Sept. 18--Q: A good friend keeps wanting to set up her brother or sister with you. You love your friend. You do not want to date the sibling. But you're not dating anybody at the moment. How do you handle this?
"Because you love this friend, you need to acknowledge that the friend is trying to help you. Perhaps you've been talking about how lonely you are, or there are other clues that you want a relationship -- or maybe it's the sibling who is lonely. Your friend loves both of you and has a difficult time understanding that that's not a good reason for you and the sibling to like each other.
"If you haven't met the sibling, it's worthwhile to just meet him or her. Tell your friend to invite you both to coffee or lunch, to take the 'blind date' pressure off. If you already know the sibling and are sure you don't want to date that person, you need to gently tell your friend that you appreciate the offer but you don't think it's right for you. Perhaps suggest another person the sibling could meet, if that seems right to you.
"If you're firm but gentle, your friend might be disappointed, but he or she will adjust. Say something like: 'Thank you. I know you care about both of us, and I appreciate that you want to help, but I am not interested right now, and I don't want to hurt your sibling's (use his or her name) feelings.'"
-- Dr. Tina B. Tessina, psychotherapist and author of many relationship books
"This is a tricky situation, but honesty is the best policy. In cases like this, I always suggest using the 'bad news sandwich,' where you first say something positive, then deliver the bad news, then close with saying something else positive.
"So, in this case, I'd suggest saying, 'Wow! I'm really flattered you think your brother/sister and I should go out. I think he/she is really awesome and so ____ (fill in some positive and, importantly, believable adjective here, like smart, cute or funny). I'm just not sure we'd be the best match, and things could get kind of weird for all of us if it didn't work out. He/she really is a great guy/girl, though, and anyone would be lucky to go out with him/her.' Then, I might consider suggesting someone else whom the friend could set the sibling up with."
-- Julie MacEvoy, assistant professor at the Boston College department of counseling, developmental and educational psychology with expertise in child psychology and friendships
Social Graces is a weekly series asking two experts for advice on awkward situations.
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