The best Halloween costumes are topical, tailored to your audience and not offensive. With dollar-store options often of poor quality, outdated and sometimes racist, the best course of action is to make your own.
But with 31 October falling on Monday, time is running out. Who’s got the craft glue and the initiative – not to mention the ideas?
Fortunately, recent news events provide plenty of inspiration. Let Guardian Australia help you draw the line of good taste.
GOOD: the Budgie Nine
They asked the media to respect their privacy after their ill-thought-out lads’ day at the Malaysian Grand Prix – so what better precautionary measure can there be than body-doubles all over Australia?
This is also one of the easiest and most cost-effective costumes, as budgie smugglers bearing the Malaysian flag are inexplicably but readily available at just $55 – though money can’t buy the other intrinsic component: a robust sense of entitlement.
This costume can only be carried off by a group, so perhaps put the word out among the Old Boys. Get yourselves shoes that double as a drinking vessel, be mindful of cultural differences and sensitivities that exist in other nations, and have fun!
BAD: a clown
Too hot right now – you may get arrested or, worse, assaulted by a professional who’s down on their luck.
GOOD: smashed avocado
Pulled the trigger. Leggo, Halloween #avocado pic.twitter.com/fjJ5aZVIH3
— Nicki Brower (@NickiBrower1) October 19, 2016
No it’s not too old, avocados never get old, they last and last and are good for ages. Everyone knows that.
This one also makes for an easy couples costume: you go as an avocado, cover your other half in inflated balloons. Voilà, a property bubble!
As the boomer v millennial war, you’ll dominate the conversation all night, the next day, and perhaps even the entire year. Just make sure the avocado and the inflated property market aren’t pictured together over the course of the evening. It’s one or the other, never both.
For extra effect, learn the new words to a song bound to feature on any Halloween playlist worth its salt:
They did the smash (they did the avo smash)
They did the smash (it was the Australian’s splash)
They did the smash (the market will not crash)
They did the smash (so they had avo, smashed).
BAD: blue latte
No one will get it outside of Melbourne. See also: carbohydrates on Sydney’s north shore.
GOOD: Galaxy Note 7
Now that the threat’s been neutralised, this one’s entirely appropriate to reference in a costume.
Make it a group effort with three friends dressed as cardboard boxes and another as a postal worker who’s starting to think he should get danger money. But do be careful – it’s highly flammable.
Now THATS a scary Halloween costume. The Galaxy Note 7 recall belt 😂 https://t.co/VTfBHsIhsH pic.twitter.com/fbQiyoONZT
— Michael Flarup (@flarup) October 23, 2016
BAD: Belle Gibson
The hot-pink turtleneck and high ponytail might look the picture of ruddy good health, but this turns out to be one of those flimsy costumes that will fall apart after just about a minute of wear and tear. These failings aren’t even redeemed by the elaborate back story – and you won’t get your money back.
All in all, not worth the hassle, or the associated book deal.
GOOD: renewable energy
Solar and turbines and wind, oh my! There’s nothing scarier in Canberra – prepare to empty entire rooms.
cant wait to dress up as a windmill for halloween because its never a bad time to teach people about renewable energy sources
— YA BOY BILL NYE (@yaboybillnye) May 23, 2016
But this might be one to steer clear of if you’re in South Australia; everyone will have had the same idea.
GOOD: the failed marriage equality plebiscite
At $160 million, this has to be the most expensive option on the list, and anyone with any sense will point out the obvious way you could have achieved the same effect faster and more efficiently.
But it is truly scaremongering, with the added relevance of being dead.
BAD: Pauline Hanson and Tony Abbott
Look, we get it. You’re being satirical; the party’s going to be an #auspol crowd. These two people are the scariest things in Australia, hur hur hur.
No. Not only is the spider eating the mouse obviously the scariest thing in Australia, but by assuming the form of real people with the ability to effect real policies that do real harm, you’re playing into the type of personality politics that let them get away with it.
Dressing up as Hanson and Abbott in fact acts as exposure therapy – you’re distracting from the real issues.
The only exception is the Republican presidential candidate. Halloween: the world’s last-ditch attempt to scare the US out of a Trump presidency.
with trump polling at 7% percent this halloween isnt nearly as scary as i thought it would be
— uncle jessy (@jessyjeanie) October 24, 2016
BAD: Harambe
I found my Halloween costume pic.twitter.com/vIECcnxW6D
— 🌊fugget (@avocado_news) October 9, 2016
The gorilla died on late May, after being shot when a toddler fell into his enclosure in Cincinnati zoo, but he assumed a new life on social media – and almost as prime minister of Australia. (Not really almost.)
After months of good times online – a far longer lifespan than the average meme, probably because of the whole “child’s near-death experience” thing – now, finally, he has found peace. Let him rest.
BAD: the Northern Territory pupil who dressed as Hitler for book week
Don’t ruin Halloween like this scholar of “history and politics” did book week. It’s topical and meta – but you are still dressed up as Hitler.
ALSO BAD: High Hitler
It’s topical and historically accurate – but you are still dressed up as Hitler.
REALLY BAD: Hitler
In case it didn’t go without saying.
