SCOTTISH FRICTION, SCOTTISH FICTION
Today marks the 24th anniversary of the famous Euro 96 showdown between England and Scotland. You’ll no doubt remember it well. Alan Shearer headed England ahead just after half-time. With 13 minutes remaining, Tony Adams brought down Gordon Durie and Scotland were awarded a penalty. Gary McAllister ran up to take the kick, but just before he made contact, the ball moved a little.
No matter! He confidently dispatched it into the corner anyway, giving David Seaman no chance. Within seconds of the restart, Paul Gascoigne shinned one into his own net and the Scots were kings of Wembley once again. All hail Craig Brown’s tartan army! At least that’s how Shortbread McFiver, having attended quite a few sessions of cognitive behavioural therapy, remembers it, and he’s determined to celebrate accordingly. Sadly, there’s no traditional way of marking this particular anniversary, so Shortbread has been forced to improvise a bespoke package of treats: 24 years = 10+10+4 = Tin + Tin + Fruit Platter. He can make a tasty cocktail with all of that, providing he leaves out the fruit.
But while our beloved but outmoded and increasingly problematic stereotypical cousin embarks on his purple spree, others north of the border will be in a more reflective mood, as a plan to restructure the Scottish league into permanent divisions of 14, 10, 10 and 10 gurgled down the swanny this afternoon, taking Hearts, Partick Thistle and Stranraer with it. Only 16 clubs backed the plan, which would have saved the aforementioned rabble from relegation at the end of a truncated season, while promoting non-league Brora Rangers and Kelty Hearts to the big time.
In other words, it would have spread happiness and joy from the highlands to the lowlands and plenty in between. But in the grand old traditions of Scottish football administration, we can’t be having that, can we? SPFL suit Neil Doncaster, putting a brave face on it, says the decision gives “absolute clarity”, presumably with regard to cobbling together next season’s fixture list, as opposed to getting a good unrestricted view of Hearts and Thistle’s lawyers heaving over the hill. But elsewhere misery abounds. Thank goodness Gary Mac scored that penalty all those years ago, and Gazza didn’t stripe one past Andy Goram, eh, or heaven knows what dark mood would be enveloping the Scottish nation today.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Wembley Stadium could be filled more than twice with children who have had to skip meals during lockdown due to their families not being able to access food. As their stomachs grumble, I wonder if these 200,000 children will ever be proud enough of their country to pull on the England shirt one day and sing the national anthem from the stands. Ten years ago, I would have been one of those children, and you would never have heard my voice.”
Marcus Rashford’s open letter to MPs, urging them to reconsider ending the free school meal voucher scheme in July, is essential reading. The government’s response, rejecting his plea but offering a written response from Boris Johnson, is altogether less impressive.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
The latest edition of Football Weekly is available right now. After you’ve listened in, why not catch up with the Forgotten Stories of Football series?
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: music at football matches (Fiver letters passim). I think Mahler’s eighth symphony may be the one you want: stretching to 120 minutes it should be able to cover all the VAR stoppages without interruption. Or there’s this” – Dr Peter Storch.
“If Mark E Smith were still alive, I’d like him to perform this Chelsea-baiting anthem live from just behind the Stamford Bridge dugout, while Frank Lampard wore his special touchline face. You know the one: geography teacher trying to ignore the classroom slipping into chaos” – Jon Millard.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Jon Millard.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Aston Villa’s Dean Smith has kickstarted the Premier League’s managerial moan merry-go-round, saying he is not in favour of using five substitutes per game. “We started the season with certain rules and now we have changed it,” Smith wailed. “I suppose it helps the clubs with the bigger squads.”
Smith’s overstuffed squad will have to find a way past Dean Henderson on Wednesday, after Chris Wilder confirmed the on-loan keeper will stay with Sheffield United until the end of the season.
Firewall FC have said they will not be offering season-ticket holders a refund after the League Two season was abandoned. “The value of the four remaining home games is in the region of £100,000, and the club does not have the cash resources available to refund tickets,” said club chairman Peter Swann.
Newport captain Mark O’Brien has retired from football aged 27 as he requires heart surgery. O’Brien also played for Derby and Luton, and scored the winner against Notts County in 2017 to preserve the Exiles’ league status.
What could possibly go wrong dept: Tottenham fans will get the chance to appear on a “live video wall” during their home match against Manchester United on Friday. “The players will know fans are watching and cheering them on,” a club statement warned.
Fifa has revealed more than 400 players have applied for financial assistance from its Fund for Football Players [FFP for short – yes, really – Fiver Ed]. Almost 90% of requests for help with covering unpaid wages have come from players in Europe.
And the Kilmarnock caretaker manager, Alex Dyer, is moving out of the broom cupboard and into a proper office after landing a two-year permanent contract.
STILL WANT MORE?
“It is not enough to ignore the dinosaurs in the hope that they die out” – Sean Ingle on why football must keep fighting back against hatred and hooliganism.
The Premier League lockdown may be all but over, but Newcastle United and their fans are still stuck in limbo, writes Louise Taylor.
Thwack! The sound of ball on net. Eff! Players consulting the referee. Aaah! The press pack enjoying that extra leg room. Here’s what Big Paper writers are looking forward to hearing (and seeing) as the English top flight returns.
And the big Premier League previews continue with Sheffield United and Southampton.
Uwe Rösler’s Fortuna Düsseldorf were seconds away from a priceless point against Dortmund. Then they gave Erling Haaland a sniff at goal, writes Andy Brassell.
West Brom and Nasty Leeds are (probably) going up but what else is up for grabs as the Championship resumes this weekend? Ben McAleer investigates.
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