CRASH AND GURN
Having spent many nights during its formative years gurning in big fields surrounded by thousands of happy people, The Fiver has a certain amount of sympathy for how Phil Jones must be feeling, the day after the night before. Like-minded individuals will be familiar with the comedown we’re talking about here – a restless night’s twisting and turning is followed by an overwhelming feeling of paranoia and a horrible fear you almost certainly made a complete fool of yourself. Then, when you eventually pluck up the courage to leave the house, complete strangers are pointing and laughing at you. Of course, there the difference between The Fiver and Phil Jones tends to end, because whereas our anxiety was invariably baseless and fuelled by cheap artificial stimulants, complete strangers are actually pointing and laughing at him following Wednesday night’s comedy own goal.
While it would be markedly unfair to single out the Manchester United defender for his team’s many defensive shortcomings against Spurs, it is the image of Jones standing with his face buried in a padded strutt behind the goal into which he’d just accidentally shanked Kieran Trippier’s cross that will remain the stand-out one from Wembley.
Following their concession of an opener after just 11 seconds, Jones had put his team 2-0 down and had the air about of him of a man ready for a long beanbag slump in a darkened room listening to some classic chillout, but was forced to continue gurning and sweating and pogoing forlornly alongside team-mate Chris Smalling, while Harry Kane and Christian Eriksen tried to kill their buzz for another 62 minutes.
“The second goal was unlucky,” deadpanned José Mourinho in his post-match interview. “Jones was very unlucky. He scored a great goal, that Harry Kane would have been proud of.” Eschewing the opportunity to blame the media, match officials, random Einsteins, the Illuminati, travelling fans, the gender pay crisis at the BBC or the weather in a bid to deflect attention from his side’s many shortcomings, Mourinho further zeroed in on said shortcomings by lambasting his players for the four different errors they made in the 10-second build-up to Tottenham’s opener. “It was massive to be up early,” honked Mauricio Pochettino afterwards, still buzzing on an entirely natural high.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“The whole world is coming here. Football fields are green. Locusts love it where there is lots of green. How would they not come to the place where football is being played?” – Pyotr Chekmarev, head of the Russian agriculture ministry’s crop farming department, adds another reason to look forward to World Cup 2018. “We try to look at this with humour, can’t say anything else,” retorted organising committee chief Alexi Sorokin.
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NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
West Ham have suspended Tony Henry “pending a full and thorough investigation” after the director of player recruitment was reportedly accused of racism and unlawful discrimination.
Having watched from the sidelines as Arsenal and Chelsea got gubbed on consecutive nights, Olivier Giroud is switching focus to Big Cup and oh … “There will be two nice games against Barcelona,” he squealed. “We know their qualities and I think everybody will need to be 100% to go through.” Meanwhile, Antonio Conte reckons the Blues are overachieving, despite being routed by Bournemouth.
Ambitious Paul Lambert is feeling upbeat after Stoke’s 0-0 home draw with Watford left them one point clear of the drop zone. “I thought they were better than us in the first half but we were better than them in the second half,” he cheered.
Sepp Blatter is back, baby, and is mulling over some legal action against Fifa. “My aim is to look into the decision of Fifa’s ethics committee in view of informations, and even evidences I have received in connection with my suspension,” he tooted.
One to watch: Grimsby Town have issued a statement in which they “wish to place on record how disappointed [we] are with recent results”, while having a dig at short-termist fans: “Supporters should not underestimate the impact the current environment at Blundell Park has on the players. It does nothing to help the team.”
And new Australia coach Bert van Marwijk has asserted that he’ll do things his own flamin’ way. “I like creative football, I like to have the ball, but I also like to win,” he sniffed, none of which bodes particularly well for the World Cup.
STILL WANT MORE?
Proper Journalism’s David Conn on attempts to derail the runaway Mr 15% Express.
Club by club, deal by deal: our writers sift through the wreckage and assess how each and every Premier League club fared in the January panic arena.
It’s often hard to keep track of where big clubs’ loaned-out stars are and what they’re up to. Andreas Perreira’s doing OK though, thriving for a revitalised Valencia and revved up to face Barcelona. He gets his chat on with Sid Lowe.
Henrikh Mkhitarayan and Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang have proven chemistry together, enthuses Amy Lawrence, and can revive the kind of fast, zippy football that used to make Arsenal thrive.
Barney Ronay was left pulling his hair out at Manchester United’s midfield failings, and their worrying backline of pumpkins.
Neymar showing off, absurdly portentous match-ball carry-ons and outrageous swerving shots can be marvelled at in our latest Classic YouTube.
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