MARK DOWN
The Fiver, five-star to the very core of its being, spends more time than is technically necessary on TripAdvisor, leaving ill-tempered, hot-faced, disproportionate reviews of hotels in the wake of stays deemed unsatisfactory to our exacting standards. Perhaps there had been a long queue at check-in. Maybe the complimentary toiletries were not produced using natural oils and perfumes by an artisan apothecary. Or perhaps the minibar was all out of fun-size bottles of Fistfight, the 73.8% ABV turps-flavoured reality suppressor that can just about be soaked up in the morning by a pyramid of half-cooked hash browns so you can get back on the road having finally finished your crying.
We’re not necessarily proud of this. Having said that, hats off to the punter who aimed a perfectly pitched satirical salvo at the Marriott in Swansea on the aforementioned guest-house appraisal website. Referencing Southampton FC’s cancelled reservation at the hostelry before last night’s “extremely important business trip” to the Liberty, internet humourist WeMarchOn posted the following evisceration: “Very disappointing ... the inconvenience meant we had to make alternative arrangements for our group at short notice ... fortunately the experience didn’t sour our trip. Business meeting was extremely productive! Not planning to return any time soon.” One star. That’s what WeMarchOn gave the hotel, not what we’re awarding the review. We give them six out of five for that.
As the Marriott span off into hyperspace in flames, tech apparatchiks at everyone’s favourite forum for unaccountably piqued travellers and ironic online troublemakers deleted the entry. But not before Saints themselves had flagged it up on disingenuous outrage-manufacturing social media disgrace Twitter, with a pithy comment of their own: “Just some feedback.” All good knockabout fun, and hopefully it’s calmed down Ailsa from Home and Away a bit, because despite Saints having effectively saved their Premier League skin by beating a miserable Swansea side, he was still raging post-match over the hostelry hoo-hah. “It helped our focus, we used it as a motivating factor, we suspected that maybe some of the dark arts were at play.” A scattergun, some would say overly sensitive, attack on the travel industry which thankfully stopped short of claiming the staff at Kuoni are all Portsmouth stooges, or accusing the woman from the Trivago ad of looking at him in a funny way.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I hate him, this b@stard! He’s such a difficult player to play against. Tall and strong as well. It’s been fun to play against him, even though it’s difficult. To be able to find an opponent to play against me and stop me … there’s few of them, but [he] was one of the close ones who was able to give me problems … a good, good player” – Yaya Touré is careful not to forget to give his ego a massive stroke while joining José Mourinho’s Nemanja Matic fan club.
THE FIVEЯ
Yes, it’s our not-singing, not-dancing World Cup Fiver. Out every Thursday lunchtime BST, here’s the latest edition, on Japan.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Given that the Red Sox have the same owner as Liverpool & the Yankees have a partnership with the group that owns Man City, we’re perplexed over here in New York that they are force-fitting their England games into the London Stadium when a more suitable venue should be available. Perhaps West Ham fans have some thoughts about this” – Christopher Smith.
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THE RECAP
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Barnardo’s has been brought in by Chelsea to oversee an independent investigation into the allegations of racism that have left the club facing the possibility of widespread legal action.
José Mourinho has said that Manchester United “are confident” that Sir Alex Ferguson will recover from a brain haemorrhage suffered on Saturday. “We are very, very positive,” he said.
Meanwhile, he’s also confirmed that Michael Carrick is male. “The most important quality is to be a man, M-A-N, capitals, a proper man. Football is not full of them, society is not full of them, so when you find one of them, you have to value them,” Mourinho blathered about Carrick, who will retire after the Watford match to become a Manchester United coach.
Liverpool are glancing appreciatively at Porto’s Diogo Leite.
Arsène Wenger is considering taking a job upstairs with Qatar FC when he finally empties his Arsenal locker. “A general manager role? That’s what I have to decide,” wibbled Wenger.
Barcelona’s Sergi Roberto has been banned for four matches for giving Marcelo a slap, something The Fiver has wanted to do for some time.
Cesc Fàbregas has given Chelsea’s Big Cup-chasing forwards a confidence boost before their crucial Huddersfield match. “The biggest regret, it’s been up front, not taking our chances,” he snarled, as Álvaro Morata hid in a corner. “We could have won more if we had been more clinical.”
And Gennaro Gattuso has admitted he once ate a live snail in a Milan training session before a Big Cup match with Manchester United. “I’ve done worse things,” he parped. “The point is, it was not about the snail anyway … in that particular moment there was a need to do something to break the tension.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Did you know there was such a thing as the McGeady Spin? We didn’t, until we read this Joy of Six: football moves named after players.
Burton’s Shaun Barker will bid a cheery farewell to football after showing playing is not everything, writes Nick Miller.
Free-scoring Fulham lead the march of the heavyweights in the tasty-looking £200m Championship play-offs, reckons Football League aficionado Ben Fisher.
Which players have been ordered to shave by their clubs? The Knowledge answers one of life’s big questions.
Fans of lists about good young players will not believe their luck if they click this.
Chin up West Brom fans. You’ve been through an even worse relegation, soothes Nineteen Eighties Man, Steven Pye.
And here’s Ashifa Kassam, with the story of the Canadian goalkeeper Stephanie Labbé, who qualified for a men’s team before the league rejected her.
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