Spotify has compiled a list of the tracks most likely to appear in playlists designed to help people get to sleep. The result – The Top 20 Most-Streamed Songs For Sleep, Globally – may constitute history’s most powerful sedative.
Or maybe not. This isn’t a carefully curated journey to unconsciousness. It’s just a bunch of very popular, slightly mellow songs that keep cropping up on sleep playlists: seven of the 20 are by Ed Sheeran; four are by Sam Smith. And what on earth is the point of a 20-song sleep list? If you’re still awake after song 4, then it isn’t working. And if it does work, the last dozen tracks could be anything, apart from a recording of a smoke alarm going off.
I still wanted to see if the list would at least make it me groggy, but there were a couple of problems with the experiment. First, it was the middle of the day. Second, I didn’t have Spotify on my phone, only on my desktop computer. I don’t need music to make me fall asleep at my desk.
Downloading the app proves a frustrating procedure that puts me in a filthy temper. I am obliged to listen to the list on shuffle – not sure why – but I suppose it doesn’t really matter; they’re not in any particular sleep-inducing order. I settle somewhere quiet, headphones on, and wait for oblivion.
First up is Ed Sheeran’s Thinking Out Loud, which begins gently enough. After a minute or two, however, some rather insistent drums kick in. I sit bolt upright, wondering how anyone could possibly sleep through it.
Song 2 is called Earned It and is from the 50 Shades of Grey soundtrack, which is probably why I have never heard it before. The next one – Let Her Go by Passenger – is both familiar and irritatingly catchy. Sam Smith’s Lay Me Down is the first properly soporific number on the list, although I’m not sure Smith would take that as a compliment. Number 5, Tenerife Sea, is Ed Sheeran again.
Sixth on the list is Rihanna and Kanye West’s Fourfiveseconds; it contains the line “Hold me back, I’m about to spazz”, which preoccupies me, but not in a manner conducive to sleep. By number 7, Give Me Love, I’m getting a little sick of Ed Sheeran. By number 8, Latch, I’m getting a little sick of Sam Smith. Next up, Rain For Sleep, is the first thing on the playlist specifically designed to put you under. It’s just rain sounds, but it’s a little torrential for my liking. I think it would give me nightmares about my cattle drowning.
Number 10 is A Team by Ed Sheeran, which is all I can take. None of these comes close to the most reliably narcotic recording on the market: Mitt Romney reading the audio version of his 2010 book No Apology: The Case For American Greatness. The free sample via the Amazon website is more than enough to knock you out. Do not listen to it in the car.
