WE SHOULD PROBABLY HAVE MENTIONED THE QUEEN’S CELTIC DRAWING ASTANA, COME TO THINK ABOUT IT, BUT WE DIDN’T
The benefits of winning away at Burnley, or at home against Crystal Palace, or not letting in three goals against Swansea City were writ large today, as Liverpool were handed a tricky draw in the 893rd and final qualifying round for Big Cup. Jürgen Klopp’s side, who would have gained automatic qualification to the group stage had they won at Hull last season, or managed to hold on to a 3-1 lead with 14 minutes to play against a club which nearly got relegated from the Football League only seven years earlier, will face Hoffenheim. Actually, putting in a shift at struggling Leicester, or scoring a couple against Southampton here and there could have avoided all this nonsense as well.
Turn- und Sportgemeinschaft 1899 Hoffenheim e.V. are not a big name, granted, having won the grand total of zero major trophies since their formation 118 years ago. But they were fourth best in the Bundesliga last season, which means they’re in much better nick than more successful institutions such as Hamburg, Borussia Mönchengladbach, Schalke, Werder Bremen, Eintracht Frankfurt, Eintracht Braunschweig, Rot-Weiss Essen and SpVgg Greuther Fürth. Kerem Dermirbay is a creative and dangerous playmaker, Andrej Kramaric knows where the net is, and only Bayern Munich conceded fewer goals in Germany last season. That’s bad news for Liverpool, who upon being faced with a team happy to sit back and soak up pressure, tend to grind to a halt and stand around frowning and patting the top of their heads with the flat of their palms quite a lot.
Klopp has developed a useful habit of annoying his fellow countrymen since arriving at Liverpool, having put Augsburg and former club Borussia Dortmund to the sword in Big Vase last year, and embarrassed a Bayern Munich side who weren’t really trying very hard in a pre-season friendly earlier this week. But all good runs come to an end at some point. Should the worst happen against Hoffenheim, it’ll be a Thursday-night Big Vase campaign for Liverpool, and a serious downer on their season with it barely begun. Then again, that would open up the possibility further down the line of a continental showdown with Everton, who drew Hajduk Split in the Big Vase play-offs today. A long way to go before that could happen, of course, but your neutral Tranmere-favouring Fiver isn’t making any social commitments next March, just in case.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“A lot of people criticise Ligue 1, and I’ve spoken about it with lots of players who play in Ligue 1, and there’s never an easy game here” – perhaps Neymar should have had a chinwag with his new team-mates.
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FIVER LETTERS
“May I be one of 1,056 others to suggest that if Neymar really wants ‘a bigger challenge’ then he should look past the money bags thrown around by the OPEC clubs and join a lovable loser well outside the European elite like Sunderland, Hull or Arsenal” – Chris Walker.
“It’s interesting that Arsène Wenger spoke about Neymar’s £198m transfer to PSG. Arsenal spent about that much over the previous three seasons and look where that got the Gunners: hello, Big Vase” – JJ Zucal.
“It’s a lot of money for Barcelona’s third best striker” – Alan Butterfield.
“If Rick Webster is drinking Barium solution, there are one of two conclusions to be made. He either has the makings of a malpractice suit against his local doctor or, his mouth’s where his @rse should be. As he’s a Fiver reader, well, I suppose the answer is obvious” – Hubert O’Hearn.
“I was having a read of the economic data on the Guardian this morning and whose name do I see? Well it’s only our friend Noble Francis (see 9:53am update). Does Mr. Francis have a deal whereby he must be published somewhere by the Guardian on a daily basis? Perhaps other readers would be interested in a game of Noblewatch? Where will he pop up next?” – Derek Russell.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless star chemistry letter o’the day is … Hubert O’Hearn.
BITS AND BOBS
Players’ association Fifpro are up in arms about the Neymar hoopla, and have asked the European Commission to take a look-see at the deal. “The world-record transfer of the Brazilian Neymar from Barcelona to Paris St Germain is the latest example of how football is ever more the domain of a select group of rich, mostly European-based clubs,” they parped, before clearing their throats and belting out a hearty version of The Red Flag.
Mark Sampson is going home to have a good think about what he’s done/reacquaint himself with his family after England were hoyed out of Euro 2017 by the crazy Dutch. “I’ll go away and reflect on what I’ve done in the last 12 months to support them,” Sampson sad-tromboned, “and try and find some solutions to support them even better, because they deserve that.”
It used to be that being sent out on loan by Mauricio Pochettino was the Tottenham equivalent of a one-way ticket to Siberia, but Josh Onomah had better hope that has changed because Aston Villa have just borrowed him.
Robbie Keane has joined the 12th team he always dreamed of playing for as a boy, Atletico de Kolkata. “His enthralling skills with the ball and willingness to take on the opposition without inhibition is an asset for any team,” cooed Kolkata boss Teddy Sheringham.
Meanwhile, Middlesbrough managed to keep a straight face when Sampdoria offered them €11m for Gastón Ramírez, so the laid-back Uruguayan is doing one to Italy.
The EFL and Millwall are working together to “repair reputational damage”, whatever that means, after the club’s fans were naughty boys at the League One playoff final last season.
And perhaps because Weird Uncle Fiver pelted his house with cute toy lions, or maybe because they’re just bloody horrible, Arsenal owner Stan Kroenke has banned trophy-hunting bloodsports from his MyOutdoorTV app.
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
Juan Mata is confirming his nice guy status by doing the sort of thing nice guys do, specifically donating 1% of his salary to charitable projects. What a nice guy. Sid Lowe is a nice guy too, and he’s going to tell you all about it.
Wolves paid a honking great £15.8m for Portuguese midfielder Rúben Neves … but is he any good? We sent Paul MacInnes with his ‘Is He Any Good-o-meter’ to find out.
Endsleigh League’s John Terry is at Aston Villa now … but is he any good? We sent David Hytner with his ‘Is He Any Good-o-meter’ to find out.
PPRRREEEEEVVVIEEEEEEEWWWWS! GETCHA PREEEEEEEEEVIEWS! Are Leicester going to be an utter calamity or a belting success this season? Simon Burnton mulls that one over, while Andy Hunter is here to tell you what to think about Liverpool this season.
There’s a Neymar-shaped hole in the Barcelona side, and Ben McAleer reckons he knows how to fill it.
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