So the Archers reaches episode 15,000 and heaven only knows what the Herefords are going to make of the state of affairs at Brookfield. Once home to Ambridge's most solid marriage, the wheels have come off David and Ruth's relationship - and how. The reappearance of David's old flame, posh Sophie (boo!), meant a neglected Ruth sought solace in the shit-spattered arms of herdsman Sam.
After much humming and hawing - not to mention whimpering and smooching in the barn - Ruth and Sam are off to Oxford to consummate their relationship. (Why Oxford, I have no idea.) As Usha, Ruth's confidante and Ambridge's only Asian resident pointed out to her yesterday, "Once you sleeps with Sam, there'll be no going back." Well, only if they lose the road atlas. As Margo Channing says in All About Eve, "Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night."
19.02pm So Ruth's just about to leave and there's no sign of Pip. She's gone shopping, apparently. Ruth is most disappointed her daughter isn't around to kiss goodbye before she nips off to get her ankles behind her ears. (Selfish Pip!) At least Josh and Ben are there. They even give her a homemade card, with a picture of her on the front. No word if she's wearing a scarlet letter in the drawing.
"Go with a clear conscience and if you have a good time, you can do it more often," says David. Oh dear.
Meanwhile, the advance party - which is to say, Sam - is in the hotel, registering under his own name. (Clearly, he's an amateur at this sort of thing.) The receptionist of unidentified, though definitely foreign, origins directs him to room 108 on the first floor. How unromantic. I bet it's got a view of the air conditioning units to boot.
Back at Brookfield, Pip is chatting away. My, how she's grown. David wants Pip to milk with him (is this a heretofore unmentioned incest storyline, we wonder?) Meanwhile, Ruth is waiting to get on the ring road. The traffic's solid. Much like Sam, we imagine. He seems very eager. "Everything will be ready and waiting for you," he says. It sounds more like a threat than a promise. "I love you," Sam says. Ruth doesn't return the declaration.
On the farm, David and Pip are deep in conversation. Does Equity know? David assures Pip he and Ruth aren't splitting up, that they love each other. What a shmuck.
Sam, meanwhile, is getting weirder and weirder. He calls Ruth again: "Just think what's waiting for you." A great big shag, one presumes. "I've got champagne," he says, forgetting Ruth is more of a Newcastle Brown girl. The more insistent Sam gets, the less keen Ruth seems.
Ruth gets a message from Pip, who is all sweetness and light. She must be pleased her mother has left Borsetshire. If she gets paid by the word, Pip'll be quids in tonight.
19.10pm Back at Brookfield, David is making the kids tea and telling bad jokes, unaware his whole life is a joke. (You loser!) "Is this what it's going to be like all evening?" pleads Pip. I'm afraid so, love. In order to contrast with your mother's deviousness, we need a scene of domestic bliss back at the ranch.
Now Ruth's started doing her heavy breathing again. She wants Sam to come down to the car. Does she fancy a bit of dogging in the car park?
Oh-oh. She's sorry. Really sorry. She can't. She's changed her mind. Oh heavens. She can't deceive David and the kids. She's lied more in the last two weeks than in the previous 18 years. She still loves Sam, but she can't be with him. She can't go through with it.
Well, that's just BLOODY MARVELLOUS. Talk about being led on. That's a real anti-climax.
Of course, this can't be the end of it, can it? Those Archers producers are a heartless lot. Remember they set fire to Grace Archer as a diversionary tactic when ITV launched in 1955? Ruth may just have jumped out of the frying pan.
