The long school summer break is now well under way. Family holidays are meant to be fun, of course, but they can also be stressful. They can often be more stressful than fun. Sometimes they can even be the start of criminal proceedings. So here are a few handy tips to make yours go with a bang.
1) If you find yourself lying in a sweltering foreign bedroom, try turning on the noisy, whirring ceiling fan and spending 30 sleepless, deafening minutes with it on. Followed by 30 silent, boiling minutes with it off. Try to alternate between the two until the sun rises. Fill in all that extra awake time by thinking of the air con you could have paid for if you’d been more successful in life. If you hadn’t had children. Think of the person you might have been.
2) If your holiday involves catching a train, especially, say, the last one to Cornwall on a Friday lunchtime before the off-peak tickets stop working, make sure you do not reserve a seat. Children today have high expectations of life, and to overcome this, they need to experience five hours slumped against a toilet door with salty urine leaking under it, leered over by a racist with a sunburnt neck and a six-pack of lager, shouting that he wouldn’t be squashed into this vestibule if it weren’t for “the immigrants”.
3) It is always a good idea to thoroughly research the area you’re staying in and join in with local customs. Speaking of Cornwall, visitors tend to associate it with surfing and cream teas, but the area also has a rich tradition of witchcraft. Witches celebrate the coming of the menses, so you can hold a special ceremony if your daughter starts her periods there – make sure you invite that boy she fancied on the beach to join in with the chanting. Wherever you are going, do try to make the most of your surroundings. For example, in the Pyrenees, with younger children, you could try playing a game of What’s The Time, Mr Wolf? with an actual wolf.
4) Small children tend to be very high-energy, which can easily exhaust the parents, who will need ample reserves of stamina to keep going through the holidays. A high-carbohydrate diet, with all meals based around chips, pasta or bread, can lead to sluggishness. Which sounds quite relaxing, so maybe just give them that.
5) If you are married, why not give a narrowboat holiday a whirl, as the lack of personal space will mean all your marital tensions are brought to the fore more quickly, thereby forcing a resolution. A resolution that may take place either on or in the water. Possibly under it.
6) If you are a single parent and have taken the kids away on your own, tell them you’ve got some good news, sit them in the local taverna and then announce that you’ve met someone special: their teacher at school. But they don’t have to worry about telling their friends, because the teacher is going to announce it to the class in the new term with a PowerPoint presentation. Complete with pictures. So maybe they could just help you take a flattering selfie in your swimming cossie?
7) Deal with travel sickness by dressing your children in clothes that look a bit like sick anyway.
8) Restrict access to telly, iPads, laptops, etc, to a strict 16 hours a day.
9) If you’re not going anywhere, and your only holiday experience is taking the kids to the playground at the weekend, during which outings they say, “Watch me, watch me” as they perform an act of no particular skill 487 times, do not give in to the temptation to use the words “wow” or “amazing”, as these will only encourage them. Instead, say, “Room for improvement” or, “Moderate progress sighted” until everyone is so bored with you that you can sneak off for a little snooze on the toddler slide.
10) It is often the case that first dabblings in drink and drugs can take place in the long summer holidays. If you suspect this could happen in your family, do try to keep it private, as it will be very embarrassing if your children catch you taking them.
