‘LAST WEEK I HAD THE STRANGEST DREAM, WHERE EVERYTHING WAS EXACTLY HOW IT SEEMED’
It takes only a cursory search of the maddeningly hyperactive entity known as Arsenal Twitter to read concerning suggestions that a conspiracy might be at work. Bayern in Big Cup! Again! Even though we didn’t even phone the group stage in this time! Why does nobody ever check those hot and cold balls? Not quite moon landings stuff and the only actual conspiracy, of course, is between Arsenal and the rest of Europe’s elite to ensure that this – along with an equally filling appetiser of PSG v Barcelona – is your lot year in, year out from hereon.
It’s the European Super League you might not actually have wanted after all, but on the bright side there’s no guarantee it won’t be good fun. The scope for some “You guys again! Feel the force of this gif of a goal we once scored against you!” banter between the two club Twitter accounts is pretty broad. The promise of Arsenal heroically failing to chase down their first-leg deficit in the Round of Arsenal but doing so in such a manner that promises to definitely transform their season would also appear nailed on. But perhaps … and here’s the thing … Arsenal might even win this time, as Bayern have been a touch stuttery until the past couple of weeks and, while Carlo Ancelotti is a fine manager, his teams don’t quite have the identity that cows people into his thrall in the manner so often achieved by Pep Guardiola.
Playing at home second gives you a “psychological advantage”, according to Arsène Wenger, so something has clearly gone awry in Uefa’s cruel masterplan to evict Arsenal from the tournament yet again. All suitably amazing, intriguing, fascinating and all the other epithets stewed into meaninglessness by overuse when big guns are paired. Sevilla v Leicester is rather more novel, for the fact that Sevilla aren’t doing this in the Big Vase as much as the fact Leicester are here at all. And it is, when all is said and done, rather more pulse-racing than the match-ups in said Vase, whose major talking point appears to be the meeting of one expensive footballer and his much cheaper sibling. “Paul was already laughing and for sure his brother was also laughing,” was the glimpse afforded by José Mourinho into PogLife.
If golden eras had aligned, United v Saint-Étienne might have been one of those recurring Big Cup dreams come true – just like, say, Legia Warsaw v Ajax, which would once have felt like fair last-16 game on the highest stage but now just resembles a short stay of execution for somebody in the tier beneath. That’s the world we live in now, so it’s probably best not to whine overly at the broken record nature of Big Cup ties that a couple of decades of mass TV consumption has helped create and recreate. Let’s just sit back and enjoy the spectacles that unfold before us in February – and if you don’t want to know what happens next, just don’t wiki last season’s competition.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The pundits, former players most of them, forgot completely how it felt when they got criticised. Especially the Neville brothers; the one who was the manager he obviously should know that too much criticism never helps. But he is not interested in helping a Liverpool player I can imagine, but that makes the things he says not make more sense. He showed he struggled with the job to judge players so why do we let him talk about players on television?” – Jürgen Klopp’s a big fan of Gary Neville, apparently.
FIVER LETTERS
“Giddy with festive vigour, I’ve just finished my list of Top 10 Terrible Things That Happened In 2016. Your typography tinkering came in at No7. (Recognition at last, eh?) It now takes me twice as long to not read The Fiver properly” – Jamie Harper.
“I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s letter from a group of old white men complaining that a group of old white men are in charge of the Vatican and that the Pope is Catholic” – Noble Francis.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Noble Francis.
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
The Old Trafford boo boys are wasting their time by heckling Marouane Fellaini, reckons Phil Jones. “It is disappointing but he is a strong boy. He is mentally strong to cope with that, don’t worry,” Jones blootered.
Slaven Bilic has spoken of his grief following the twin bomb attack that killed 38 and injured more than 160 outside Besiktas’s stadium on Saturday night. The former Besiktas manager said: “It is very sad what is happening in one of the best cities and one of the best countries. The people are so warm and friendly and it is tearing me apart. Big condolences to the families of the victims.”
Three former chairmen are among the elderly white men claiming the FA is run by elderly white men and calling for government reform to the governing body. But Arsène Wenger thinks they should board the Do One Express. “Football and politics should not deal together,” he parped. “There should be no government intervention, no legislation.”
Ronald Koeman reckons everybody at Everton is under-performing, which seems a bit harsh on prolific programme sellers, jaunty mascots and dutiful stewards.
Ctrl C and Ctrl V’s Henrikh Mkhitaryan should be fit for Manchester United’s boxing day clash with Sunderland after picking up ankle-knack against Spurs. “It looks like next match no but it looks like it is nothing dangerous or needing surgery, so hopefully we will have Micki [on] Boxing Day,” cooed José Mourinho.
And conservative legislators in Washington state have proposed a bill that would allow fans to bring guns into stadiums. Hmmm.
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STILL WANT MORE?
Gary Lineker won the Golden Boot at a World Cup but he didn’t even make the top three in the 1986 Sports Personality of the Year awards. Steven Pye on Spoty’s presenter and other unlucky losers.
Fragrant Italian Serie A commentary as Paolo Bandini looks back at the weekend’s clash between Torino and Juventus. And much else.
Antonio Conte made flatulant noises when told Chelsea may be punished for the brawl at the end of their game with Manchester City, but it’s no joke. Dominic Fifield explains why.
Ten tablets of footballing wisdom right here.
In real football news, Jeremy Alexander explains why there’s no place like Home Park as Plymouth Argyle head back to the top of League Two.
Vote! Vote! Vote! Have your say on which clubs are for the quarter-finals and which are destined for the Big Cup door marked Do One.
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