.
Having been so publicly undermined by one of his troops, commanding officer Sarri would be well within his rights to demand the soldier in question be given a dishonourable discharge by Chelsea’s top brass. With the chances of that being precisely zero, it is instead the Italian who is likely to be handed his papers, among them one marked “Do One” before too long. He may have lost his dignity, but his legacy of smoking fags, shouting a lot and being ridiculously stubborn will always endure.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I’ve never come across the situation I’ve got at the moment. We’re having physios and medical people from abroad telling us what we can do with him when he is our player. He obviously listens to his physios, his medical people and Tom, Dick and Harry from abroad” – Neil “To hell with the EU” Warnock isn’t a fan of Victor Camarasa’s foreign medical bods, even if they have very British names.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
The latest edition of Football Weekly will be somewhere around here.
FIVER LETTERS
“Reading the Fiver missive of 25 January, I caught the Sarri quote about Chelsea rediscovering their mojo after their Fizzy Cup win over Spurs – “the players had stopped having fun on the pitch” honked he and The Fiver simultaneously. Surely Kepa can’t be lambasted for taking his words to heart on Sunday?” – Gerry Rickard.
“It’s good to see that Kepa has already mastered the art of the celebrity non-apology, apology with his “I regret the way the end of the match has been portrayed“. It seems that Elton John and Bernie Taupin were right in 1976 on their classic album Blue Moves and Sarri Seems to be the Hardest Word” – Noble Francis.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our letter o’the day is … Gerry Rickard, who wins Ian Plenderleith’s The Quiet Fan. Plenty more prizes to come.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Remarkably, Steven Gerrard asking them nicely to knock it on the head didn’t prevent some Steven Gerrard’s Pope’s O’Rangers fans expressing centuries-old sectarian prejudices, as they once more gave Steve Clarke both barrels during the 5-0 win over Hamilton at the weekend.
Another piece of heartening news: Kosovo’s games in the upcoming Under-17 European Championships have been moved from Spain to the suitably neutral Switzerland, on the basis that the Spanish government doesn’t recognise “the national symbols [flag and anthem] of Kosovo.”
Manuel Pellegrini has bought five jumbo rolls of bubble wrap off Amazon and will use them to keep Manuel Lanzini safe from harm. “We must be careful with him,” sssshhhhhed Pellegrini, about the forward who is just returning from cruciate ligament knack.
Mike Dean has been redirected from fourth official duties for Tottenham’s game against Chelsea on Wednesday in a bid to prevent Spurs manager Mauricio Pochettino getting fresh and funky with him again.
Having booked into the Do One health spa for an unspecified spell, former Leicester City manager Claude Puel resisted the urge to say “Goodbye Puel world” in his farewell statement and said, instead, it had been an honour.
And in yet another example of the lefty liberal loony pinko lefty anti-Brexit lefty media conspiracy, the BBC has announced it will be showing England Women’s SheBelieves Cup games, which starts in the USA! USA!! USA!!! on Wednesday.
STILL WANT MORE?
Enliven your dull as dishwater life by getting in touch with your inner neutral, whoops Scott Murray.
You want 10 talking points on the weekend games? You’ve got 10 talking points on the weekend games.
Liverpool’s front three are misfiring like Weird Uncle Fiver’s MK1 Ford Escort – and it means the title-race momentum is now with Manchester City, writes floating football brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson.
Dortmund hopped into their DeLorean and went back to the future against Leverkusen to end their winless streak, writes Marty McFlyAndy Brassell.
Richard Williams is not very impressed with Kepa.
But Sid Lowe is quite impressed by Getafe’s arrival in La Liga’s top four.
Inter and Fiorentina played a little but watched a lot of VAR in their frantic 3-3 draw, yelps Paolo Bandini.
There’s a lovely picture of a train going over a viaduct embedded in this piece by Sachin Nakrani on how plans are finally in motion to stop fans being left out of pocket when their rail travel is hit by TV scheduling.
And Kepa Arrizabalaga’s mutiny was emblematic of Maurizio Sarri’s sinking ship, writes Barney Ronay.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
