Of course, everyone can schedule a festival better than the organisers. We all know group x should have been in a tent, while group y should have been on an outdoor stage, and that group z should have had the sunset slot in front of a big audience, not playing at noon to 11 people, an ocean of litter and a dog dressed inexplicably as a jester.
But there is a rhyme and reason to everything – your acoustic troubador might be the right act to follow the gruesome noiseniks, and that grizzled veteran might, despite having been held in contempt for decades, have exactly the right songs for a mildly drunk late-afternoon audience to sing along to. All that is why festival line-ups are (not yet) compiled according to algorithms.
That hasn’t stopped us applying algorithms to this year’s Glastonbury line-up, though. Below you’ll find the listings for three big stages – the Pyramid, the Park and the Other – with lines scrawled through most of the acts to present a rejigged running order. The new line-up is how Glastonbury would have looked if it had been programmed according to the number of listens each act has had on Spotify during 2015, from information supplied by the streaming firm. Poor Super Furry Animals, who thought they were headlining the Park stage on Sunday, find themselves tumbling down to a mid-afternoon slot; James Bay replaces Florence + the Machine as a Pyramid Stage headliner, while Kanye gets bumped from his spot, too – for another young Englishman with an acoustic guitar. In fact, across three days and three stages, only 10 acts remain in their allotted slots …
Pyramid stage
Friday
Florence + the Machine James Bay
Motörhead Florence + the Machine
Mary J Blige
Alabama Shakes
James Bay Chronixx
Chronixx Motörhead
Saturday
Kanye West George Ezra
Pharrell Williams Kanye West
Paloma Faith
Burt Bacharach Pharrell Williams
George Ezra Courtney Barnett
The Waterboys
Courtney Barnett The Unthanks
The Unthanks Burt Bacharach
Sunday
The Who Hozier
Paul Weller Alt-J
Alt-J The Who
Lionel Richie Paul Weller
Patti Smith Lionel Richie
Hozier Patti Smith
Songhoy Blues
Other stage
Friday
Rudimental Mark Ronson
Mark Ronson Rudimental
The Courteeners Jungle
The Vaccines
Jungle Everything Everything
Catfish and the Bottlemen The Courteeners
Everything Everything The Cribs
The Cribs Catfish and the Bottlemen
Saturday
Deadmau5 Clean Bandit
Ben Howard
The Maccabees Deadmau5
Clean Bandit Ella Eyre
Ella Eyre The Maccabees
Young Fathers Azealia Banks
Azealia Banks Frank Turner
Frank Turner Young Fathers
Swim Deep
Sunday
The Chemical Brothers Jamie T
Jamie T Belle & Sebastian
Belle & Sebastian Future Islands
Future Islands Twin Atlantic
Twin Atlantic The Chemical Brothers
Palma Violets Soak
Adam Cohen Palma Violets
Soak Rival Sons
Rival Sons Adam Cohen
Park stage
Friday
Super Furry Animals Jamie xx
Jamie xx Glass Animals
Sharon van Etten Wolf Alice
Benjamin Booker Rhodes
Wolf Alice Sharon Van Etten
Glass Animals Super Furry Animals
Shlomo Benjamin Booker
King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard Shlomo
Rhodes King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard
Saturday
Jon Hopkins Father John Misty
Spiritualized Ibeyi
Mavis Staples Jon Hopkins
Father John Misty Gaz Coombes
Kate Tempest
Gaz Coombes Eaves
Giant Sand Flo Morrissey
Ibeyi Spiritualized
Eaves Mavis Staples
Flo Morrissey Giant Sand
Sunday
Ryan Adams Rae Morris
Goat The Staves
The Fall Jack Garrett
Perfume Genius Ryan Adams
Fat White Family Perfume Genius
The Staves Denai Moore
Rae Morris Goat
Jack Garratt Fat White Family
Denai Moore The Fall
Rag’N’Bone Man
