Ministers yesterday organised a hasty series of distractions to prevent MPs embarrassing themselves by way of toadying remarks about the Windsor family wedding. Only one MP would be allowed to talk about the wedding, Speaker John Bercow was quick to decree: himself.
But the sound of Bercow congratulating the happy couple on their collective behalf was a provocation to hardcore Tory Bercow-baiters – "birthers" as they are known because they believe he was born in Hawaii, not Finchley, and is therefore not eligible to be speaker.
Chancellor George Osborne added his congrats. So did Alan Johnson, who made a nudge-nudge joke about No 10's photographer being available for weddings.
When a third Tory MP tried to link Princess Katie's future babies to the child tax fund, Bercow got faux-pompous: "References to the royal family is something to be deprecated and should not happen again," he told them. Oiks!
Thus thwarted, MPs found the non-royal distractions which followed only a qualified success. Osborne tried and failed to bully Johnson, Labour's Mr Cool, and picked instead on a smaller boy – Bercow. Boring.
Later Chris Huhne was wheeled on to apologise about the casual misuse of human tissue at Sellafield and other nuclear plants from 1955 to 1992. As such, it was not the energy secretary's fault, even he was a child of sorts in 1955.
But any kind of Lib Dem apology must be progress, good practice for when they are ready to say: "We're sorry for wanting to join the euro." Or the coalition. Huhne could not have sounded sorrier if his own tissue had been purloined.
When they next apologise, Lib Dems should take along Ken Clarke: the justice secretary is to embarrassment what garlic is to vampires. Read the Maastricht treaty? You must be joking. Stop boozing and smoking? Sod off.
Yesterday was a challenge, all the same. Why are ministers shelling out millions (£10m? £20m?) of taxpayer dosh in a secret deal to settle allegations of complicity in torture (unproven), all this just 24 hours after he slashed the legal aid budget?
Ken was brilliant. Why is he shelling out? To save taxpayers money. It would cost far more to discover whether the Gitmo detainees' claims are baseless or true – "not worth discovering" in the wider national interest, Casual Ken suggested. Time to move on, so both sides had agreed.
Obviously this was not good enough for less worldly MPs. Tories wanted to be sure that buying off the Gitmo plaintiffs does not mean their claims are true. And, if not, why pay up? Labour purists like Paul Flynn and David Winnick wanted Clarke to admit just the opposite: the claims must be true, yes?
In a rare appearance, ex-future leader, David Miliband – defendant Miliband to some – wanted the Gibson inquiry to start establishing facts – "sadly lacking up to now". Ken sounded sympathetic.
But who wants facts when they can have blame? Alas, Clarke refused to budge. Neither side in the negotiation had budged either: no withdrawal of claims, no admission of guilt. Sorry, but terms of the deal prevent him from telling MPs more. This was the best distraction of the day.
How could he guarantee that the other side would not leak the deal, MPs asked? After all, he'd just apologised for suffering MoJ leaks ("I was at dinner when I heard it was on ITN") on two successive days. "That very thought had crossed my mind too," replied the unembarrassed one.
Why not get Tony Blair to pay? It's his fault and he's made millions, suggested an angry Conservative MP with the unTory name of Kris Hopkins.
Labour MPs who dimly remember Blair cried "shame" and "git". Sod off, said Ken. Or words to that effect.
