Appearance: Not Leonardo diCaprio, let alone the Leonardo youth training programme that led to the latest European Union scandal.
With a name like Brittan he must be at the heart of Europe: You've got it in one. He is what Bill Cash would call a mad Euro-fanatic, spewing out foul propaganda on the World At One.
You mean he's vice-president of the European Commission? He was until Monday when all 20 EU commissioners were forced to resign over waste and fraud, even though Leon has never so much as nicked an office paper clip.
Right. So he and Neil Kinnock will now be signing on for Gordon Brown's New Deal for the unemployed over-fifties? Not at all. Some people think Sir Leon is about to claim his finest hour as Jacques Santer's successor in the top job.
Who thinks that? Only Leon actually. But no one has the heart to tell him the job will go to a southern European such as Romano Prodi.
Why do I half-remember Brittan's name from a distant, more glorious era? You must be over 35. He was the ambitious young Trade Secretary forced to resign from Maggie's Cabinet for leaking against Hezza during the Westland helicopter crisis way back in 1986.
What did he do wrong exactly? Not much, but the Lady needed a fall guy and Leon was short of friends.
Why? Nobody likes him except his nearest and dearest, who insist that he is shy, sensitive and almost as clever as his big brother, Sam.
You mean the world-famous economist? The same. Sam is also shy and sensitive, but widely admired around the planet as a free market guru. Revered even.
Unlike Leon? You could say that. How does ambitious shit sound? Leon used to be a Tory pinko, then became a Thatcherite and went on summer hols with the Boss. When she dropped him Maggie promised 'a return to high office'.
He's still waiting? Steady on, so is Peter Mandelson.
Thank goodness he's got William Hague rooting for him: Au contraire. Sack the lot, says Billy the Kiddie.
Things looking bleak for Leon, then? Nah, there are always jobs for clever Oxbridge QCs of flexible opinions. Expect him to emerge as vice-chairman of the Arts Council or chief executive of the Forestry Commission.
Most likely to say: 'Hi, Tony, remember me? I used to be a Geordie MP too.'
Least likely to say: 'Neil, I think you're the man to take the Commission into the new millennium.'
