small>David Chase (second right) in court. Photograph: Andrea Shepard/AP
If you haven't been able to stomach a few slices of gabagool and a nice dish of baked ziti since The Sopranos ended, then I have good news for cured meat purveyors and pasta makers everywhere. New Jersey's favourite mobsters are back for one final unexpected instalment. Sopranos' creator David Chase is currently in court fending off claims that someone else spawned key ideas for his hit show. A former municipal judge called Robert Baer alleges that the New Jersey setting, Satriale's pork store and the character of Tony Soprano are all down to him. And he wants his taste of the action.
Now if Chase got his hands on this particular storyline, you can bet that Baer wouldn't survive this kind of disrespectful shakedown. Baer might, like Sal "Pussy" Bonpensiero and Adriana La Cerva before him, find himself joining the great witness protection programme in the sky in time it takes Tony Soprano to spot a suicidal brunette across a crowded strip club. Baer might find Tony insisting on a spot of off-season fishing on his boat. Once on board Stugots, Baer might spy an unexplained roll of plastic sacks, some chains and an overriding atmosphere of doom. In which case Baer can assume that, like Luca Brasi, he will soon be sleeping with the fishes.
Equally Baer could find Sivio "Sil" Dante on his doorstep offering to give him a lift. A wise man would learn from Adriana's mistake and say, "No, you're alright - I've got an Oyster card" and shut the door. Then again, a wise man would not have ratted on the boss. Once Baer gets in that car, he knows that sooner or later Sil is going to head down a wooded track and then produce a shovel from the boot. At this point Baer can be fairly sure that he will be joining Adriana as woodland compost.
There's no escape from Chase's pen even if Baer decides to leave the house under his own steam. Going for a jog in the woods like Mikey Palmice? Then watch out for portly men in shiny leisure suits lurking in the undergrowth. Thinking of a night in a hotel with a hooker like FBI snitch Little Jimmy Altieri? Then expect room service to deliver a shot to the back of the head and a rat to stuff in your mouth. Lurking in a motel because you're gay and on the lam like Vito Spatafore? Then seriously start to worry if you find three heavyset men and a pool cue waiting for you in your room.
Chase could, however, visit the ultimately indignity on Baer. Following in the footsteps of Gigi Cestone, capo of the Aprile crew, he could die of a heart attack while straining at stool. Now that's a cruel way to go.
