LUIS AND LUIZ
It’s been a magical 12 months of high achievement for the £50m-rated footballer David Luiz. Last summer, he embarked on a selfless quest to relieve Brazil of the pain of the Maracanazo, which had nagged away at the national consciousness since the 1950 World Cup. And after performing one simple contemporary dance routine in Belo Horizonte, 64 years of pain were washed away in 29 minutes, as approximately 202,000,000 Brazilians completely forgot about Moacir Barbosa, Alcides Ghiggia et al forever, and started to consider another subject altogether, and in some depth too. Job done! Then there was his goal for Paris Saint-Germain against Chelsea, which he celebrated quite wildly, and no wonder, as he had joined the highly select and illustrious band to have achieved this feat in recent times against the parsimonious Londoners, lining up alongside the likes of Jon Stead, Ahmed Elmohamady and Ben Mee. And then … well, that’s about it. But that’s some top-class success right there! Some real good achieving.
But the crazy run of triumph couldn’t last. Something had to give. And last night disaster struck in PSG’s Big Cup quarter-final against Barcelona. David Luiz opted to spend the evening running around with his legs splayed so wide he would make Ian Brown from the Stone Roses look like a ballet dancer mid-pirouette. This bandy opportunity was soon clocked by the wily Luis Suárez, who slipped the ball between David Luiz’s legs on two separate occasions, each humiliation the precursor to a stunning goal. “I had to nutmeg [him] twice because there was nothing else I could do, it was the last option for me,” shrugged Suárez, a cheeky grin playing across his face, almost as though folk from Uruguay really, really, really get off on making Brazilians look extremely daft.
David Luiz can at least take heart from the support he received from his mother, who should have taken a deep breath and shut down the computer, but instead posted the following ramble on Instagram: “I have a son and I always will! His head held high, with a ball at his feet. God knows everything! Jesus is fighting for us until this day and yet we still have people who judge! Who are we to judge you! I will always love you after the good games, and even more after those that don’t go well!” He will also have been buoyed by the hearty cheer he received from the Parc des Princes faithful, although that, signally, was only heard when he trotted on to the pitch, and not when he left it, two balls and one tail between his legs later. But a cheer is a cheer is a cheer, and it’s probably best to concentrate on the positives regarding this one.
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Join Scott Murray from 8.05pm BST for MBM coverage of Wolfsburg 3-1 Rafa’s Rag-tag Neapolitans.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
2 January 2014: “It is a fantastic challenge. Cardiff are ready to take the next step up. I hope I can help them. I’ve always dreamt of being a manager in the Premier League and I’m delighted to get the opportunity” – Ole Gunnar Solskjaer living the dream at Cardiff.
16 April 2015: “It’s just fun to be able to contribute a little” – Ole Gunnar Solskjaer recalibrating the dream after taking on one-day-a-week coaching duties at Norwegian second-tier club Kristiansund BK.
DEDICATION’S WHAT YOU NEED
“I’ll carry on following Reading until I can’t do it any more. Do you think I’ll still be doing this at 100? I hope so.” Meet the 93-year-old whose dislike of Arsenal dates to the 1920s, writes Russell Kempson.
FIVER LETTERS
“May I be the first of 1,057 to point out that one searches for existential meaning in Excel spreadsheets, not documents (yesterday’s Fiver). Although we may not find meaning in them merely squinting at them all day is meaning enough. Yes I am an accountant” – Jack Fowler (and no other accountants).
“Re: Mark Ridley having bought 24 rotten eggs (is this a subtle comment on the poor state of the UK food industry?), and heading over to Fiver Towers to lob them at their windows owing to their massive incompetence (yesterday’s Fiver letters). He should be very careful, this could turn into more than a full-time job for him” – Craig Hills.
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RECOMMENDED VIEWING
“At the peak of my career, no top club would touch me.” Pat Nevin gets his chat on with Barry Glendenning.
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BITS AND BOBS
Labour’s Andy Burnham has called for fresh investigation into the Valley Parade disaster following revelations about the club’s former chairman’s history with major fires. “I have always felt that the original Popplewell inquiry was conducted with undue haste,” he said.
Arsène Wenger is a bit miffed that nobody will be watching Arsenal 4-0 Reading in the FA Cup because it clashes with Chelsea 1-1 Manchester United. “Something should be done about it,” he sniffed, as The Fiver pondered how to break the news that the following weekend’s clash with the Blues coincides with Swashbuckle on CBeebies.
Dougie Freedman has inked a new two-year deal at Nottingham Forest. “I have signed the contract which [the chairman] sent me and I have sent it back,” confirmed Freedman, pointing out the mechanical specifics of contract renewals.
Dante’s mum better get busy preparing a humiliating defence of her son after Franz Beckenbauer gave him a verbal shoeing for his shambling display in Big Cup last night. “Were he from Iceland, or from the north pole, then I would say he still had his ski boots on … terrible,” clamoured Franz.
Southampton’s Nathaniel Clyne is tip-toeing towards the exit at St Mary’s. “We hope one day we will compare to the big clubs, but that’s difficult. We know our level,” sighed Ronald Koeman.
Dagenham and Redbridge’s Joss Labadie has been banned for six months for getting his laughing gear into the hand of Stevenage defender Ronnie Henry. It’s not the first time he’s been liberal with his gnashers, having been banned for 10 games last season for taking a taste of Chesterfield’s Ollie Banks.
And Bafétimbi Gomis has been ruled out for month with hamstring-twang, or the rest of Swansea’s season if you’d prefer this final bob to sound a bit more dramatic.
STILL WANT MORE?
“The darkness fell with such speed – it was too black, there was nothing.” In the second extract from his new book Fifty-Six: The Story of the Bradford Fire, Martin Fletcher recalls in detail the events of 11 May 1985, when 56 people lost their lives in the Bradford City fire, including four members of his family.
Premier League managers: ranked. Paul Wilson dons his tin hat.
Quiz time! Identify the player from their family member’s strident defence. It’s topical and everything.
Farewell Jürgen, you heavy-metal-loving, joy-spreading, zesty, audacious swine you, writes Andy Brassell, more or less, in this blog about his impending departure from Dortmund.
Luis Suárez didn’t just open up David Luiz to ridicule last night, he left a Luis Suárez-shaped impression on Big Cup, whoops Dominic Fifield.
Supporters Direct celebrates a growing list of fan ownership success stories, cheers Nick Ames.
“This animation is so realisitic!” Emlyn Hughes shills his 1989 Commodore 64 game in this week’s Classic YouTube.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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