What makes a modern gentleman? Holding doors open? Giving up your seat on the Tube in the middle of rush hour? Looking halfway decent in black tie? According to Country Life magazine, it’s slightly harder work than that. The publication, beloved by the upper classes, has released its latest list of the qualities, traits and behaviours that prove someone is a true gent, edited by the etiquette expert William Hanson.
Take a glance at the magazine’s 39 suggestions and some make perfect sense. Punctuality, being happy to carry a woman’s handbag without having some sort of crisis of masculinity, and not including their dog’s name when they sign Christmas cards – these are all traits to be applauded (and rarer than you might think, too). And frankly, as snobbish as it may sound, I have to agree with Hanson’s declaration that a gentleman “doesn’t wear tank tops to the gym” (I would have also added that they wouldn’t make off-putting noises while bench pressing, either).
But some of these behaviours are, to my unrefined eyes at least, verging into “ick” territory; the sort of actions that seem calibrated to fill observers with a low-level sense of cringe. Does anyone really want to go out to dinner with someone who “learns and uses waiters’ names” incessantly, as if they’ve recently completed a motivational influencer’s Networking 101 course? Does a fervent belief that Roger Moore is the best 007 really indicate that you’re a gentleman at heart? Whenever men hold strong opinions on James Bond, they tend to come across like Alan Partridge (hardly an aspirational figure).
To anyone that doesn’t live in a stately home or Belgravia townhouse, then, many of the green flags on the list will feel almost laughably quaint: apart from the references to Teslas, Sabrina Carpenter and budget airlines, it reads a bit like an excerpt from a 20th-century etiquette handbook. It certainly doesn’t begin to grapple with some of the very ungentlemanly behaviours that have become norms thanks to dating apps and social media.
What are the rules that modern men should actually follow, then? The ones that make sense in real life, rather than in a period drama? I have a few suggestions: in my humble opinion, a proper gentleman is someone who…
Neither knows nor cares what his ‘love language’ is
God save us from men earnestly banging on about “words of affirmation” and “acts of service”, thinking that they’re being oh-so emotionally literate. I hate to break it to you, but you sound like a televangelist.
Realises that ‘having a car’ is not a personality trait
A gentleman would never pose for a photo next to said car, then upload this photo to social media. And they certainly wouldn’t refer to an inanimate vehicle as “she”.
Keeps quiet about his Hyrox ambitions
So you want to spend your weekends doing burpees and pushing a weighted sled around a regional conference centre, so that you can get another Hyrox personal best? That’s fine. In fact, I applaud you. Just please, please don’t burden everyone else with all the (tedious) details.
Can write a difficult text without resorting to ChatGPT
The overuse of the elongated “em dash” in your breakup message is a glaring red flag. A proper gentleman doesn’t outsource their problems to a Large Language Model – they’re able to verbalise feelings without recruiting an AI bot.
Doesn’t use weaponised ‘therapy speak’
Going to therapy? Great. Understanding your emotions? Also great. But that doesn’t mean that using empty cliches to rationalise bad behaviour is OK; resorting to trite lines about “being in a bad headspace” or “upholding boundaries” rather than taking accountability is deeply ungentlemanly stuff.
Would never share their life story on LinkedIn
The networking site is a necessary evil of the modern world, not a place to unburden your deepest thoughts on what your lowest personal moment actually taught you about B2B sales, or to unveil your engagement photoshoot.
Has hobbies beyond ‘the gym’
Well-rounded interests are very gentlemanly; they certainly make for better conversations, too. And, in reference to point three, Hyrox does not count here. Neither does CrossFit.
Can take care of houseplants
I’m not suggesting that your home needs to be decked out in a thriving array of exotic greenery in order to qualify as a gentleman. But being able to look after, say, a Monstera and the odd succulent feels like a good indicator that you’re a generally responsible guy who, you know, has the ability to keep things alive.
Gets to know their partner’s friends
Taking a genuine interest in the people that your partner cares about, rather than treating them as some sort of amorphous, collective annoyance, should be the baseline.
Reads novels, not just airport self-help
Country Life’s list suggests that a gentleman “prefers Emma Woodhouse to Elizabeth Bennet, but is secretly in love with Rupert Campbell-Black”. That’s wonderful in theory, but a bit unrealistic when vast swathes of blokes seem to eschew novels entirely in favour of self-optimisation tomes like Atomic Habits. Just being au fait with a few of the year’s biggest fiction releases would set a gentleman apart.
Cultivates a low screen time
Doomscrolling? Excessively liking naff memes? Being aware of the concept of “TikTok trending audio”? A true gentleman would never – they know that being chronically offline is a far more attractive trait.
Has a decent skincare routine
It’s 2025. Scoffing at the mere idea of anything beyond a quick splash with water and soap (or acting like this would somehow be “girly”) feels very retro.
Never ghosts
It shouldn’t have to be spelled out, but disappearing from someone’s life without explanation or warning is deeply, pathologically unchivalrous behaviour. A short, simple message is always more gentlemanly than a slow fade.
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