A woman approached Snehitha, the Kudumbashree mission’s gender help desk, in the capital city seeking help for her elder child who had trouble sleeping. It turned out that her husband, an alcoholic, would not go to work. She was nagged for not bringing any dowry and subjected to domestic violence.
The woman had eloped to be with her spouse, and felt she could not return to her mother. She even tried to end her life twice. Growing up in such a toxic environment, her elder child developed problems sleeping.
Snehitha then counselled her, made her aware of her right to the house she lived in and to move legally to secure the same.
Domestic violence, including sexual violence, often fuelled by alcoholism and dowry demands, has been the bane of many women for long.
Snehitha has received 17 cases of domestic violence so far this year, while it was 85 last year. In 2019-20, it received 121 cases, and the year before that, 101.
Snehitha counsellors say dowry demands crop up even in love marriages. “Things are smooth initially, but when financial difficulties or other situations that require the need for funds crop up, woman are often faulted for not bringing any money to the marriage,” says Anitha Kumari S., a counsellor.
In one instance, the husband or his parents had no complaints, but the other family members kept taking jibes at the woman for not bringing any dowry. In another case, a woman in a love marriage who reached out to Snehitha when she realised that her husband was having an extra-marital affair, said the family repeatedly taunted her saying he could have obtained more money if he had married someone else.
At times, spousal relations appear fine, but men ignore the abuse that family members mete out to their wife. Women may also be prevented from having any social contacts by their husbands or their families.
Staying hopeful
They tend to ignore the first signs of domestic violence and stay put hoping things will improve, but even when the situation escalates, they may not tell anyone or seek outside help because they do not want to leave their husbands, feel their children may grow up fatherless or fear the public scrutiny or shame, say the counsellors.
Women may not even confide in their parents or siblings because they are told to adjust to keep the marriage intact. Girls are told from the beginning that they are to be married off and must make their home with another family. At times, parents act as if they have washed their hands off a responsibility, especially if dowry is paid. It is common for parents to tell their daughters that they are not welcome without their husbands. Women thus come under immense pressure to grin and bear it, even when horrendous sexual violence is involved, the counsellors point out.
Idea of marriage
Surya S., another counsellor, says that during discussions with Kudumbashree members, they have seen that except for a few young women in professional colleges, most do not have any clear idea of married life and what it entails.
Married women, on the other hand, feel marriages would not happen if they do not pay the dowry asked for, especially if there are others ready to shell out more than what is asked for.
However, what gives women such as Surya hope is that more women have started approaching Snehitha on their own volition, especially after a spate of dowry-related deaths in recent times.
