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The Guardian - UK

Sport

Nick Miller

So, no more Sepp. Or, at least, in theory there’s no more Sepp

A power vacuum, earlier. — A power vacuum of sorts, earlier. Photograph: Valeriano Di Domenico/AFP/Getty Images

BLATT’S ALL, FOLKS. OR IS IT?

And just like that, he’s gone. When Fifa called a press conference on Tuesday, most people expected it would be for Sepp Blatter to announce some spurious vanity project, or throw some unsuspecting (and preferably already dead) minion under the bus, or to confirm that yes, John Goodman would be starring as Chuck Blazer in the much-anticipated sequel United Passions II: This Time … Oh, This Time Everyone’s In Jail For All That Enormous Fraud. But no! Arch showman that Sepp is (even to the point that – like other great entertainers of our age Morrissey, Kylie and Tiffany – he is now known only by one name), he announced that he would be stepping aside as football’s top dog, its head honcho, the man who, if we’re all honest, we like to call Daddy. Don’t we? Come on, admit it. No? Nobody? Oh, OK, well, obviously we were just joking. Definitely just joking. Definitely.

At first it seemed, as Sepp gave his speech in some sort of foreign language (Esperanto, we think, bit sketchy on the details), as if a rogue interpreter was just messing with us all, teasing us with the possibility that this might be it, that it could really be all over and Sepp would be disappearing into the light, consciously uncoupling himself from Fifa for the first time in 40 years. Because it couldn’t be real, right? But it was! It happened! It’s true! He really did announce that he was going to waltz through the exit door and kiss goodbye to that Nobel Peace Prize that he so coveted, and surely had in the bag if he’d managed to stick it out for just a little bit longer!

So, no more Sepp. Or, at least, in theory there’s no more Sepp. For The Fiver is left with the nagging sensation that this isn’t really the end, that this is all a ruse and not only will he never leave, but he’ll never die either, destined to be in the job for eternity. After all, it’s not like we don’t have recent, painful evidence of a comedic yet hated figure confirming he would be stepping down, only to alarm but in no way surprise everyone by turning up a few days later. A Farageian resurrection could be on the cards.

And he won’t be going anywhere for a while, with the suggestion that it could be as late as March next year before the next man or woman is installed, and in the meantime Sepp is very much sticking around, rather chillingly confirming now that he is “free from the constraints that elections inevitably impose, I shall be able to focus on driving far-reaching, fundamental reforms that transcend our previous efforts”. Perhaps Sepp thought his statement was less a resignation and more a call to arms, waiting for his loyal subjects to rally round and demand he stays, only to look out at a sea of shoe-ward glances and a roomful of people suddenly desperately interested in a speck of dust on their hand.

Still, let us for the moment assume he’s off. The thing about a boogeyman like Sepp is that, with him around, you know where you are. You know what he is, and you can hate him in a pure, uncomplicated manner. There’s certainty and comfort in that, because who doesn’t like to hate a little every now and then? The problem now is uncertainty. We don’t know what or who is next. Could they be worse? Might they be better? Will they be a disconcerting grey area, someone who presents the good and the bad in a way that makes it impossible to take a firm opinion?

The list of potential successors is already longer than Jack Warner’s list of [Snip! Fiver Lawyers], with Michel Platini, Prince Ali Bin al-Hussein, Luis Figo, Senes Erzik, Ted Howard, David Gill, The Fiver’s former colleague Zico (announcing his intentions on Facebook, natch), Greg Dyke, Vladimir Putin, Weird Uncle Fiver, Mike Ashley, David Letterman, Swampy the eco protestor, George Galloway (he bloody stands for every other election), deceased comedian Andy Kaufman, Josiah Bartlet and David Ginola all thought of as candidates. And who can tell if any of those will be more palatable than Sepp? And, perhaps worse, who knows whether we’ll be able to hate them with as much certainty and fervour as we do Sepp? Will we end up looking back on the Sepp years as a golden age?

Well, no, probably not. But it’s something to talk about for a bit.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“You feel it all the time. You carry it with you, it never leaves you. You don’t just remember it every 10 years or 20 years. It is with you and, sometimes, you think about it. It is part of you. The final in Brussels was a defeat for everybody on all levels. I don’t count it as a winners’ medal in any way” – Marco Tardelli opens up about the Heysel disaster in this revealing chat with David Hytner.

In Como, with Marco Tardelli. Photograph: Roberto Ponti

FIVER LETTERS

“Your mention of Sir Stanley Rous (yesterday’s Fiver) brought back wonderful memories. I attended the England v Argentina quarter final of the 1966 World Cup – a rather rugged affair. The Argentinian captain, Rattin (not sure he ever had a Christian name), was eventually sent off, after a couple of low blows. The Argentinian team then surrounded the referee to point out the error of his ways. Things were getting out of hand when up strode Sir Stanley to sort out these foreign hooligans. He laid a hand on, presumably, an Argentinian shoulder. The owner turned round and clocked him one. Sir Stanley promptly retreated to the posh seats. We knew how deal with presidents of Fifa in those days” – Mike Rayner.

“[Snip Snip Snip Snip Snip Snip Snip Snip – Fiver Lawyers]. There you go, I have saved you the bother” – Chris Steele.

“May I be the first of 1,057 pedants to point out that Newcastle United would not have paid extra roaming costs to sack Taylor and Gutiérrez in an international call (yesterday’s Fiver letters). Roaming costs are incurred by the people who are actually overseas. So Newcastle United would only have saved money if they paid the players’ phone bills. And do we think someone as careful with the pennies as Mike Ashley would make such a schoolboy error? No, me neither. More to the point, you’re not roaming if you’re in Northern Ireland. Though you might be roving” – Rhidian Williams (and 1,056 others).

• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Mike Rayner.

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BITS AND BOBS

When The Fiver heard that FA bright sparks have charged Jack Wilshere with misconduct in the wake of Arsenal’s Cup parade, it hoped this was due to his get-up that day. But no, it’s due to the bad word he uttered about Spurs. For shame, FA, for shame.

A tearful Rafa Benítez has taken over as Real Madrid coach on a completely irrelevant three-year contract. “It’s an emotional day returning here to my home,” he blubbed. “I have a good technical team behind me and I hope things go well, that we win titles and the team plays well.”

After meeting with FSG representatives in Liverpool city centre – presumably for a cheeky Nando’s or some such – Brendan Rodgers has ended up still in the manager’s job at Anfield.

Adam Johnson will face trial on 24 August after denying three charges of sexual activity with a girl under 16 in his first appearance at Durham crown court.

And Swansea midfielder Leon Britton may be forced to look elsewhere for gainful first-team employment. “I’m not complaining because there are other players who haven’t played as much as they would have wanted,” he parped, before doing just that. “But if they take my place in the squad, I am going to be training all week and then running round the training ground on my own on a Saturday, and that’s not what I want at my age. I said to the manager that I can’t do another season not playing.”