MAJOR – AND BOY DO WE MEAN IT – FIVER EXCLUSIVE
As we head into the first weekend of international break already jonesing for the good stuff and feeling like we’ve got spiders crawling all over our clammy coupon, you wouldn’t know there’s anything amiss if the behaviour of some of our stereotypical celtic brethren is anything to go by. Look! There’s our pig-carrying, knobbly stick-waving Irish cousin Theme Pub O’Fiver, blowing air into his inflatable shamrock and singing a rebel dirge as he prepares to join the rest of the Best Fans In The World for Republic O’Ireland’s crunch World Cup qualifier against Georgia. Mind you don’t accidentally scare any elderly nuns in the name o’fun, Theme Pub!
In the build-up to one of those fixtures O’Ireland should win but may not and therefore strikes the fear of God into their supporters, Roy Keane has been providing the entertainment, fronting up at a press conference to make one reporter feel approximately two inches tall for asking a silly question about James McCarthy with a slap-down so withering it didn’t even elicit the usual excessively loud nervous laughter of journalists relieved that he hasn’t turned his considerable ire on them. “Do your homework … nonsense,” growled Keane, upon being asked if McCarthy had fallen out of favour at Everton. And to think The Fiver could have used that valuable time to impress Keano by enquiring how he and Martin O’Neill were planning on shutting down the dual Georgian threat of hoardings-botherer Temur Ketsbaia and his striking partner Shota Arveladze.
Meanwhile in Vienna, The Fiver’s hymn-singing stereotypical Welsh cousin Llanfair PG Fiver (the PG stands for Pwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, in case you’re pondering) is looking red of face and it’s not because he’s spent the past 15 minutes huffing and puffing into his inflatable leek before Thursday’s match against Austria. The hipsters’ pre-tournament choice for Euro 2016, only to be sent crashing out with their unicycles, penny farthings and pogo-sticks between their legs, the Austrians have incited a righteous anger in Llanfair PG Fiver by suggesting his team’s passage to the semi-finals might have been a tad fortuitous. “Wales were very lucky sometimes,” said Austria manager Marcel Koller, stroking his beard while sipping his Grady’s Cold Brew Coffee from a mason jar. “During the Euros, they were lucky that a match did not turn in another direction.”
If he was fazed by this trolling, Wales manager Chris Coleman didn’t show it. “A lot of teams went into the tournament with big reputations because they had fantastic [qualification] campaigns, but they couldn’t handle the pressure,” he said. That or they chose not to do well because their fans think the competition’s gone too mainstream.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“Another day I went to take training at 10 in the morning and the sporting director was there. ‘You need to hold training at 7pm,’ he said. ‘Why?’ I asked, and he told me it was because the players’ wives needed to watch the sessions. Crazy!” – Bruno Ribeiro chats with Nick Ames about his wild six-week stay at Ludogorets Razgrad, why 90% of what he does is learned from José Mourinho, and how he is determined to lead Port Vale to the Championship. Bruno, not Nick, that is.
FIVER LETTERS
“Hello, so last night in the Czech second division, Opava had to borrow kits because what they brought too closely resembled the home team’s. Sponsors were hastily covered with tape and drawn in with marker” – Stephen Bornholtz.
“Please, oh please, I beseech you oh gracious Lady Brady (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs), please put an instant and irreversible halt on any further ‘developments’ of our club. We get it that moving from Upton Park was necessary, and we get it that it was pertinent mayhap for the design of a new heraldic device .We also get it that the Olympic Stadium has undergone some rather radical changes in order to accommodate a sport played on a rectangular piece of grass. However, since every other aspect related to dragging our tails into the 21st century have been handled in such a slipshod and ill-conceived manner (and continue to be so, by the large and rather angry looking beefeaters stationed around the stadium each game), leaving even the most temperate of West Ham United followers rather in a turmoil, that we really would, most politely and reverently, like you to just do one and leave us to our relegation battle and popcorn” – Andy Marriott.
“Re: Memphis Depay/Bon Jovi (yesterday’s Quote of the Day). Shot through the heart? Shot scuffed out for a goal-kick, more like. But yes, you give subs a bad name” – John Atkin.
“I was a bit down with regards to football after the developments of the last six months or so: England failing miserably at the Euros, Mr 15%s completely dominating the transfer market and ripping everyone off, then my hero Sam Allardyce losing his coveted job after only one game. So I went to Wembley to try out the American version, and watched an NFL game as part of their ‘International Series’. Well, after walking into Wembley feeling sorry for myself about the state of our national game, I left feeling incredibly lucky about what we have here, but with utmost sympathy for those Americans and what they have to put up with. Sometimes we all need something to put life in perspective” – Dan Makeham.
“Bradford City’s early substitution (yesterday’s Fiver) may have been inspired by something Sheffield Wednesday did against them back in 2011. Gary Megson fielded a full-strength team only to withdraw his top scorer and starting goalkeeper (two separate people, I feel the need to point out) just two minutes into the game. This is arguably the closest any of the 427 people ever dubbed a ‘ginger Mourinho’ have come to replicating the tactical nous and flagrantly sarcastic and petulant approach to the rules that the actual Mourinho is synonymous with” – Ed Taylor.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Andy Marriott.
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NEXT GENERATION 2016
Sixty, count ‘em, of the world’s best young footballers who, lucky for them, weren’t even born when 5ive were in their pomp. And this is our check-in with the classes of 2015 and 2014.
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BITS AND BOBS
Nice but not too nice. John Stones treads a careful line when endorsing his former England Under-21s coach Gareth Southgate. “I have been in situations in games where we weren’t playing well and doing what he wanted and he came in at half-time and told us precisely that,” parped Stones.
Social media sensation and occasional Chelsea forward Michy Batshuayi is determined to prove himself at Stamford Bridge.
Chelsea and Hibernian both suffered heavy defeats in Women’s Big Cup, going down 3-0 and 6-0 to Wolfsburg and Bayern Munich, respectively.
Fifa suits have decided that returning to the hotel synonymous with dawn raids and natty-looking Swiss police cars is not a good look. So they’re off to the Park Hyatt down the road. Poor lambs.
Micky Mellon is taking over at National League outfit Tranmere Rovers after leaving League One Shrewsbury Town.
And staying in the fifth tier, York City have made Saturday’s trip to Essex all the more exciting. “Following a meeting with the chairman, York City manager Jackie McNamara has considered his position going forward. It has been decided that, if the team fails to gain a positive result at Braintree Town, the York City manager will tender his resignation,” cheered a club statement.
STILL WANT MORE?
Sachin Nakrani recalls the moment Gary McAllister etched his name into Merseyside folklore in the latest entry in our Golden Goal series.
1980s goalkeeping gaffes … enjoy!
Introducing the wonderful freestyle world of Indi Cowie.
Gianni Infantino is busy pedalling his 48-team World Cup brain parp – hilarious, if it were not so serious, writes Owen Gibson.
World Cup 2018 qualifiers – things to look out for – 10 of ‘em.
Chris Coleman admits Wales have become a target after their run to the semi-finals at Euro 2016. On the plus side, no one thinks he’s the bell-boy any more.
Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain speaks with refreshing candour about his stop-start England career. Featuring this heartbreaker: “I am not young now, I am 23.”
Quiz! Quiz!! Quiz!!! Match the zinger to the England manager.
Small Talk is back, with Ken Doherty on Eric Cantona, The Sopranos and some snooker.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
