IN WHICH THE FIVER REFUSES TO THROW BOULDERS IN A GIANT GLASS PALACE
When it comes to making a complete dog’s breakfast of sending electronic correspondence on time, the Fiver is something of an expert. Named, rather parochially considering it’s wide global reach, after the o’clock (BST) at which it is supposed to arrive in the email boxes of subscribers, the Fiver once enjoyed a reputation for extreme tardiness, with readers invariably receiving their daily football digest a little bit late. Or very late. Or twice. Or sometimes not at all.
On such occasions, much finger-pointing would ensue in Fiver Towers, until somebody would invariably point out that it didn’t really matter, because we’re just eejits tasked with sending out an unfunny tea-time football email, not employees of a massive football club struggling to get the straightforward admin required to get the multi-million pound transfer of a major football star from one club to another “across the line”.
Now the Fiver isn’t about to start pointing it’s Big Finger O’Blame in the direction of either Real Madrid or Manchester United suits for missing the deadline for the transfer of David de Gea, because unlike those hundreds of thousands of people on the internet, we’re tremendously confused by the whole process, don’t know or care or whose fault it was and are just highly amused it happened (or didn’t happen) at all. Sadly, the same cannot be said of a worrying number of particularly one-eyed fans of both clubs involved, who in the face of no evidence, proof or inside knowledge whatsoever, refuse point blank to believe that the club they support could be in the wrong, because … well, they read it somewhere and it’s what they want to be true. That said, we’re blaming Spain in general, what with their deadline being at midnight when most people in that country are sitting down to dinner.
No matter whose fault it was that the deal has now collapsed, in this brave new football world where media and fan reaction to news of last-minute signings, or lack of them in the case of Arsenal, suggests Transfer Deadline Day has eclipsed both Milk Cup and Euro Vase in terms of general edge-of-the-seat excitement, entertainment and the “trophy” pecking order, you could be forgiven for thinking that, at the very least, punctuality should be of paramount importance. After all, think how threadbare the national football tapestry would look if Stoke Roll-Up Man had scheduled his nicotine fix for a time when the Sky Sports News producer had cut back to studio, or if Everton D1ldo Man had turned up moments after the cameras had been safely packed in the van parked outside Finch Farm.
Heroes both, with poorer timing they’d just have been a bloke smoking a tab in Staffordshire and a weirdo wandering around Merseyside with a giant rubber d1ldo in his hand. Instead, they are heroes. Whoever got it wrong at Old Trafford or the Bernabéu, the powers that be at Manchester United and Real Madrid could learn a lot from Stoke Roll-Up Man and Everton D1ldo Man to ensure a smooth and satisfying climax to Deadline Day. If that’s not a sign that something’s gone horribly wrong, then the Fiver doesn’t know what is.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Thus, Real Madrid has done everything necessary, at all times, to complete the two transfers” – Real end their 10-point missive on the collapse of De Gea’s transfer to the Bernabéu by making it very clear that, as far as Real are concerned, it’s All Manchester United’s Fault.
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FIVER LETTERS
“Did I miss some Sliding Doors (or, for film aficionados, Krzysztof Kieslowski’s Blind Chance) moment a few years ago when Manchester United, by a stroke of misfortune, fate or just complete incompetence ended up turning into the former laughing stock Manchester City and vice versa?” – Noble Francis.
“Having missed Match of the Day, I decided to look online to check out Liverpool’s latest defensive calamities. Googling ‘Dejan Lovren mistake’ brings up 149,000 results. Can’t help thinking they must have missed a few” – Tim Woods.
“So Limerick’s new Neymar-alike (Friday’s Bits and Bobs) is called Barry Cotter? Presumably we can now look forward to stories about Barry Cotter and the Blarney Stone, Barry Cotter and the Chamber of Hyperbaric Oxygen, etc and so on, whenever it’s a slow news day?” – Mo Holkar.
“Alright, I’ll bite. I hope it’s better than at least a few of the 1,056 you’ll be receiving. There once was Limerick spotter / Who unearthed a young striker named Cotter / Said the scout: “What a star! / He’s the spit of Neymar! / And his finishing couldn’t be hotter!” Ben Jones (and no others).
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Mo Holkar.
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BITS AND BOBS: DEADLINE DAY DONE DEAL SPECIAL!
DONE DEAL! West Ham have signed Victor Moses, Alex Song, Michail Antonio and Nikica Jelavic.
DONE DEAL! Everton have signed defender Ramiro Funes Mori from River Plate for £9.5m.
DONE DE… NOPE, CAN’T DO IT. Chelsea have signed Senegalese centre-back Papy Djilobodji for £2.7m
IT’S JUST A BIT DISPIRITING ISN’T IT? Leicester City defender Liam Moore has joined Bristol City until January.
WHERE DOES IT END? Southampton have snapped up Virgil van Dijk on a five-year deal from Celtic.
THE FIVER JUST DOESN’T KNOW ANY MORE. Bournemouth have completed the £3m signing of Glenn Murray from Crystal Palace.
IS THIS REALLY WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT? Aston Villa have signed goalkeeper Matija Sarkic from Anderlecht.
SOME OF THEM AREN’T EVEN DONE DEALS. Manchester United are prepared to send James Wilson out on loan.
LIKE THIS ONE. Chelsea are also on the verge of a £4m move for Reading defender Michael Hector.
AND THIS ONE. Charlie Austin is to stay at QPR.
THE INCESSANT NOISE. Watford midfielder Miguel Layún has joined Porto on a season-long loan.
THE CONSTANT CLATTER. Dimitar Berbatov is in talks with Aston Vill over a return to the Premier League.
ALL THESE CAPITALS. ALL THIS SHOUTING. Aston Villa defender Nathan Baker has joined Bristol City on loan for the rest of the season.
IT’S SO LOUD. Richard Stearman has joined Fulham from Wolves.
YOU END UP DEAFENED AND DISORIENTATED. Nathan Byrne has joined Wolves from Swindon and Huddersfield’s Jacob Butterfield has gone to Derby.
LIKE A PIGEON TRAPPED IN A TUBA. Joleon Lescott has joined Aston Villa from West Brom.
THE FIVER WANTS OUT.
Oh.
Is that it then?
And breathDONE DEAL! DONE DEAL! DONE DEAL! THERE’S STILL TIME FOR MORE! ARRRRGHHH! Join Nick Miller for the stagger over the line until 7pm.
STILL WANT MORE?
Transfer window: how did clubs in Spain, Germany, France and Italy fare? Sid Lowe, Raphael Honigstein, Paolo Bandini and Julien Laurens have the answer.
Exhaustion and a 176th minute winner: The NASL game that lasted nearly three hours
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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