Name: Spoilers.
Age: They’ve been around ever since – SPOILER ALERT – the very first story was told.
Appearance: A dying breed, apparently.
What? They’re getting rid of spoilers? But I haven’t even started reading them all yet. Thanks for ruining the ending, you idiot. Ah, I’ll miss people like you.
People like who? People who get irrationally angry whenever plot details of films and TV shows they haven’t watched are inadvertently revealed to them.
I don’t get irrationally angry. You do. In fact – SPOILER ALERT – you’re going to get irrationally angry before the end of this article.
Stop spoiling the ending! Anyway, listen. Google has been awarded a patent for a technology that identifies and obscures online spoilers, meaning that you won’t have to get your precious knickers in a twist whenever you learn that Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s dad.
Stop it! I’d been saving that 35-year-old film for ages, specifically to watch this weekend! Sorry. But at least that offending line will be obscured for people who read this in the future.
How the hell am I going to survive until this patent gets made? There’s already an app called SpoilerShield that does roughly the same thing for social media. You could download that.
Anything else? To stop people blabbing details of the Breaking Bad finale before everyone had seen it, Netflix invented a system called Spoiler Foiler, which blacked out so-called “danger words” on Twitter.
That still doesn’t go far enough. What else is there? Well, you could always try being a grownup and accepting that the entire world doesn’t exclusively revolve around you and your peculiar viewing habits, you entitled little crybaby.
How DARE you call me a crybaby! I will not stand for this! You will pay for slighting me! You will PAY! See? I said you’d get irrationally angry.
Please, for the love of God, will you just stop ruining the ending of everything. Hey, I said spoiler alert.
Do say: “Finally, a technology that will [CONTENT TEMPORARILY OBSCURED DUE TO ITS SENSITIVE NATURE].”
Don’t say: “I haven’t been this shocked since Bruce Willis turned out to be a ghost.”
