Cultural differences are supposed to be sweet, right? Tomayto, tomahto, aww. And isn’t it cute how Australians add “o” to every name: Steve-o, Mark-o? But there are some things that are so sacred that no deviation from the norm will be tolerated. And for British people, that thing is punctuality. No one is having a laugh about punctuality. Trust me, I’ve tried. I am British, but also Asian and from a heritage where time is much more fluid. We even have a term for it: Indian Stretchable Time, a play on Indian Standard Time.
Apparently, for most British people, it’s “disrespectful” to arrive a bit late to something in which your being late makes absolutely no difference, to anyone. I’m not talking about missing flights, or coming in late to a theatre; and I understand that a minute late in some people’s line of work is a minute where someone else must work for two. All those things are manifestly wrong. But who cares if I miss happy hour? I’m the one who has to pay double; haven’t I been punished enough?
People assume that lateness is born from an arrogant and thoughtless streak, but my lateness is 100% a product of optimism. I am optimistic about traffic. I am optimistic about how quickly I can get all my work done. I am just a sunny-side-up kind of person being trampled on by the negative punctuality police.
I’ve been thinking about my new nephew, growing up in sunny Sydney. If he grows up to be late, too, isn’t he just being his true (and, dare I say it, his brown) self? I don’t want him to suffer as I have with the scowls and the tuts, the passive aggression. So I am going to bestow upon him this choice piece of wisdom, learned over years at the coalface: just lie.
Lie through your teeth. When they ask you why you were late, don’t be honest. Don’t tell them, as I have done, that you underestimated the snooze time, or you just plain forgot things started at six. Tell your friends the trains were late, allowing them to complain about transport, which they love. Placate them with tall tales of the things you had to overcome to be there – car breakdowns, police cordons, the Queen’s jubilee flotilla – and see their anger give way to gratitude and awe. Show that you understand their ways, and that you respect them. Then you’ll be an adult, too.
