My friend is frustrated with his boss. As we sit for a cup of coffee, he sighs, “No matter how hard I try, it is very difficult to convince him.” But what strikes me the most is his conclusion: “Definitely, this is not the way he treats everyone.”
Later, as I mused over his complaint, a series of questions popped into my mind. Do people treat everyone the same way? What prompts a person to treat two people in dissimilar ways? Doesn’t my friend play a role in the treatment meted out to him by his boss?
His complaint brought to mind the concept often attributed to the American psychologist and author Phil McGraw: “We teach others how to treat us.” How we present ourselves to others defines our relationships with them, which, in turn, allows them to treat us the way they do.
For instance, through crying, gestures, and facial expressions, an infant teaches her mother to take care of her needs. As she grows up, she watches how people treat her and understands them better. This understanding helps her teach them the way she wants them to treat her. This explains why children conduct themselves differently with their mother, father and siblings.
My friend might have been knowingly or unknowingly teaching his boss, which might have led to his current problem. Personal values, emotions, circumstances and cultural influences are certain factors that influence the way a person treats others. On the other hand, the reactions, behaviour and characteristics of the person being treated affect the dynamics of the interaction.
While we cannot control how others treat us, we can influence the way people perceive and interact with us by focusing on our own behaviour and communication. Establishing and communicating our personal boundaries to others and showing the guts to enforce them demonstrate that we value and respect ourselves, which, in turn, can deter mistreatment.
Influencing the way people see and interact with us is like sprinkling a little magic into our daily interactions. Influence can be defined as the ability to have an effect on the thoughts, behaviour or decisions of another person. Being our genuine selves, sharing warm smiles, and listening intently when others speak could help in influencing others.
Yet, influence is not always guaranteed, and it’s essential to remember that we cannot control how someone chooses to perceive or interact with us. My friend’s experience with his boss might be attributable to his boss’s unique experiences, beliefs, and preferences that shaped his decisions about my friend.
Teaching someone how to treat us effectively is a process, and it may take time to see the desired changes. Approaching the situation with a focus on improving our working relationship and maintaining professionalism throughout the process is the key. At the same time, it is noteworthy to remember that not all are teachable.
My friend could be a victim of his boss’s prejudice. Prejudice, or the act of forming judgments about individuals or groups based on preconceived notions or stereotypes, can have various underlying reasons. Preconceived notions about others often stem from a mix of cognitive shortcuts, learned biases and a fear of the unfamiliar. Under such a circumstance, my friend’s problem stems from his disposition of trying to take ownership of his boss’s problem of being preoccupied with preconceived notions.
Occasionally, during a security check at airports, the traveller before me in his shoes would get through flawlessly, while the security personnel’s preconceived notion about me would see that I removed my shoes and passed them through the scanning machine. Here I am left with two choices: one, maintain my cool and go ahead; and two, wonder what made the man remove my shoes and ruin my day. Choosing the latter amounts to accepting that what others think of me is more important than what I think of myself.
Viktor Frankl, who employed his perseverance to survive through the Auschwitz concentration camp, puts it thus: “Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.” In this space, we have the opportunity to exercise our free will and make a conscious decision about how we want to react or respond to the stimulus.
In Mother Teresa’s words, “If you are discouraged, it is a sign of pride because it shows you trust in your own power.” A strong belief in one’s own abilities can make it challenging to accept criticism or feedback from others. Egoistic individuals may become defensive or dismissive when others point out their flaws or mistakes, as they might view such feedback as an attack on their self-image.
Marcus Aurelius said: “I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinion of himself than on the opinion of others.” In conclusion, my friend, who is seemingly becoming a victim of his own ego, needs to overcome his incompatibility with his boss by being independent of the opinions of others about him.
Everything we do or don’t do has an opportunity cost that we or someone else is consciously or unconsciously paying for.
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