Welcome to Six Nations bingo – let’s call it Singo (all rights reserved). Hopefully the following 15 key phrases and commentary-box observations will make frequent appearances over the next seven weeks. If so, the 2015 championship will be a triumph. If your card remains unmarked, it will almost certainly have been a sub-par tournament. Eyes down, here we go ...
1) “Great outside break there”
There are few better sights in the sport than a No13 on a classic arc, wrong-footed opponents scrambling to cope. Defences may be tight but if England give Jonathan Joseph a chance we may yet be in luck.
2) “Fofana! That’s sublime!”
Sometimes we spend so long pondering France’s endless inconsistency we forget they still possess some special talents. Regardless of the opposition, Wesley Fofana is an absolute joy to watch whenever he has half a yard of space.
3) “Straight down the middle again”
For about five minutes last year referees declined to allow scrum-halves to feed the ball into the second-row. Then they forgot about it and scrums reverted to a cheating competition. It would be nice if officials remembered again.
4) “No one saw this coming”
The Six Nations’ capacity for surprise is one of its consistent delights. Might Scotland shock France in Paris on the opening weekend? Could Italy’s pack catch Ireland unawares in Rome? Stranger things have happened.
5) “And now, as scheduled, the BBC News at 10”
Wales versus England is due to kick off at 8.05pm on Friday. It is not unusual nowadays, with so many video referrals and injury delays, for games to last two hours from first whistle to last. Hopefully the TMO will spare a thought for the press-box hacks sweating on deadlines ...
6) “Nigel, you may award the try”
The best referees, not least Nigel Owens, are being encouraged to be decisive rather than referring every little thing upstairs. When required, however, they also need swift, clear, concise and accurate advice from their TMOs.
7) “One more collapsed scrum and it’ll be 10 minutes in the bin for both of you”
The scrum is unquestionably the area which posing the biggest threat to the watching enjoyment of casual spectators. Too many resets and they’ll be switching over to the Big Allotment Challenge on BBC2.
8) “That’s clever thinking”
There is far too much orthodoxy around when sides get into the attacking ‘red zone’. Come on playmakers, give the dim-witted, head-down charges and formulaic kicks to the corner a rest and try something different.
9) “What an atmosphere!”
The behaviour of some spectators at Twickenham and Cardiff in November left plenty to be desired. With a World Cup looming, may Friday night’s big game in Cardiff be the first of a string of memorable occasions.
10) “There’ll be dancing in the streets of (insert name of appropriate Scottish Borders town)”
It has been a while since Scotland had a Six Nations to remember. The time has come to rise up, be a proud rugby nation again and revive the great Bill McLaren’s fondly-remembered catchphrase .
11) “It’s been by far the best year injury-wise we can remember”
Too many players in too many countries have been sidelined already, with the championship yet to commence. Let us pray we reach mid-March with the vast majority of gladiators still intact.
12) “This Murrayfield pitch is perfect for rugby”
Not just Murrayfield but the Millennium Stadium and the Stade de France, too. Heavy, sodden, unstable surfaces are the single biggest cause of slow-moving, sub-standard Test matches.
13) “This will make them sit up and take notice in New Zealand”
The Six Nations is not necessarily a perfect form guide heading towards the World Cup, but it will show which of the northern hemisphere countries are aiming highest. Go on, lads, what have you got to lose?
14) “Stuart, have you got a message for your detractors?”
England’s head coach, Stuart Lancaster, is, by general consent, a top bloke. This is the year to prove to the world that nice guys can also win consistently at the highest level.
15) “I shouldn’t be telling you this but ...”
The teams are full of characters, the coaches are intelligent and rugby supporters enjoy a laugh. Best wishes to all media managers, but let’s remember one thing: with a World Cup looming the game needs off-field colour and refreshing candour more than it does media-trained robots and truth economists.
Drink aware
Heard the one about the latest research into rugby players’ drinking habits? A new study claims Premiership players are drinking too much – wait for it – water. Having assessed a small group of players before and after their matches, training and gym work, the study found Premiership players are “adequately hydrated on arrival”, that “fluid intake is excessive compared with fluid loss” and “some players are at risk of developing hyponatremia”. Those who enjoyed the days when England players drank beer and/or aftershave might find these latest scientific findings slightly ironic.
One to watch
Wales v England. All roads, motorways, bridges and railways lead to the Millennium Stadium on Friday evening. Will England get hammered 30-3 this time? Surely not.
How can some Cardiff hotels get away with charging such outrageously inflated prices? Goodness knows. A late night thriller seems highly likely, with the result set to shape the entire championship. Wales are probably favourites, which may suit England. If the visitors win, it will be among the most gratefully-received victories of Stuart Lancaster’s tenure.
