I used to go to a nightclub where a girl turned up most weeks with a glitterball on her head, worn like an enormous hat. Everybody would stare at her, but she never stared back. Once I found her in the toilets having a bit of a breather, with the disco ball in her hands and sweat running through her hair, because the metal had got so hot under the lights. Being cool can be hard work.
But for those not inclined to party helmets, how can one become cool? Are there any guidelines for normal people who would love to be that bit more ineffable? It’s a tough one, because coolness is the equation that never shows its workings, the magic that ceases to exist if you talk about it.
Luckily, I have spent years observing cool people. Here is my guide to joining them.
One: never reply to a group invitation on Facebook, where everybody can see that you are coming. You must leave people guessing. If you have made the mistake of responding in the affirmative to an invite before reading this, then it is very important you do not go. That way at least you have still behaved mysteriously and left people confused as to your intentions.
Of course, if you were really cool you wouldn’t be on social media at all: you would simply appear at parties from time to time and hand out business cards, like Malcolm McLaren. These cards just said “Malcolm McLaren”. Nothing else.
Two: when in public and standing alone, looking at your phone is not cool, as it reveals that you have emotional or professional needs. Looking straight into the distance will make you seem more unique: if nobody is talking to you, you must find a way to make it look as if it is you who is talking to nobody.
Three: I have interviewed a number of Brooklyn bands at the apex of their coolness, trying to find the humanity beneath their veneer of people whose parents have spent so much money on their education that nothing is funny any more. Sorry, I mean, beneath the veneer of post-rock rebels with tortured hearts. Very occasionally, these musicians will let you know that you have said something funny. They do not do this by laughing. They do this by waiting until you have finished, and then saying, with an entirely straight face, “That is funny.”
Four: if you want to achieve this yourself, stand in front of the mirror, relax all your facial muscles including the smiling ones (you’ll not be needing those again), and imagine you are 12 years old and staring at your dad after he has been to the vet to put the dog down. Yes, the dog that has been your sole companion and solace since it was a puppy.
If you are a model, the thousand-yard, dead-dog stare is the one to use at castings and in all major fashion campaigns. Very occasionally, you will see a fashion brand attempting something more cheerful: perhaps the facial expression of someone who has only had to put down a gerbil and it’s fine because they can get a guinea pig. These brands will go bust.
Five: there is a flirting style called “negging”, which means chatting someone up by saying mean things and making them feel the requisite level of insecurity to then instinctively crave your approval. Well, being cool is a lot like negging the whole world. You have to convince the world it will have to do more to impress you. And so it does.
I mean, ideally. In fact, it might just find you mildly irritating and abandon you for someone who can eat buns and laugh and feel some joy in their bones before they die.
Six: put your name to a political cause, and then make sure it is based as far away as possible, perhaps involving Tibetan monks or pollution in Polynesia. Do not make the mistake of getting involved with campaigns for the NHS or Yarl’s Wood, as you might be expected to do something. Plus, if you do get involved with your cause, the selfies will look better with a mountain range that reeks of Eastern wisdom behind you.
Seven: put a photo on the internet with the caption “My office for the day!!”, like freelancers do when they’re at a sunny beach, only it’s an abattoir and you’re staring at the carcass of a cow. If the picture gets more than 37 likes you are safe to rebrand as a digital artist. Next, try using the cow’s blood to write FML on the wall. This stands for Fuck My Life and is much beloved of cool people who like to pretend that everything is terrible and life is pain.
Eight: nonchalance is a full-time commitment. Remember, you are in a sub-dom relationship with your own reflection, and if that sentence sounds meaningless, that’s because it’s supposed to.
You didn’t think this list was going to get to number 10 did you? Amateur.
