A(NOTHER) TALE OF TWO CITIES
It’s been a week of seismic shocks in sport. A British man who isn’t fated to be bagelled by Novak Djokovic in the final has reached the last four of the Australian Open. Ronnie O’Sullivan didn’t win the Masters snooker, bad news for those of us who like to watch rocket-fuelled century breaks, good news for anyone whose teeth are set on edge by desperate phlegm-rattling bellows of CAHMONRONEEEE from members of the audience whose ability going forward to pay the mortgage may be seriously compromised by the book they’ve been running down the drinker. And in the football on Monday night, there was a classic for fans of cognitive dissonance, as Southampton supporters tried to balance the sight of Virgil van Dijk turning into Dejan Lovren II with the view of Swansea City coming up hard in the rear-view mirror.
But Tuesday’s events could trump them all, should Bristol City somehow manage to become only the third team this season to beat Manchester City, following Shakhtar Donetsk and Dejan Lovren I’s Liverpool. A 1-0 win would see the Championship side through to the final of Three-Handled Tin Pot on away goals, but only after extra-time; a 2-1 victory after 120 minutes would require them to slap home a few penalty kicks; a 4-0 win after 90 would for goodness sake come on! Having said that, anything is possible, not least when you consider how well the Bristolians played in Manchester a fortnight ago. Lee Johnson’s side went toe to toe with Pep Guardiola’s rabble from the off, forcing the likes of Eliaquim Mangala and John Stones to revert to Keystone Pictures Studio type. The Robins came within 90 seconds of a more-than-creditable draw, so expect a similarly cavalier approach at Ashton Gate, and with it the very real possibility of some more golden-age-of-Hollywood slapstick combined with pathos.
“I’d rather fail bold than fail timid,” explains Johnson. “We don’t want to be brave losers. For this team to beat Man City, it would rank as one of the best results in the club’s history. They’ll go down in folklore!” Stirring rhetoric, with the modern-day Robins aiming to go one better than their Tin Pot semi-finalists of 1970 and 1989, reaching the club’s first major showpiece since the 1909 FA Cup final. The speech was only a little bit spoilt by Johnson needlessly adding: “For me and the club, the Premier League is the dream.” Silly old Fiver, getting long in the tooth, with its traditional view that big days out and trophies are what fans really crave. Nevertheless, please let us take this opportunity to scream CAHMONBRISTOLCITEEEE. We’re usually scrupulously neutral on all matters, so apologies to all Citizens for this aberration; it’s just that we’ve been offering generous odds down our local on Pep’s lads completing the quadruple, and have suddenly realised that should they manage it, we’ll be getting evicted come the end of May.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TONIGHT
Join Scott Murray at 7.45pm GMT for hot MBM coverage of Bristol City 1-2 Manchester City (agg: 2-4).
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I don’t know. I don’t do the jerseys. Do you want me to do everything?” – Brisbane Roar boss John Aloisi draws the line at taking the blame for his side’s flamin’ shirt numbers peeling off, which led to players having to leave the field and get them taped back on during their Asian Big Cup defeat by plucky Filipinos Ceres-Negros.
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FIVER LETTERS
“It was always a pleasure to hear Jimmy Armfield on the radio. Knowledgeable, intelligent and respectful, he had that wonderful skill of all great old-school broadcasters (Richie Benaud being a classic example): knowing to keep quiet when he had nothing so say. It is sad to think that he is succeeded by the likes of Robbie Savage, who – by that last criterion – ought to remain permanently silent. If that represents ‘progress’, then it is definitely time to STOP FOOTBALL!” – John Caley.
“Since Robert Darby (Monday’s Fiver letters) took the trouble to tell Stoke their title hopes were still alive, I thought I might offer further encouragement. Since Stoke’s hopes rest on Manchester City losing all their remaining games, logically their goal difference must decrease. Therefore 4.5 goals per game (possibly less) will be enough for Stoke to mow them down” – Tim Scanlan (and many other amateur mathematicians).
“In relation to Monday’s laboured Fiver analogy of a slightly less shiny sun understudy, I would propose a red dwarf. As any astronomer could tell you, red dwarfs are considerably redder and smaller than our own star, with a tendency to eject charged particles. Seems a fitting analogy for a certain Everton striker” – Paul Thomas.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … John Caley.
THE RECAP
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RECOMMENDED LOOKING
David Squires on … The Class of 92’s expanding empire.
BITS AND BOBS
Manchester United are still the filthiest rich of the world’s filthy rich clubs, while 14 of the top 30 are from the Premier League thanks to regular downpours of TV cash.
Aaron Lennon has moved up a place in the Premier League table after joining Burnley from Everton.
Chris Powell has filled the Phil Brown-shaped hole in the Roots Hall dugout after signing a Southend contract until 2020.
Meanwhile, MK Don’t Say The Dons have wedged former England U-16s manager Dan Micciche into Robbie Nielson’s old seat.
Inter will give headwear salesman Daniel Sturridge the chance to be a footballer again if Liverpool accept their loan offer.
International relations expert Kenedy is a successful tuck jump and cough for the doctor away from completing a loan move from Chelsea to Newcastle.
Very loud post-rockers and fairweather Football Weekly listeners Mogwai have sponsored the kit of St Roch’s primary school in Roystonhill. “They look amazing. We can’t thank you enough,” trilled a school tweet.
Joey Barton reckons the FA would have to ban half of all players because loads of them are as naughty as he was and regularly break betting rules. “I think 50% of the playing staff would be taken out [banned], because it’s culturally ingrained,” he sniffed.
And Ross County have signed 2010’s David Ngog. “Having worked with him before at Bolton, I am all too familiar with his qualities,” cheered Staggies boss Owen Coyle.
STILL WANT MORE?
“Quiet, thoughtful and good.” Gordon McQueen pays tribute to Jimmy Armfield.
Who has done better out of the Sánchez-Mkhitaryan deal? Big Website scribes set their opinions loose.
Suzanne Wrack’s weekly column on women’s football explains why the Lady Black Cats feel left out in the cold after Sunderland offered Hartlepool the chance to use training facilities not open to them.
Steven Pye jumps into his DeLorean and winds the clock back to 1989 – a time when Brian Clough came between Bristol City and the Fizzy Cup final.
And if like The Fiver you thought the Nations League was a new Marvel film starring that big-boned bloke who was once in Swingers, then you’d better read this by Nick Ames.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
