FERGIE CRISTINA BARCELONA
Last weekend, as The Fiver perambulated at speed through the foyer of the grand Hotel Marina Cristina in San Sebastián carrying two bathrobes, six fluffy towels and a sack containing 200 bottles of body lotion, David Moyes swept majestically down the stairs. Normally The Fiver would have stopped to chat, but a rather agitated bellhop was on our tail, ranting incoherently about the declined transfer of monies and the whereabouts of assorted toiletries and monogrammed linen. Suffice to say that as we sprinted past, in order to avoid a frightful scene with this gauche and belligerent jobsworth, we managed to ascertain that Moyes, resident in one of the plushest suites, looked bronzed, happy and healthy. Life seems to be treating him well.
Not too well, mind you. After all, he is seemingly on the verge of being sacked by Real Sociedad, who are useless, so his stay at the poshest hotel in the poshest city in Spain may soon come to an abrupt end. The Fiver knows how that feels, and commiserates. So we’re absolutely sure what he doesn’t need right now is his old pal Lord Ferg piling on the agony as well. But that’s what Fergie’s doing, having gone out of his way to make sure everyone knows Moyes wasn’t the first choice to replace him at Manchester United, in his new book Avenging Grievances For Ready Money.
“I had dinner with Pep Guardiola in New York in 2012, but couldn’t make him any direct proposal because retirement was not on my agenda at that point,” writes Fergie in a chapter headed Friction And Unhappiness Just For The Sake Of It. “I asked Pep to phone me before he accepted an offer from another club, but he didn’t and wound up joining Bayern Munich.” He also questions the decision of his eventual successor to lay off Mike Phelan. “Keeping Phelan who would have been the invaluable guide to the many layers of the club that Ryan Giggs is to Louis van Gaal today. A leader who arrives in a new setting, or inherits a big role, needs to curb the impulse to display his manhood.” Ooyah! Oof! That’s quite literally below the belt. Although in fairness to Fergie, when it comes to this week’s front-tail-related score-settling, he’s small fry compared to Lord Ashcroft. Moyes will doubtless be thankful for the distraction.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“My assistant Grant McCann led the team to produce over 500 passes per game in his short caretaker spell. We will be seeking to raise our minimum standard to beyond 600 passes per game, leading to 25-plus attempts at goal” – Graham Westley’s back, baby, and the new Peterborough manager has been quick to send a message out to fans on the club’s mailing list. Impressively, Posh have achieved this goal-attempts target once in their last 194 league and play-off games. Also impressively, it looks like Westley’s signature includes a smiley face. Yours in football …
FIVER LETTERS
“With regard to the Arsenal fans who ‘want a boycott against a particular high-street coffee chain for three games because it happens to share a name as a certain Chelsea striker’ (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). Perhaps they could go as far as Russian ice hockey team Avangard Omsk, who once had their club paint the image of a hated opponent on the stairs of their concourse so they could step on him every week. Whether this was inspired by beloved Arsenal hero Emmanuel Adebayor’s wandering boots, I’m not sure” – Chris McHugh.
“It’s the staff at Diego’s Coffee Shop and Restaurant in Studio City, California that I feel sorry for. I hope they get to keep their jobs despite the downturn in sales” – Craig Smith.
“Yesterday’s opening sentence appears to suggest The Fiver’s Italian cousin La Cinque wears a toga at the same time as hand-stitched loafers. Is this a shameless attempt to get into the fashion pages? I don’t think it’s going to end well” – Ed Taylor.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Chris McHugh.
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BITS AND BOBS
Croatia have hired former defender Josip Simunic, banned for 10 games after leading fans in a 2013 pro-N@zi singalong, to assist new national team coach Ante Cacic. “We rely on Croatian brains,” cheered chipper Croatia federation suit Davor Suker.
Turns out Arsène Wenger has been completely, utterly, totally vindicated in deciding not to sign a defensive midfielder.
Christian Benteke’s persistent hamstring-twang means Danny Ings might have to leave his comfy seat on the bench for Liverpool’s game against Aston Villa this weekend.
Possible permutation from this story:
Barcelona: Can we play Arda Turan please?
Fifa: No, you have a transfer embargo until January. We shouldn’t really have let you sign Arda in the first place, to be honest.
Barcelona: But Rafinha is knacked?
Fifa: No, you broke the rules. Plus, haven’t you got a wealth of other players to call on? And that La Masia thingy?
Barcelona. Yep. But we want to use Arda. He’s getting restless. Pleeeease?
Fifa: OK.
Eric Cantona says he plans to house and feed a refugee family in Marseille for at least two years. “My maternal grandparents were Spanish Republicans who fled Franco by crossing the Pyrenees on foot,” he said. “That being our story, it certainly played a role.”
Keylor Navas blubbed when his move from Real Madrid to Manchester United fell through and he wants the world to know about it. “I cried that night when I found out I was staying, it was a build-up of emotions. I didn’t want to leave, Madrid is my home,” he sobbed.
And England got their Euro 2017 qualifying campaign under way with an 8-0 shellacking of Estonia. “My players gave me everything and I’m so proud of them,” parped Estonia coach Keith Boanas. “I’ve told them that at times they matched full-time professionals at the peak of their fitness and technical ability but tiredness inevitably told.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Claude, Ty, jet fuel, mime, Furio Giunta … it’s all there as David Squires turns his attention to … the dark arts of Diego Costa.
Barney Ronay on why Anthony Martial is worth the hype-tinted spectacles.
It’s one big old fine mess at Borussia Mönchengladbach, reports Raf Honigstein.
Goals of the week, goals of the week, goals of the week. Goals of the week!
Tactis Tim’s gung-ho, er, tactics are costing Aston Villa, reckons Martin Laurence.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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