Dec. 11--Q: A co-worker at an office party tells you something way too personal, which could affect your work relationship. How best to handle this?
"It's great that this co-worker was so trusting and felt close enough to you to divulge some deep, dark secret ... even if the catalyst was probably too much free white wine at the office Chrismukkah party. To not receive this information graciously has potential to make your working relationship even more awkward, so this scenario needs to be handled delicately. If it's an overshare with a gross-out factor, it can be OK to revert back to middle school, cup your ears with your hands and sing, 'La, la, la!' and run away before she can get into the nitty-gritty details.
"If it doesn't directly affect you, withhold judgment. Most of us spend 80 percent of our day with the people we work with. That's more time than you spend with your family, significant others or best friends. It's easy to understand why someone would feel relaxed with you. Take it as a compliment, be a good friend, but if you feel uncomfortable with the content of the discussion, let them know that this has reached TMI levels.
"If the details directly involve work -- perhaps you find out he's making double your salary for the same position or he divulges that he's sleeping with your boss -- this is something you'll likely have to deal with, especially if you feel you're being treated unfairly at work. When in doubt, be honest and communicate. And usually, deal with the ramifications another day (when no one is tipsy from the punch bowl)."
-- Laura Lane and Angela Spera, authors of "This Is Why You're Single" and the podcast of the same name
"If the co-worker has divulged actions that are illegal or unethical, it's important that you encourage him or her to report the actions and take responsibility, or be clear that you will. Your own integrity is critical, and depending on the issue, you could also be held responsible if you are aware of it and do not own up.
"If the colleague has divulged something work-related on which she or he is struggling, I would encourage you to reframe the sharing as constructive. Asking for, providing and receiving help are powerful ways to build relationships and strengthen our work together. Talk through the issue, empower him or her to solve it, and offer appropriate support.
"If the co-worker has shared something in their nonwork life that feels personal, I would also encourage you to challenge your own thinking on what 'too personal' means. The best work relationships are those in which we can each bring more of ourselves to work. Increasing transparency and expanding the limits of what we can share with others is often a good thing and enhances our positive feelings of connection. When a colleague shares something with you, it's a gift that they've entrusted you with, and your opportunity is to support them and foster openness.
"Finally, know your limits. Sometimes too personal is indeed just too personal, and in that case, I recommend honesty. Be direct that you're not comfortable with the issue, reinforce how you value him or her despite not wanting to talk about that issue, and gently redirect the conversation to something that is more within your limits."
-- Dr. Tracy Brower, sociologist and author of "Bring Work to Life by Bringing Life to Work: A Guide for Leaders and Organizations" (Bibliomotion)
