When Disney managed to transform its Pirates of the Caribbean ride into an unstoppable blockbuster, it struck upon something of a winning formula. And, because squeezing every last penny from an idea until its nothing more than an exhausted husk is the Disney way, the company is now hauling that knackered carcass to the bank.
The two, soon to be three, Pirates of the Caribbean sequels you already know about. You might have also heard about Guillermo del Toro's forthcoming adaptation of Disneyland's Haunted Mansion ride. But these films should be ready to pale into insignificance next to Disney's newest venture – a Jon Favreau-directed adaptation of the entire Disney World Magic Kingdom theme park.
The entire park. Main Street USA. Tomorrowland. Frontierland. Mickey's Toontown Square. The rides. The shops. The inescapable presence of thousands of portly, sunburnt, vocally annoyed children. The queues. The minimum-wage staff joylessly prancing around while dressed as a cartoon duck. It'll all be there and, knowing Disney, it'll make a bucketload of cash.
But while we wait and see exactly how Favreau plans to stitch together a convincing narrative from what's essentially a great big car park filled with fibreglass and burger restaurants, maybe it's time that the UK got in on the act as well. After all, not only do we have some of the world's finest actors and directors at our disposal, but also some perfectly decent theme parks and rides. Here are some films that I propose should be rushed into production as soon as possible:
Professor Burp's Bubbleworks – A heartwarming romantic comedy based on a 20-year-old Chessington World of Adventures ride. Hugh Grant plays the titular professor, a man who has dedicated his entire life to the development of world-class bubbles. But when a competing bubble manufacturer rolls into town, utilising ruthlessly cutting-edge bubble technology that threatens to undercut the Bubbleworks and put it out of business, Professor Burp has no option but to play his rivals at their own game. However, a spanner is thrown into the works when he realises that the CEO of his competitor is none other than glamorous American Meg Ryan. Will she steal his business, or his heart, or both?
Nemesis – A Cloverfield-style found footage horror film based on the Alton Towers attraction. A monster from another dimension, trapped beneath the Earth's crust for two million years, rises up and causes untold devastation to parts of Stoke-on-Trent and its outlying villages. Can our heroes, played by Rupert Grint and someone from Skins, escape the monster's clutches before it subjects them to its terrifying punishment of making them go upside down a couple of times and then charging them an unnecessarily large amount of money for a photograph of themselves?
Diggerland – The long-awaited movie adaptation of the UK's leading four-venue theme parks to be based exclusively on the mechanisms of various construction and excavation vehicles. It's essentially Transformers, except that all the robots are yellow and quite old and sort of slow and are only really useful at helping out with global emergencies that require things to be either constructed or excavated. Features a bewildering soundtrack of digger-themed Beach Boys pastiches.
Folkestone Rotunda: The Motion Picture – A film made about, and filmed on location of, Folkestone's once underwhelming and now completely derelict amusement park. Essentially the bleakest, most harrowing film you've ever seen. Contains intermittent interruptions from the distant, forlorn hoots of several half-empty cross-channel ferries.
But these can't be the only UK attractions that can be turned into films. Leave your suggestions below.
