LJUBLJ JUBBLY
Look out your window and you see the Bert-coloured sun, the Grover-blue sky and the Cookie-Monster-sized bloke in the park with his T-shirt off and the tattoo of a bulldog on his left arm. Summer in this part of the world is here and so too is The Fiver’s yearly dose of happiness. Mind, happiness is relative. Some are happy at foam parties in Miami surrounded by some southern bounce and red cups, while others are happy with just an index finger in their nose hole. The Fiver is just happy because, with the final whistle in the Euro qualifiers, the mad moustachioed, purple-hued maltworm that is football has stopped.
Mr Roy’s boys are sitting pretty on top of their Euro 2016 qualifying group. Six games played, six wins collected. Brave England. Brilliant England. World-beaters England. The best there ever was and will be England. Just-give-them-the-trophy-now-and-call-off-the-tournament England. It’s all true, of course, once you disregard the fact that that they were trailing 1-0 at half-time to a side behind the Cape Verde Islands, Iran and Norn Iron in the world rankings after their defence gave the best impression of narcolepsy since River Phoenix in My Own Private Idaho. And you forget that that goal was scored by a 36-year-old who rocks up in the J-League and whose turn of pace makes the average sloth look like Usain Bolt.
But never mind that, just put it to the back of your mind. They are best and they deserve credit. Here is Mr Roy with the science. “It’s a good achievement completing a season of 10 games with eight wins and two draws,” he tooted. “That’s not been done for over 20 years. The players deserve some credit for that, and get plenty of credit from me. Now we have to keep building on it. We want to keep that unbeaten run going.” Given that three of their next four games come against sides ranked outside the top 90 in the world, that shouldn’t be too hard, eh?
One person who won’t be getting credit, however, is Martin O’Neill. Oh Martin. It’s almost impressive that you have taken a side managed by Trap and made them look more agricultural than the Great Yorkshire Show. The draw with Scotland means O’Ireland’s chances of making the trip to France are about as great as The Fiver being named poet laureate. But who is to blame for this mess? John Delaney? The bankers? The Catholic Church? Eh, no. According to Martin, it’s the midfield and the forwards. “We have to try to become more creative,” he roared after Saturday’s 1-1 draw with Scotland. “We have to have midfield players trying to get goals. Players have played a lot of international matches and we don’t score a lot of goals. We don’t score them.”
Of course, what the O’Ireland manager did not mention is that his side would have had a much better chance of being creative and scoring more if he’d managed to get his most creative player and his best strikers on the pitch at the same time rather than starting one from the bench and hauling another off with 20-odd minutes to go. Still Wee Gordon Strachan was happy and so too was Chris “I don’t see us choking” Coleman. (Don’t think for a minute that The Fiver hasn’t jotted that down in its comments-that-come-back-to-haunt file). But they couldn’t outdo The Fiver in the happiness stakes. Until someone mentioned the Women’s World Cup and the Copa América. Curse those canker blossoms! Will it never stop?
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I am sorry for the fans who had high expectations of me. I feel sad … and disappointed with myself because I had no knowledge about what a professional player should know naturally” – South Korea striker Kang Soo-il accepts his 15-match ban for failing a doping test, on which he blamed a moustache-growing kit he’d been given as a present.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
In the first of a special series of documentaries, Football Weekly presents … The Ballad of Robin Friday.
FIVER LETTERS …
… just weren’t very good.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Rollover.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
Chances are that if you’re reading this tea-timely football email, you’re almost certainly single. But fear not – if you’d like to find companionship or love, sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you. And don’t forget, it’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s the hope.
BITS AND BOBS
Uefa suits have opened disciplinary proceedings against the Croatian Football Federation after a swastika was carved into the pitch in Split, where the 1-1 draw with Italy was played. Behind closed doors. Because of racist chants from their fans. “This act has inflicted immeasurable damage on the reputation of Croatian citizens and their homeland all over the world. Therefore, we must finally put a stop to such things,” fumed Kolinda Grabar-Kitarovic, the Croatian president.
Jack Grealish will face a meeting with Aston Villa overlords after pictures emerged of him on holiday in Tenerife in exactly the kind of the state you would expect a 19-year-old on holiday in Tenerife to be in. “We will be meeting with the player but any action will remain an internal matter,” droned a club suit.
The Pope’s Newc O’Rangers have appointed former Brentford boss Mark Warburton as their new manager. “He becomes the first Englishman to manage the club,” trilled a club statement.
Juventus boss Massimiliano Allegri will let Paul Pogba sidle on out of Turin, as long as a gazillion Euros are dumped in the Turin club’s coffers. “When you talk about certain figures, it’s difficult to say no,” said Allegri, tapping a Casio calculator with an eight and seven zeros on it.
Louis van Gaal is adamant that by setting up Manchester United’s pre-season on the cooler east coast of America and using language that sounds like his team are setting off to climb Everest, he’ll at least avoid getting grief for losing to Swansea next season. “We have improved our America tour because we have two base camps …last year we had a lot of time differences,” he purred. “You cannot then train your body properly.”
Meanwhile, Robin van Persie has given his ankles an almighty shock by vowing to see out his United contract and play on until he’s 40. “I’m not going to be part of a puppet show. In August I’m 32. But I still have the ambition to play for another eight years.”
Fun and games in South America dept: Nacional are seven minutes or a Uruguayan FA tribunal ruling away from winning the league after violent numpties in the crowd led to the match with Peñarol being suspended.
And Roma have Pope Francis to thank for being favourites to sign goal-plundering Sevilla striker Carlos Bacca. “Carlos is deeply religious. And in Rome, there is the pope,” trousered the Colombian’s Mr 15%.
STILL WANT MORE?
Amy Lawrence was travelling around Italy in 1990 watching the World Cup and listening to World In Motion. It was a bit special, she recalls.
Quiz time! Did Micky Quinn see out his career at Tranmere or Thessaloniki? You can answer here, where there are nine other questions asking you to name the clubs where various other players hung up their boots.
Shaun Maloney, Chris Coleman and Wayne Rooney will enjoy reading this Euro 2016 talking points blog. Marc Wilmots, Martin O’Neill and Anghel Iordanescu might want to click elsewhere.
If you’ve been wondering if the best of England’s U-21s have developed like their European equivalents, then it’s your lucky day. Because here’s John Ashdown with the answer.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
SIGN UP TO THE FIVER
Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up.
PARTY DOWN SOUTH, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL THE FIVER’S LIFE
