THE EAGLE HAS LANDED
The first thing to say about the new manager at Crystal Palace is that Tactics Tim was available. It’s a point The Fiver’s English cousin, $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver, has been making all day, so we consider ourselves well versed on the topic. Poor $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver. It was the last thing he needed. The Fiver hadn’t seen him go this red in the face since he underestimated last week’s heatwave and stepped outside for a couple of seconds without any suncream on.
He was absolutely furious. Tactics Tim was single and ready to mingle and Palace hadn’t so much as given him a second glance, choosing to hire a foreign man named Frank de Boer instead. De Boer. Probably Dutch. What do they know about football anyway? The Fiver tried to reason with him, pointing out that De Boer had been an excellent player back in the day and had gone on to lead Ajax to four Eredivisie titles during a six-year spell. $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver considered that for a moment, but he was boiling again after hearing that De Boer had left Internazionale after three months last year. “He’s not as good as Mr Roy, then, is he?” he trilled, before launching into a tirade about the time Hull City replaced Mike Phelan with a man called Marco.
It was at that point The Fiver decided not to reveal that Southampton have hired an Argentinian called Mauricio Pellegrino. $exually Repressed Morris Dancing Fiver had missed that one, having spent the entire weekend soaking in a tub of after-sun, and he’d already had enough of a tantrum after learning about Jeremy Corbyn giving it some big chat to a field of no-good hippies. Instead it was time to hear from De Boer at his official unveiling. “Probably the chance to listen to Glad All Over every other week,” the 47-year-old presumably said after being asked what excited him most about Palace. “I had a good feeling about the club and the prospect of managing a team in the Premier League was exciting.”
After a few more platitudes, it emerged that Palace had sought advice from De Boer’s predecessor, Sam Allardyce, but ignored his suggestion that they speak to Phil Brown. It was another slap in the face for the poor, downtrodden British manager. Up in Burnley, a 45-year-old man considered changing his name to Sean de Dyche. Down in Westminster, meanwhile, Andrea Leadsom put the finishing touches to a statement urging Premier League clubs to be “a bit patriotic”.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“[$tevie Mbe] is a strong character and I am a strong character. [He] was a very good player, people like him in Liverpool but he never did anything for his country. I am Mr El Hadji Diouf, Mr Senegal but he is Mr Liverpool and Senegal is bigger than Liverpool and he has to know that” – extra marks for El Hadji Diouf showing his workings.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
The summer podcasts keep on coming, with AC Jimbo and co chatting all things Confederations Cup, Euro U-21s and more.
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FIVER LETTERS
“According to the official website announcement of Mauricio Pellegrino as new Southampton manager, he joined because of Saints’ reputation for a ‘strong and stable structure’. Does this mean that, after a short interval, we can look forward to the first Hung Managership, with the success of Pellegrino’s training sessions dependent on the participation of some staff from a Norn Iron club?” – John Ketchell.
“Would Finn Jorgensen (Friday’s Fiver letters) consider newspapers as a ‘morally acceptable industry’? I realise some folks like to claim newspapers are full of ‘fake news’, but I did not read any that reported Arsenal winning the Premier League” – JJ Zucal.
“You’ll probably regret that ‘Phwoar!’ (Friday’s last line) as these things tend to end up with mining equipment or atom-smashers, but I’ll kick it off: tractors? Child’s play? For real industrialised nature-disturbance, check out auto-logging machines” – Rob Tyler.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … John Ketchell.
BITS AND BOBS
Because they are Manchester United, the club are keen to give Chelsea £40m for Nemanja Matic and ensure José Mourinho can keep the midfield handbrake firmly in place next season.
Liverpool have been told by Crass Energy Drink Advertising Gimmick Leipzig that if they want Naby Keïta box-to-boxing his legs off at Anfield next season they’ll have to stump up £70m.
Vitaly Mutko, who was Russia’s minister of sport while this was going on, is on the defensive over allegations that Russia’s entire 2014 World Cup squad faces a Fifa doping inquiry. “There have never been and will never be any problems with doping in our football,” he tooted.
Cameroon boss Hugo Broos has accurately summed up the level of high farce that surrounded the ref’s decision to wrongly send off Sebastien Siani instead of Ernest Mabouka after reviewing a video replay in his side’s 3-1 Confederations Cup defeat by Germany. A decision that was corrected following some enthusiastic sarcastic applause. “I think everyone is confused, even me,” sighed Broos. “I didn’t know what happened, it was a yellow card then a red card, then a red card for another player. Don’t ask me what really happened! I didn’t understand it and I don’t now, either.”
England U-20s boss Paul Simpson reckons coaches like himself and Subbuteo-toting England U-21s tactical tinker-demon Adrian ‘Aidy’ Boothroyd deserve more chances at big clubs. “We talk about English players not getting opportunities at the highest level, you can say the same about English coaches,” he moaned. “But there is no point moaning about it.”
And Chinese company 5USport has bought a 60% stake in Northampton Town. As you do. “We have been looking at partnering with an English football club for about 18 months now. We have looked closely at others, but none ticked as many boxes for us as Northampton Town,” cheered chief suit Tom Auyeung.
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
What happens to football managers who fall off the merry-go-round? Sean Cole goes in search of those poor souls who get sacked once and never work again.
The north-east is bloody lovely and can attract the best talent no problem, writes Louise Taylor, doing her bit for the Yarm Tourist Board while boosting bookings at Rockliffe Hall.
Germany Under-21 boss Stefan Kuntz gets his chat on about his side’s semi with England and the important stuff too, such as why he couldn’t tell his mum what Kuntz means, phonetically, in English.
The England U-21s manager has shaken off the Hoofroyd taunts by getting them playing Total Boothall (or something like that), cheers Barney Ronay.
Football would benefit from more female managers, says England legend Rachel Yankey who is at the forefront of a campaign to deliver more Uefa-qualified female coaches.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
