Dear Ismael,
Growing up I didn’t have a lot of friends. It wasn’t until my mid 20s (usually the age when you finally find yourself) when I started to open up and make more friends and reunited with others.
Now, I have a few different friend groups and it’s wonderful! Some are from out of town and others still live in the same small town. Some are friends I’ve known since high school and others I met in college, work, etc. It’s great to be connected online or through text, but it’s even better to be around each other in person.
When I was getting married last year, I had some events prior to the big day where my friends from out of town and friends in town came together and it was great, or so I thought. They don’t hate each other or anything (thank goodness) but the vibes were off. So my question is, what is the proper etiquette when it comes to hanging out with friends in town and out to town for big life events?
I usually like to choose friends I don’t see all the time vs. those I see all the time and they understand. But when it comes to a party or a big get-together, how do I mesh two different groups of friends and manage a good amount of time with each of them?
— Mixing in South Texas
Dear Chicago,
OK, yes. This person isn’t from here — but I am, and I think plenty of other Chicagoans have dealt with this issue, too. So, here goes some national advice.
Dear Mixing,
Just like how we gravitate to different group chats depending on the gossip, we need a diverse group of friends who will understand us best in certain situations.
It can be for something silly, like you thinking about an immature joke that only your middle school best friend will understand. Or something more serious, like when you’re campaigning for a promotion and need your work best friend to hype you up.
A true friend will understand there are different sides to you and your life they can’t always be present for, and should be happy there are others you can lean on. Keep that in mind next time you think a friend might be upset you aren’t giving them your undivided attention.
You did the right thing by prioritizing your out-of-town friends over the ones you could easily see the Tuesday after your party. But when it comes to managing your time between friends to keep everybody happy, realize that’s unrealistic to accomplish on your own. Your friends need to be good sports, too.
The best-case scenario is for our friends to make an effort and get to know each other. You can facilitate that by giving them time to bond without you being around. Sit them close to each other, and not next to a random uncle or a crying baby at the wedding reception.
Remember they already have something in common: you.
Sometimes, however, whether someone likes or dislikes somebody else is beyond our control.
So, if you’re the host, acknowledge your friends, express gratitude toward their attendance and let the magic of natural social interaction happen. If you’re a guest with an opinion, keep those sassy eye rolls to yourself and live in peace with others for a few hours. Do it for your friend.
From what you’ve told me, you seem like a selfless person, so I feel OK about giving you this selfish tip: The only feelings that matter are yours — especially on your wedding day. If you feel like you did everything you could to create a friendly environment, that should be enough.
Write to Someone in Chicago at someoneinchicago@suntimes.com.
